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I think you just have to speak up and make sure that it is understood that children are not welcome at your reception and be prepared if your FSIL does not attend because of that reason. If she needs to hear you say it, then bring it up nicely that you are excited to spend the day with the kids and also can't wait for adult time as well.
Randy from SYTTD was here in Vancouver a couple of weeks ago. The line I liked the best was " If you are mature enough to get married, you need to be mature enough to have the wedding you want." Unfortunately, all too often, this involves standing up to family members.
@julies1949: I really love that line!
I think that you'll just have to take a deep breath and stand your ground. I think that you're making it easy (and as comfortable) as possible for them and you've obviously put a lot of thought into it. Just make sure that you're clear about the whole situation and don't give in (:
If she just wants to hear you say it, I would try to get together with her AND your FI, and present it as a united front, that it really is no exceptions. If that's not possible, I guess you could phone her yourself. I do feel like you've done everything to make it comfortable and convenient for it to happen.
I agree with the comments above. Be firm and make sure she understands that either the kids can stay with the sitter or she can make alternative arrangements, but that they are not to attend the wedding.
Thank you guys very much... I think I needed to hear that I was doing everything I could and wasn't being unreasonable.
julies1949: I love that line- will take it to heart!
Thank you ladies!!!
I'm TOTALLY on your side, but I have to admit that this is made even trickier by your decision to include the kids as your flowergirls. They're essentially bridal party but you're not allowing them to participate in the reception. I can see how this would cause a problem with your FSIL since she doesn't have the option to find a sitter for the whole event - she has to bring the girls to your wedding, then leave them with someone for the party. I wouldn't attend your reception either, but that's the choice I'd make on my own.
Stand your ground and see what her reaction is, but don't push to have her attend the reception while her kids are off somewhere with a relative stranger. Leave it up to her if she wants to do that or miss the reception altogether.
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I need some advice!This is not a vent, I love my family, and need some advice...
I have not had a single issue planning this wedding (I'm wicked lucky!) until now... I need to talk to FSIL/groomsmaid about leaving her children with a babysitter for the reception (daughter is flowergirl). I have a lot of respect for her being a stay at home mom, and that her children are only 5 years onld and 11 months old so she is concerned about leaving them. To help this, I've planned on having the potential babysitter (which will only sit them not other kids, and I'm paying for this) come to the shower so FSIL can meet her and the sitter (a college student daughter of one of the guests, plus years of experience with newborns) can spend time with the kids.
The children will come to the cocktail hour and be in the family photos, then FSIL and her husband can take them the 6 minute walk to the hotel to put them to bed and be back for dinner, which doesnt start til 8:30 and the reception lasts until 12. This is very late for young children to stay up. Also, FI and I are sending the kids and his brother in law to the aquarium for the day before the wedding as FSIL will be with me and its not fair to the children to walk through to take family photos and not get to see the penguins!
And... I haven't said this to FI or his family, but I see how the entire family dotes on the children (rightfully so! first grandkids!) and I would like the attention to be on FI (I swear, this isn't even about me, pay attention to him! :-) )
FI, FMIL, and my family (my parents are paying for everything without complaint as his family has some medical bills/layoffs and we don't want to stress his family out, no drama with this, but the one thing my parents requested was no children at the reception) are all on the same page- the kids need to go to bed at an appropriate time. But FSIL isn't listening to her family and apparently wants to hear me (not her brother) say she has to either leave her kids or miss the reception. We've had a great relationship until this, so I don't know if she's trying to get me to cave or what, but I'm stuck- I CAN NOT budge, even though I want to just say ok!
Have you ever been in this situation? How did you get out of it without causing hurt feelings and problems for the next few years?