(Closed) FSIL upsets my partner and its starting to upset me too

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um, whoa. This sister sounds like a mooch.  Big-time. So she’s married? Does her husband just take care of her or something? i think it’s really weird.

How come somebody hasn’t sat her down and told her to grow up and manage her money properly? i think, that since she is married and henceforth an Adult, everybody needs to stop encouraging this behavior by providing her money. Why would she ever stop if she can just ask and get more, right? When she calls you guys to ask you to buy her stuff, just tell her to buy stuff herself and it’s not YOUR responsibility to buy HER things. Don’t feel bad, she’s the one being ridiculous. You need to call her out on it. Then she’ll stop asking.

She just needs to grow up and everyone needs to cut her off. Seriously, she’s married. I don’t get it! Doesn’t she work? does he work?

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. I’m sorry you guys are dealing with this. This sister is ridiculous. Maybe your FMIL should stop talking to you guys so excessively about her financial situation. do you think she is trying to get you guys to pitch in at all? The sister is simply irresponsible. She needs to get her head screwed on straight. Oh, this just makes me mad! I hate people like this. Maybe when your FI is on the phone with her, he needs to start emphasizing to his mom that this shouldn’t be going on. Is he close enough with his sister to call her? if this was my sibling, I’d call him/her up and say “listen. You need to gt your sh*t straight. Stop being a burden to mom and start watching your money. You should feel like a very bad person, taking advantage of her like this”

I think a financial planner would be able to help her. She obviously has zero clue what it takes to live month to month if she has a good enough job to cover it all. I know it’s really hard to watch a sibling financially and emotionally drain your parent. My brother went through a phase where my mom was just feeding him money and buying him groceries and stuff.And she just couldn’t say no. It was tough, so I know where you are coming from! He used to call me and tell me how “lucky” i was to have such a great job, I must be rich, etc. Um, no, i have bills!

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yes, they are enabling her. I think it’d be nice of your FI maybe sat down with her (if they are close enough for this) and combed through her finances and helped her set a budget. Somebody has to! I know I’d do this for a sibling. And if it didn’t work, I’d recommend soembody for him/her to go see and let a professional teach her. Whereas you were younger, this woman should know by now and perhaps she IS the kind of woman who’ll just take and take, not carimg who she hurts. I’d try the guilt spin, though. It works pretty well. And when she calls and asks you guys for money, don’t sugarcoat and say “oh, well” and make an excuse. let her know immediately it’s not your responsibility so that she knows that asking was inappropriate.

Post # 10
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This definitely sounds like a cultural issue to me. My husband’s family is mostly still in the Philippines but his parents live in the US (so do we). The family members in the Philippines think that the streets are paved with gold and everyone is rich in America. At the same time, cultural norms dictate that if you have money, you give it to your family. So we get a double whammy of his family there thinking we are rich (we aren’t) and then expecting us to give them extravagent gifts like Gucci bags even though they are short on necessities like food and housing. I don’t think there is anything you can do to change the setup because the impression of wealth in America is so ingrained in other countries. But in our home we have decided that we will never give them money because they do not spend it wisely.

Post # 12
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry that this sister is causing so much stress and making your FI worry that his parents will go broke. It must feel horrible to feel helpless. If you spend any money, let is be on the financial planner, but it’s going to be really, really hard to ever convince her that 1) you’re not a bottomless source of money and 2) it’s not really appropriate to call people and ask them for presents. The more helpful thing in the long run may be to speak with your FILs so that they can protect themselves financially while still continuing to aid your FSIL. I doubt they’ll stop, so it would be best to have them practice moderation.

Post # 13
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Wildstyle, we are in a very similar situation. I don’t have advice for you because I am stumped as well; I want to give money to my FIL but I know it’s pointless. I really see the truth in what snmcdowell said, too, because my FIL is European and came to the US in his 20s. He’s stopped working about 6 months ago and gone back to his home country. He has no income and keeps spending money, most of which was a gift from his wife (MIL) to use to start a shop. The best explanation is that he’s trying to show his family the wealth he’s accumulated in the US. He’s getting himself in trouble, and we are very worried about this and the effect it will have on my MIL as well.

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

yeah it must be a cultural thing, but regardless, if you don’t agree with it, then you shouldn’t just appease her. I dont’ see how suggesting a fiunancial consultant would be a bad idea, and I think it WOULD be embarassing for her for her brother to sit her down and talk to her about it. But maybe that’s what she needs? And maybe that is not socially acceptable for her culture, but regardless, she’s causing strain on her parents and you guys, too. I don’t really understand this culture of take, take, take, but I think if it’s causing pain you should definitely speak up. At some poijnt it has to stop; how will she feel if her parents go broke because of this? Maybe she needs some perspective.

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