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Maybe she can be a hostess? If not...ask her what part she would like to play in your wedding and see if you can accomodate her. It doesn't seem like she has any hard feelings but if she wants to be included maybe you guys can figure out a way.
I'm not sure why she thought she would automatically be included if they aren't very close and you don't spend much time together. Maybe a reading would be a way for her to be involved? That's what I've seen where a sibling from one side (e.g. groom's sister) wasn't included in the wedding party. (Or MC) I know some people think a reading is a cr*p job, but I consider it an honour and thought very carefully about who to choose for ours - no other guest gets to speak in the ceremony!
I don't think you made a mistake. You aren't obligated to ask anyone to be in your wedding party. Is there another way you could involve her? The last wedding I went to, they asked the groom's sister to say the blessing at dinner. Maybe you could do something like that? I think people just like to feel involved, and it doesn't necessarily have to be in the wedding party. That would just get crowded ;)
I don't think you're in any way obligated to include someone in your wedding party unless you absolutely want them there. I would find some other way to include her - maybe she could do a reading during the ceremony?
I feel like if you added her now, it would seem like a pity add. What about asking her to do something else for you on your wedding day, like do a special reading in the ceremony or sign the marriage certificate as a witness?
I honestly think she should have been included. I have never heard of a sibling being left out of a wedding ceremony. My brother will be a groomsman in my wedding. Would you have excluded your siblings from being bridesmaids/groomsmen?
I disagree with American Bride. FI has three brothers and two sisters, and none of them are in the wedding party. They are older (30s and 40s) and have kids, and I feel like that is a role that might be more of a hassle than anything. They are participating in other ways - reading in the ceremony, or their kids are taking part, which I feel like is just as special because parents love for their kids to get recognized.
I don't think there are rules about who should be included in the wedding party. I think in this case, since she was initially disappointed and she is giving the OP a shower, she should serve as a reader or some other honor. Also, jennybirdy, make sure to get her a really great hostess gift for your shower!
I guess I just think siblings are your flesh and blood and they have more of a right to be in the wedding party than anyone else. When it is all said and done, you can't get any closer than flesh and blood. I could understand leaving out someone if there was a major problem. For example, like maybe they were only there to cause trouble and ruin your day or something...lol. But if you are close to your siblings, then I just don't understand why other people would be included OVER them. I mean these are the people who you have known from day one. I would never leave my family out...no matter what. My bridesmaids are my 3 sisters, my favorite cousin, and one of my best friends. One of my sisters has a baby that will be 5 months old when we get married, but she is still going to be in my wedding. She has made arrangements for her baby, and the baby will be in great care on the wedding day. I also don't really see age as an issue. If my siblings were 50 years old I would STILL include them...lol. Friends come and go, but family will always be your family. We were raised to always be there for each other, and put family first.
Oh and btw, three out of my five bridesmaids all have children and jobs. Where there is a will, there is a way.
I think you should include her in some other way. Maybe have her read a passage at the ceremony, or make a speech at the reception? It's a bit too late to invite her to be a BM now IMO.
FI and I both have one sibling each (he a sister, and I have a brother). We are including both in our wedding party, but only because it's so convenient... it would be a different story if we had multiple siblings.
My FI and I are getting married in 7 months and are halfway through the planning process. We've selected our wedding party, ushers, hostesses and readers. My FI wanted to include his sister, so we asked her to be a hostess. Before we approached her, I asked him if he was sure he wanted her in that role, because she's going to be moving around, showing guests where facilities are, etc. He said yes, so we included her. Now, after we've chosen everyone and signed contracts, he wants to add one of the ushers as a groomsman and his sister as a bridesmaid. He would have had room for this usher-turned-groomsman if he didn't ask one of his friends to be a groomsman out of obligation (he was in his wedding). When I said I was content with the current arrangement, he started talking over me, then gave the silent treatment. He basically wants her involved, but doesn't want her to do anything. I assured him that she would be available for all photos and wouldn't be working during the ceremony or reception. This addition would also have a financial impact and would compromise our limo space (which we already paid for). I'm extremely flexible, but I don't want to feel obligated to include someone as a bridesmaid when I'm happy with my current choice.
I have 2 FSILs one is 34 and the other is 38. Both have kids, both are busy. So what I did was asked FSIL #1 (38) to do the photography- because she is an amazing artist. She looooooved the idea and loves taking pictures, we've already had like 2 sessions and our wedding isn't for 7 months! FSIL #2 (34) has 2 YOUNG children so instead of making her do something that might take up too much time, I asked FI to ask her to be our DOC. Meaning that she will have copies of our schedule, our contracts, contact information etc and will ensure everything runs smoothly. She's a paralegal by work- so I figured give her something detail oriented.
The point is to involve her in some way that both understands where she is coming from but also helps her support you in your big day. :o) I hope that makes sense :o)
I happen to agree with American Bride. I think that she should be included. She might feel like they're close, even if you don't see it that way. You're not part of their relationship as brother and sister. I wasn't included in my brother's wedding per his bride's choosing. He had two attendants and she only had one, which further snubbed me in the eyes of myself and my family. To this day we have a very strained relationship and I will always hate that she didn't include me, though now that it's my turn I will be including her because she is my SIL and my brother is one of my fiance's groomsmen though they aren't extremly close (they're friends though). And in turn of using my fiance's sister (though I'm still considering it) I'm using her two daughters, whom I adore. At the very least you should include her kids in the ceremony (aside from the 10month old).
My FI and his siblings aren't nearly as close as me and my brother, but they do talk every now and then. I'm not close with his sister (like maybe been around her 5 times in three years) but I did want her to be included in the big day so I asked her to be in the house party (man the guest book and hand out programs). My brother is one of his groomsmen, but I think that's because they have been around each other a lot more (my family travels a lot and FI has been on all the family trips for a couple years now).
I hope it all works out for you!
Reading through all the comments makes me realize how lucky I am. In the most unpresumptive way possible FSIL told me that I didn't need to even think about having her as a BM. She lives several states away, but we chat on facebook quite a bit. Even with that, I still hadn't really thought that I should ask her.
On the other hand, she will be singing during the ceremony. She has a beautiful voice (that I've actually heard) and I'm super excited to have her play that role.
I've also invited her to attend the out of town bachelorette party.
I really think that if you've already made your selections I would stick with them and include her in a role that she is confortable with. I think a reading would be especially nice.
It sounds like she is being gracious, even though she is a bit let down. I don't think you did the wrong thing by not asking her to be a bridesmaid, but I agree that maybe you can find another way to include her in your wedding. As a reader in the ceremony maybe? I think that would go a long way towards smothing things over.
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My FSIL is my FI's only sibling. She and my FI aren't particularly close, but they do see each other on occassion. She's about 5 years older and has 4 kids. She's perfectly nice and I like her, so there's no drama there.
I already chose my 6 BMs (my closest girls) and I didn't include her. My reasoning: she has 4 kids and one will be 10 months old when we get married, I didn't want her separate her from her family the day of the wedding, esp her 10 month old, we're not that close (I see her only occassionally.) I really thought she'd be fine with not being in the wedding. My FMIL called my FI and said that we shouldn't leave her out, which might hurt her feelings. She also said that she (FSIL) is planning me a wedding shower with his side of the family. So, FI called her to see where she stood/if she was hurt. She said she thought she'd be included, but FI explained our reasons and she understood. I feel sad and regretful now :(
My question: did I make a mistake? I feel like it's too late now to ask her and I wouldn't want to give her a pity invite at this point. Thoughts?