Here's the original post:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/have-to-invite-moms-boyfriends-kids
I met with my mom the other day and we discussed this. A few things she told me:
-She already INVITED them. She said she was just excited and did it without thinking
-She thinks of his kids as HER (not mine) family
-She thinks that if his kids are not invited it would put a strain on THEIR relationship (meaning her and her boyfriend's).
Then she proceeded to tell me that she doesn't want me to invite my ex-stepdad (he raised me, he has known me since I was 3) because it would be "weird" if he was there while she was enjoying a mexican vacation with her boyfriend.
I told her that I want zero stress and drama and I would give her an invitation with a time and a place and that's all she needs to worry about and she said "oh that's silly, you don't need invitations".
Help bees. She took total control over my first wedding but I let her because she was paying for it. I'm 34 now, we're paying for it ourselves and she is already making it all about her.
I HATE DRAMA!!!
@Penelopeee: First, you're inviting your Step Dad (Mom's old Husband) becasue he's family, you want him their, and it's YOUR wedding.
Second, her brother's children are NOT invited. If she invited them, she can uninvite them.
Stand your ground. This wedding isn't all about her at all. It's about you and what you choose to do.
Tell her to butt out. Seriously. Uninvite the kids, invite your stepdad, and tell her to suck it up. She'll get over it eventually, she has to. I hate how weddings do this to people. tell her you are having X amount at your wedding, no more and please do not invite anyone to YOUR event. Good luck!
she'll probably moan about having to uninvite the kids because it'll make her 'look bad'. Just flat out say you don't want them there, it was her mistake, not yours.
Address the invititaions to the people you as the host want to invite. If people get their undies in a bunch over you not inviting them then they can have their own wedding and choose who to invite. I would keep mom on a need to know basis is she acted like that.
Stick to your guns, this is your wedding.
i agree with all the pps. do it your way! i think the way you want to do it makes the most sense (and i would do the same!).. good luck!
thanks everyone for the kind words so far. She is a master at guilt trips. She says she wants to invite his daughters because she has gotten very close to one of them and she feels bad because their mom isn't in the picture (the daughter is 21 and lives with them). So if I do what was suggested and hold my ground she will blame me for 2 things:
1. I am intentionally causing problems with her and her boyfriend's relationship
2. I am a heartless selfish bitch to not include the daughter that she is close with as she thinks of her as "family"
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Penelopeee: You tell her it was not her place to invite people to YOUR wedding and you are sorry she feels that way but this is your wedding and your money and your guest list is off limits.
@Penelopeee: she'll call you a heartless selfish bitch? Really? You need to tell HER that SHE is a heartless selfish bitch before she even gets the chance.
This is HER issue. She F'd up. Do Not let her walk all over you, you are an adult and need to stick up for yourself. Mother or not. Tell her she's being a Mumzilla. Lol
Nothing new to add here, echoing what others have said. Please don't let your mom control this wedding like she did your first one. You want to look back on your wedding day happy with the decisions that you made. Firmly let her know that you and your fiance have put together the guest list that YOU want for YOUR intimate wedding, and that it includes your stepdad and doesn't include grown kids that you barely speak with.
How your mom reacts is up to her - she controls her own emotions. So she'll either understand that you and your fiance are making the right decisions for the two of you (doesn't sound likely), or she'll see it as you trying to ruin the relationship that she has with her boyfriend and his kids. Either way, it's not up to you to manage that relationship. That's up to her. It's also not up to you to manage her reaction and her emotions.
Just my two cents.
I am curious...do you think the bfs children want to actually go to the wedding, or they want to go to Mexico? Because, no offence to you, but if you dont really know them why the hell would they want to go to your wedding?
@Penelopeee: BOO HOO A GROWN WOMAN MISSES HER MOM AND HAS TO BE INVITED TO YOUR WEDDING!!
yeah my stance is clear. Do what YOU want for YOUR wedding.
