Post # 1
I need some advice bees. This is regarding my SO asking me to clean his house and then getting mad at me when I told him no-I’m not his wife. Well, we talked about it again yesterday and it’s still bothering me. I didn’t pick up the phone when he called me last night and we haven’t texted/spoken at all today. AND I am having thoughts about how happy I was single. I hate feeling like this. I’m 34 and part of me feels like I need to have more tolerance but another part of me is thinking it’s a good thing I decided to wait until I’ve known him for “all the seasons” ( at least a year) before I decide to make a deeper commitment to him. I’m wondering if him being such a great guy to me was just because it was the “honeymoon” phase He asked me yesterday if I was happy…I hate when guys ask me that after a disagreement. I told him yes but I wonder if I am. My love language is acts of service and he has been falling short and him telling me he’s not going to fix the wall in my house anymore really bothered me. I mean I can call a carpenter without a problem but it’s the fact that he offered and then rescinded after I said I wouldn’t clean his house…uuughhh
Should I have ANOTHER talk with him? Or just let it go because a relationship is about a whole bunch of forgiving…
Post # 3
I would just tell him no and leave the wife part out of it. Buy him a maid service.
But I just want to add that in all my years of dating, I never cleaned someone’s house. We are adults. It’s his responsibility. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean we automatically take on roles. It’s nice if we want to do something for someone, but I don’t feel he should be asking you. Why can’t he hire a maid?
Post # 4
You should probably have another talk with him. Good communication is key is any sucessful relationship.
Also, while relationships require an element of forgiveness, you should forgive everything that happens. You should forgive your SO if they go to the store and forget to pick up milk b/c it’s a simple mistake. You should not forgive your SO for not showing you the affection and love you need. If you need him to do acts of service for you, have communicated this need and he still ignores it (or intentionally rescinds a service act to hurt you) you are in the wrong relationship and should move on.
Post # 5
You don’t live together and he thinks you should clean his house? No freaking way! You’ve got your own place to clean, and he should be cleaning his.
Post # 6
I didn’t see the other thread, but good for you for saying no!
And.. I don’t like the fact he acted out because he didn’t get what he wanted.
Let me ask you this – if you were to have another talk with him – what would you say? What do you feel is left to communicate?
And, yes, while relationships are a lot of forgiving, I’d tread very cautiously. To me, it’s all about how your partner handles themself after being upset, and so far, he’s showing you his true colors. Pay attention, because stuff like this (behavior / responses) don’t change overnight.
Post # 7
Umm if you don’t live together you should NOT clean his house! I’ve helped SO pick up stuff around the house but he’s always been right next to me (and vice versa). I would never ever clean my SO’s house unless he was physically unable to do so – i.e. sick, injured, etc.
Post # 8
You don’t live together, you should not clean his house. He should clean his own house! And even when you live together and are married you shouldn’t be doing all the housework! He should be doing housework too!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MrsWe: I can’t get over the idea that it sounds like he wants a maid more than a wife. You are “acts of kindness” and it doesn’t sound like you are going to get much from this guy. Other than the occasional handyman job, what other acts of kindness does he do for you?
Post # 10
@MrsWe: I think you need to find someone who you can truly communicate successfully with. The feelings you are having are because something is wrong with the situation you are in now.
Post # 11
I think it’s give and take. If he offered to do your wall its because he is kind and lives you and wants to perform a service for you. I don’t think it would be so difficult to have said ok, you’re doing something for me, ill clean your house, bathroom, kitchen, vacume… whatever chore. at the same time making it clear this is payback for the wall favor and not to be taken as a regular occurance.
I have a real issue with you using terms and phrases “Acting like a Wife” its not at all about that. It’s about giving and taking and you 2 are not on the same page.
Post # 12
i would never clean my boyfriends house if i dont live with him.
DH and i split the chores of the house. 🙂
Post # 13
It’s one thing if you clean around the house that isn’t yours out of your common courtesy. It’s another if he seriously gives you an effing order to do it. Tell him to GROW UP and call a nanny if he wants someone to come over and clean.
Post # 14
are you spending lots of time at his place and possibly made the mess? Did he just ask you to clean his house without him helping at all?
There were times before SO and I lived together that I’d help tidy up his place if I spent lots of time there or if he was cleaning, I’d chip in.
If he just wants a maid, I’d run away from that!
It’s good to really get to know who you’re getting involved with after the honeymoon phase
Post # 15
@beachbride1216: I’m starting to question that myself. With acts of service, actions speak louder than words to me http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ With him, if I need something he’s there for me but he doesn’t initiate, I usually have to ask. In the beginning of our relationship he “offered” to do things for me, now not so much… His love language is words of affirmation, so I try my best to do that for him I even randomly buy him cards to express how much I care about him because I know that’s how he feels loved.
Post # 16
Do you think maybe you should talk about it NOT in terms of marriage, but in terms of it being HIS HOUSE and not yours??
You both seem to be using marriage as a weapon and it’s just not right. “I won’t do this because I’m not your wife yet!” just seems really… petty. You’re right, you shouldn’t be cleaning his house – but not because you’re not his wife. Because you have your own house to clean and he shouldn’t be lazy.
Although I do have to ask deeper… by clean, does he mean he wants you to come over and do the dusting/vaccumming/clean his bathrooms etc, or does he mean clean up after yourself and put your things in the trash/help wash up – that kind of thing?
Because doing his laundry and cleaning the bathrooms of HIS place is ridiculous BUT cleaning up after yourself/helping with the dishes is totally reasonable. And if you were staying over at his, refusing to do the dishes, not tidying up after yourself etc – then I could see why he may have reservations about wanting to live with you for the rest of his life because he’d be thinking he’d have to ‘put up with that’ forever.
We always say “marriage won’t change a person or your relationship!” and maybe, if you both want to move forward together, you should ‘practice’ married life to see if you would actually be compatible.
ETA: WOAH! You’ve not even known him not even A YEAR and you’re both making comments about how you won’t do things until you’re husband and wife?! This is… not normal. If you’re both behaving like this so early on in your relationship then I don’t think it’s the right one for you. Please don’t settle because you’re 34 and think you’ve ‘run out of time to find the right guy’.