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It is not wrong to keep her out of the wedding, but be prepared for backlash.
See my previous posts about a similar situation:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/emotional-blackmail-long-vent-sorry
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/vent-fmil-fsil-fcil
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fsil-wearing-an-ivory-and-black-statement-dress-to-the-wedding
It's not easy but if you've made that decision, you must stand your ground. My FI's sister has barely said three words to us in the last year, but we hear all of the nasty rumors she's spreading about our wedding, and it's really just sad. It's been a year since she found out she wasn't in the wedding, and she's still not over it.
Good luck, and do what is best for you and your FI!
If I were you, I would contact her and ask her out to lunch, just the two of you. Maybe you if the two of you got together and just talked, had some alone time, things might get better. It looks to me that she may be a bit jealous and afraid of losing her brother. I would reach out to her on your own and see if she would like to be part of your wedding party, and if not, if she would like to do something else instead. I am sure that the relationship between her brother and her has changed quite a bit, since the two of you got together. I also suggest that her brother, your FI, take her out for a one on one lunch too. After you do the lunches maybe you can both take her out to lunch and you can all get to know each other as a group.
Thanks so much for your input... I am pretty much in the SAME position as you are. Some people think my FSIL is jealous of my relationship with her brother. They are not close any more and you can tell it is starting to bother him. I just want supportive friends and family in our wedding, as does my fiancee...
I don't believe it would be wrong to leave her out because I am not including my fsil in our bridal party. She doesn't have any desire to have anything to do with us and I wasn't included in her bridal party in her upcoming wedding.
But, like the previous submitter, prepare for someone to not like your decision and just stand your ground. You really don't need to have to explain the situation, just state that you wanted people in the bridal party that are excited and will support you in the planning.
Perhaps over the course of the engagement she will warm up to your relationship, as by the time y'all get married you'll have been together almost 2 years. Depending on how important it is to you and your FI, you could include her as a reader or something like that? And maybe if she warms up you could "promote" her?
I agree with Nortake22 that perhaps her getting to know you as a couple would be a really great idea as well!
Good Luck
I am not including my FSIL as a bridesmaid in our wedding party (and we get along good!), so I do not think you HAVE to include her just because she is family - others may disagree with this, but I wouldn't want to ask someone to be a BM just because you feel obligated to. You want the people up there who support you most and whom you are closest to.
I agree with noritake22 - maybe give her the chance to warm up to the idea of you two. It is likely that she is jealous or feels excluded or something and getting to know you both better as a couple may help the situation.
Thanks... I have thought about doing this but she does not answer the phone and I would be LUCKY if she responded to a text. Like I said, she wants nothing to do with us. I feel as though us not picking her to be in the bridal party just gave her a reason to be mad at us. I was all about putting her in the wedding, we talked a good amount before we told her we were egaged. So she knows us as a couple. We use to get dinner with her and her bf, go to the movies, etc... Idk what else to do!
@msrdsx82 - is his sister engaged or does she have a long time boyfriend? Could there be some jealousy coming into play where she wishes SHE were getting married?
In our case, FSIL has been with her boyfriend only 8 months longer than FI and me have been together - and we've been together nearly 6 years! But she is taking her anger/emotions out on us instead of taking her issues up with him... she's jealous that we are where we are at in our relationship, and is lashing out.
7seven you took the words out of my mouth. I've followed your fsil drama and I'm so sorry that you and the op are having to deal with these issues during such a happy time.
Hugs!
Also, we had thought about involving siblings in another way - a sibling dance at the reception where i danced with my brothers and he danced with his sisters, for example... or have them do a reading or anything. We decided against all of it based on how she has acted, because we feel like we shouldnt have to go out of our way to make her feel included when she's just going to say that it's "sloppy seconds" for her to be included in any other way besides being a bridesmaid.
Thanks SouthernTulip - we appreciate the support you bees have given to us during this time.
As for you msrdsx82, we'll get through this!!! Just remember that the day is NOT about your FSIL, and it is NOT about how she reacts or feels. That sounds cold, and I am not saying that you should just cut ties with her, because I do think it's important to try to build back any semblance of a relationship - but in my experience, I'm not going to soon forget how she treated us during what was supposed to be one of the happiest points in our lives...
But the day is ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCE GETTING MARRIED. And at the end of the day, you want to be surrounded by those who love and support you. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
Thanks so much for the support... I def don't want the relationship to go sour and stay that way. I will make the effort to talk with her...
Also, don't be surprised if she chooses NOT to talk to you, even when you make the effort. But as long as you make the effort, you can know full-well that you are being the strong one who is doing the right thing. You can't control how she's going to act, but you can control how you act toward her... be the bigger person, but don't compromise your day.
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AT THIS TIME, MY FIANCEE AND I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PUT HIS SISTER IN OUR WEDDING PARTY. I WOULD APPRECIATE THOUGHTS ON THIS, AS I AM TORN ON WHAT TO DO.
HERE IS THE STORY...
I HAVE KNOWN MY FIANCEE AND HIS FAMILY SINCE I WAS LITTLE. WE STAYED IN TOUCH ALL THE WAY UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL BUT THEN WE LOST TOUCH FOR A LONG TIME. WE WERE AT DIFFERENT HIGH SCHOOLS, WE WERE BUSY WITH WORK, ETC... LAST SUMMER WE GOT BACK IN TOUCH. WE DECIDED TO MEET UP AND HANG OUT AS FRIENDS, BUT AS SOON AS I SAW HIM AGAIN, ALMOST INSTANTLY I FELT AN ATTRACTION TO HIM. AFTER WE HUNG OUT A FEW TIMES WE KNEW WE WANTED TO DATE EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHERE HIS SISTER COMES IN...
HIS SISTER REMEMBERED ME FROM WHEN WE WERE ALL GROWING UP AND TOLD HIM TO DATE ME, THAT WE WERE A GOOD MATCH FOR EACH OTHER. YET EVER SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF US. IT WAS ALMOST AS IF A SWITCH WAS FLIPPED... WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED FOR 3 MONTHS NOW AND WE HAVE ONLY HEARD FROM HER ONCE, AND IT WAS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BORROW SOMETHING FROM US. SHE HAS YET TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS AND WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT WHY SHE HAD A "LACK OF ENTHUSIASM" ABOUT OUR ENGAGEMENT SHE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN QUIT ENGAGEMENTS, THAT IT IS RIDICULOUS... WE GOT ENGAGED 10 MONTHS AFTER WE STARTED DATING, AND TO SOME THAT MAY BE QUICK BUT WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALMOST ALL OUR LIVES. WE WERE JUST VEYR HURT AND TAKEN BACK BY HER RE-ACTION.. HOW CAN WE HAVE SOMEONE A PART OF OUR SPECIAL DAY WHEN THEY ARE NOT HAPPY FOR US?! SHE DIDNT EVEN SHOW UP TO OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY, SAYING SHE WAS MAD SHE WAS NOT ASKED TO BE IN THE WEDDING PARTY.
MY FIANCEE'S PARENTS UNDERSTAND WHERE WE ARE COMING FROM BUT OF COURSE THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE THEIR DAUGHTER UPSET EITHER. I AM REALLY TORN ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. WE ARE MORE THAN OK WITH ADDING HIS SISTER IN, AS WE JUST DECIDED THE BRIDAL PARTY LAST MONTH... BUT WE WANT HER TO WANT TO BE THERE AND BE HAPPY FOR US.
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO LEAVE HER OUT??? THOUGHTS PLEASE???