Shit. Your mom is nuts. This is your wedding. That you are paying for. It's not about her or what the fuck she wants. Tell her your ex stepdad is going to be invited because he's important to you. Her boyfriends kids are not going to be there because they are not important to you. She can piss up a rope.
@Penelopeee: It's your wedding right? That means that YOU get to decide who to invite and who not to invite. It has nothing to do with her new relationship and who is important to her; she can invite those people to her own wedding, or to dinner, or whatever. You're only responsible for making yourself happy. Her feelings are her own responsibility.
Kick her to the curb. Sorry it sounds harsh but she's already attended and practically RULED on one of your wedding already. She isn't 'required' at the second one.
My opinion maybe a tad biased but I would tell her. "You and your boyfriend are invited period. Do not concern yourself with who else I am inviting, am not inviting. That is my concern not yours. You do not get a plus one. The names of the people invited will be listed on the invitation. All you need to do is check accepts with pleasure or decline with regret. It isnt that hard If you are going to be a drama llama I will recind the invitation all together."
I am biased because I have zero tolerance for drama and am seriously considering not inviting family at all. I live far away from family. It is inconvenient for them to travel and last time my mom caused all kinds of drama. My family never calls me, I have to call them so I am kind of at the point of questioning whether I should cut close friends for people who are so periphally {sp?} involved in my life.
My opinion is drama = uninvited.
Tell her this whole issue is making you exhaustipated and that you're just inviting her and her boyfriend and that is it.
Jeeze oh Pete this is YOUR wedding.
Tell her the kids are not invited.
Tell her your former step dad is.
Tell her to get on the train and be happy for you and FI or don't come at all.
What you do for YOUR wedding should not have ANY bearing on her relationship with her boyfriend.
I need a cocktail after reading this thread. ;-)
Seriously. You are 34. You said she controlled the first wedding. Don't let her do it again. I know it is easy for all of us bee's to drop advice while you are the one living it. However, take it from a 40 year old encore bride . . .
I too let family run my first wedding. I am not about to let that happen again. I've had to put my foot down about a couple things. People got bent. So what. I am going to look back on this wedding and smile.
You want to look back on your wedding in Mexico and smile, right? Follow your heart.
Good luck!
I'm going to be the only person on here to say this, but here 'goes.
If I were you, I would just invite the kids to avoid drama. Invite your step-father because it's your wedding and you want him there (your mom shouldn't get a veto there). But, IMO, if you're looking to avoid drama, letting her invite two people that probably won't pay to come to a DW is, I think, your best bet.
I'd sit her down and explain to her, in no uncertain terms, that she is absolutely not to invite anyone else, but that you will invite the kids. Otherwise this will likely turn into a major fight and there will be lingering resentment for god knows how long. On your wedding day, you will just be happy to be marrying the love of your life. I highly doubt their presence could, in any way, spoil that for you.
ETA: I don't think your mom was in the right, like at all. That's way out of line. I'm just taking the standpoint of "what is going to make your life the easiest, given that she's already done this."
1. I am intentionally causing problems with her and her boyfriend's relationship
2. I am a heartless selfish bitch to not include the daughter that she is close with as she thinks of her as "family"
I would tell your mom:
1. You are causing problem with your own daughter and FI's relationship.
2. You are being a heartless bitch to value your "boyfriend's" daughter over your real daughter, and how dare you think of your BF's daughter on the same level as your real daughter!
1. I am intentionally causing problems with her and her boyfriend's relationship
2. I am a heartless selfish bitch to not include the daughter that she is close with as she thinks of her as "family"
I would tell your mom:
1. You are causing problem with your own daughter and FI's relationship.
2. You are being a heartless bitch to value your "boyfriend's" daughter over your real daughter, and how dare you think of your BF's daughter on the same level as your real daughter!
