Post # 1
Okay, here’s the deal:
My FH comes from a large family. (Well, larger than mine!) His two older brothers are already married and he has a younger sister as well. I had planned to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid and one of his sisters-in-law. Both ladies live in the same city as us and I have gotten very close with them over the past two years.
His other brother and sister-in-law live about four hours away from us and rarely come to visit. I have tried dozens of times to start conversations with her and get to know her better, but whenever I do, she gives me one word answers and brushes me off. My other two FSILs have noticed this and say she does the same thing with them. My FH’s family is very tight knit, and I believe strongly in uniting two people and their families in marriage. I just don’t know how this is going to work out. Can I ask one brother’s wife and not the other’s? I really don’t want to start any family drama, but at the same time, I don’t want to ask her and then wish later that I had chosen someone I was actually close to.
Post # 3
My FI has 2 sisters. I asked the one closer to my age to be aBM because I am closer to her and I talk to her more. If you don’t want someone as your BM, then don’t ask them.
Post # 4
You could probably find something else for her to do and just let her know that you wanted your bridesmaids to be local if she asks. This could be a chance, though, to get closer to her. I know you said that she usually brushes you off.
The short answer to your question, though, is yes, you can ask anyone you want to be a bridesmaid and you shouldn’t have to ask this person even if you include the other two sisters.
Post # 5
Yes, I think you totally can. You’re not talking about your FI’s sisters, you’re talking about his SIL’s, so I think it’s perfectly acceptable to include the ones who treat you nicely and NOT the one who doesn’t! Particularly since you aren’t the only one noticing her behavior.
Post # 6
I hear how difficult this is for you. And from what you said, you think it’s simply a matter of just do what you want. You said it’s about uniting families.
Can you ask just the sister and leave off both SILs? You said you were close to the one SIL. Do you, the sister, and the SIL hang out all together?
I know you said you try to get to know the SIL that lives far away, but she brushes you off. I’m trying to wrap my brain around it. I’m sensing that the two SILs you like are close to each other. (And conveniently, the SIL who is on the outs, happens to live far away.) I just wonder if she feels hurt because she feels like an outsider. It’s hard living away from family. Maybe she’s sensitive and just feels like she can never be that close, since everyone else lives in the same city, and can hang out anytime. By including just the other two SILs, and not her, I don’t see how that could help the situation, to make her feel like she’s part of the group. I don’t know if that’s really what’s going on, or she’s just not a warm person. Just something to consider.
Without knowing the family dynamics, I would suggest at least considering asking her. What does FI think? I guess I’m someone who doesn’t always see, “it’s your day” as the ultimate trump card. I think it’s important to have good family relationships. So sometimes that means including people you might not prefer. I know a lot of people will say just have who you want, and the rest will have to deal. But I don’t always think it’s fair to say that, especially when you’d be excluding just one person.
Post # 7
I come from a large, very tight knit family. You don’t have to ask anyone to be in your bridal party that you don’t want to include. But if you are trying to use your wedding as an opportunity to unite two families, then, yes, you need to include her. I understand how difficult these situations can be, but as someone with a rather tense relationship with my FSIL, the best thing to do is to be the bigger person. You can expect that if you ask her, there will be some difficulties, but in the end you may end up with at least, a better understanding of each other.