My FSIL recently had a baby, who will be a year old at the time of our wedding.
Neither FI or I have said anything about her being our flower girl, but FSIL keeps hinting and finally just asked outright. (FWIW, we honestly hadn’t decided yet if we were even going to have a flower girl.. I wasn’t planning on a ring bearer)
I understand that it’s FI’s wedding too and so if he wants her to be the flower girl (which he hasn’t mentioned so far), then we’ll work it out… I just think it’s a bad idea because FSIL is already my bridesmaid, and obviously a baby that young cannot control if they will decide to cry and scream throughout the ceremony. FSIL will not want to miss the ceremony or have an absent bridesmaid halfway through, so what will we do if the baby gets fussy? I wouldn’t mind if someone just discreetly took her elsewhere, BUT.. We plan on getting married outdoors so even if someone takes her away from the main scene she’ll still be quite audible… there’s not a room nearby to take her into.
What should I do? I don’t want to look like the bad guy… I am kind of mad that FSIL has basically forced our hand by asking rather than waiting to be asked. Now FI either has to lie to save face, or I will look like a bridezilla. I feel like FI didn’t necessarily have an opinion one way or the other, but now that he knows FSIL wants her to be the flower girl he will feel like it’d be rude to say no. HELP!
@hollysprig: I would tell her that you have not decided if there will be a flower girl. Futhermore, you think that your niece may be too young for the job. Most FGs are 3-10 years old.
I know what you mean, I’m going through that now, except it’s her 8 yr old son as the ringbearer. She sort of just came right out and said it at a family bbq, and boy, you want to talk about being put on the spot! This happened right after we got engaged and I just sort of blurbed something along the lines of, “well, we haven’t gotten that far yet”, and then she looked at me like I scalded her with hot water. Ugh.
Fi swooped in and saved me, but said he sort of figured his nephew would be in the wedding. I’m going with it because it’s his wedding too even though he never spoke to me about it. We’re having a child free wedding, and just a BM and MOH only, and it’s not her, so I’m just figuring I’ll go with it.
So I feel ya.
Oh and he’s whiny and hyperactive too (but cute as a button and a sweet kiddo). This will be interesting. I figure I’ll have to plan something in advance to keep him busy just in case.. We’ll see.
Blarg….my sister in law tried to pull this too…honestly, when she asked I looked her right in the eye and said, “No.” She bowed her neck and tried to kick up a fuss, but I honestly didn’t care. Our wedding was REALLY small and planned in less than a month so I had no time for nonsense…I heard that before I walked down the aisle she asked my mother if her daughter could just sneak in front of me with some of the flowers from one of the tables since she was so upset and my mother, who is the birth of fabulous answered her with this, “I would suggest you get her out of here then, because I wouldn’t let the Queen set a toe in front of Nona today.”
Keep telling her as often as is necessary:
“Sorry, but she’s too young”.
I think 4 (maybe 3 at a stretch) is the minimum age for a flower girl unless you’re laid back and don’t care if she doesn’t do anything she’s asked. 1 is just silly. Don’t tell FSIL this, but there’s no guarantee she’ll even be walking, and she certainly won’t follow instructions.
EDIT: On 2nd thoughts, as a last resort if she refuses to back down, DO tell her there’s no guarantee she’ll be walking.
sigh, people who think the world should revovle around their children have been getting on my nerves lately.
Your sis in law is being rude. Anyone who knows kids that age, know that a she might not be walking by the time, if she is she probably won’t be walking well. I say let your borhter handle it. My Sister in law been dropping hints about my niece when kids aren’t even invited to my wedding. I not getting drawn into a fight so I’m having my brother handle it.
1 is waaaaay too young for a flower girl.
A year is too young. Make that clear. Be firm, but polite.
I agree with misshobbit a year is too young and as someone said before she may not be walking. I think you should be polite explain that you don’t plan on having a ring bearer so there is no need for a flower girl and if you are not planning on having children in the wedding just explain that it is nothing personal you just are not following those traditions
Yes, FSIL presumably knows that her daughter may not even be walking yet… she’s mentioned either carrying her or pushing her in a decorated stroller.
Honestly, the baby is going to be in the attendees either way, they are coming from out of state… I just think it’ll be slightly less hard to deal with if someone has to duck out with her from the audience than if she’s up there in the bridesmaid’s arms, literally feet away from where we’re trying to exchange vows… even if she doesn’t actually cry, any amount of babbling or fussing is going to be really distracting.
This is what I am doing…my nieces will be my flower girls (they will be 4, 6, and 8). My other “nieces” — my best friend’s baby (she’ll be 1.5), my niece-in-law (1.5), and my cousin (1.2) — will not be flower girls, but I am going to either buy tutus or headbands for all of them that match — flower girls and other girls — so everyone feels nice and included. I originally toyed with the idea of having ALL of them, but I think that’s too much…and, like others have said, they may not be reliable walkers by that time! So maybe find another way to include the baby…
We just made it clear that we were not having any children in the wedding. We wanted everything to be kept simple, so we just skipped it. Can you go with that? Or tell her that you really want her to be involved in the wedding without having to worry or think about getting her little one down the aisle. My niece wasn’t even walking at a year old. So if she isn’t walking then what would you do with her?
My SIL called my husband before we were even engaged and asked to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. When it actually came time, she wasn’t included in the wedding party because my husband strongly opposed it. She was upset and I think that I came out looking badly on that one because everyone assumed it was my decision and not my husband’s.
I would play to your FSIL’s vanity. Suggest that yes if the baby isnt old enough to walk that she will have to give up her place as a bridesmaid and walk with her daughter, then said daughter will have to be excused to a seperate room as you are having an adults only wedding.
She doesnt get it both ways. She can either stand as your attendant or she can take her daughter down the aisle and then out the door until the reception. Seriously why people have to be pushy is beyond me.
I agree. 1 is waaay too young to be a flower girl. My church requires a mininum of 6 years to be a flowergirl/ringbearer.