Thanks bees... I am going to see everyone at Thanksgiving and I will let you know how events unfold.The mom, boyfriend, former stepdad, AND the boyfriend's kids are going to be there. FUN times! LOL
I'd tell your mom at the end of the day, when you're about to get the hell out of dodge, that the kids aren't invited. Then you won't get any nasty glares at the dinner table. :)
Just as an added point - her relationship with her boyfriend mustn't be very strong if his kids not coming to your wedding is going to ruin it. If she does try that angle, maybe point out that she needs to take responsibility for any problems in her relationship rather than trying to arbitrarily blame them on you.
@Penelopeee: how did everything go?
@AdriannaJean: I COMPLETELY agree with this.
I think in this case it would be worth it to "buy" your mother's happiness at having her BF's kids in exchange for you inviting you ex-step dad. Think of it from the kids' POV; in ten years, your mom and her BF could still be together, and the kids would be your step-siblings living with the knowledge that their very cool, glamorous step-sister either did or didn't invite them to her amazing wedding in another country.
Update!!!
After tons of thinking, discussing this with FI, and reading the responses I decided to take the high road and just invite them. I told my mom that I was very upset that she assumed/told them they were invited but at this point I just wanted to avoid drama. I also told her to butt out of all wedding planning in the future.
Ironically of course the subject of the wedding came up and the boyfriend asked me to "think outside of the box" and get married locally because his daughters couldn't afford to go to Mexico.
So the next wedding drama that I will need advice about is "is it selfish to have a destination wedding".
: )
@Penelopeee: It is not selfish, they were not invited in the first place, enjoy getting married.
Your plans will not change to accomidate them.
If they can't afford it tough shit, you didn't want them there in the first place and for her boyfriend to tell you to "think outside the box" F that! He isn't your dad or even related to you, how dare he tell you to change your plans!
@Penelopeee: "I ivited them out of cutasy to my mother, who spoke out her ass and extended MY guest list!" <----Is what I would have said if i were you.
This is why I am LiveStreaming my ceremony. I am doing this in hopes that a lot of people don't come to the ceremony and just watch it online
We have decided on playa del carmen because both FI and I love it there and the boyfriend also said:
"what about cabo? it's cheaper to fly there?"
I just snickered. And kept on drinking my mimosa.
I know he's asking me these questions on behalf of my mother because she's complaining to everyone about the expense and she can't afford to fly all my sisters (my sisters, not the boyfriend's kids) there.
I said "Mom- they are 22 and 21 done with their degrees, work, don't pay rent, and we aren't getting married for a year. If they want to make it happen they can and if they don't want to no big deal. They can come to the big party back home instead."
You would think I kicked a kitten from her reaction. I just had to laugh. I'm doing a lot of that these days.
@Penelopeee: Wowza. So she's complaining about the expense but wasn't too worried about how her boyfriend's kids were going to get there?
I love @Sapphire-Dreamer's response!!
First off...
I have to commend you in taking the HIGH ROAD here and being the bigger person and inviting your Mother's BF's Kids...
I would probably not been that generous.
Altho I do generally like to avoid as much family drama as I can (so I feel for you... and where you came from on this issue)
Afterall... as pointed out by several others this is YOUR WEDDING... and as such if you are needing to hold down the numbers then you can certainly ONLY be looking at immediate relatives...
And like it or not... You are NOT RELATED to your Mother's BF's Kids (lol love typing out that mouthful)
And oh ya... technically neither is your Mother.
Lol, if she wants to invite them to a Wedding... let it be HER OWN FIRST before she goes all crazy and expects other folks to invite them to one
8-} *Rolls Eyes with Smirk Face*
As for the rest of the drama...
Your Step-Father IS Related to You... and was a significant part of your life. He gets an Invite... doesn't matter a rat's ass what your Mother thinks
And Mother's BF... again, not an immediate family member... and not a relative. Doesn't get to have an opinion. Period !!
Honestly... you've bent over backwards a lot farther than most folks would (any farther and you'll be kissing someone's ass IMO)
Hope this helps,
You're a better woman than I. When I was planning my wedding, if anybody had said my plans didn't work for them and I should make changes, I'd have told them to kiss my ass.
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