Post # 1
I just have to vent so I am sorry if this is long, but I know you guys will listen and provide some advice!
Just a couple days ago, some friends of my boyfriend and I (They were his friends before we started dating and everything, so I acquired them as well) broke off their engagement. Now, I sort of understand why she did it (she says she doesn’t feel the same for him anymore), but in my mind, I just can’t quite comprehend it. Its frustrating to see people throw away something I would LOVE to have. Granted, I know my boyfriend and I’s relationship is nothing like theirs and I am happy that I have such a wonderful and loving relationship with him, but for some reason I just find it infuriating to watch people throw away something I really want.
As if that isn’t bad enough, the girl of the couple was texting my boyfriend about the whole ordeal and wound up telling him, in not so many words and kind of indirectly, that he should really think things through before deciding to get married. This part also makes me kind of angry, not only because I already don’t know whats going on in his head in regards to an engagement and marriage timeline, but I don’t need people telling him these sort of things! Its frustrating, and now I am afraid I may be waiting longer because of situations and comments like these.
And so I asked him last night (I will admit I was very tired and on the edge of emotional when I did it) if we will ever get married and he said yes. But then I apparently made the mistake of telling him its frustrating to me to sit back and watch other people get engaged, and in some cases throw all that out the window while I am waiting. He got mad at me, saying I need to not worry so much about what other people are doing, but I feel like he wasn’t really listening to me. If he had just listened, he would have figured out that I was saying that waiting is beginning to have a negative effect on my attitude and self-esteem and it isn’t because I care about what other people are doing. I tried to explain that to him and tell him that its only the fact that people get engaged that reminds me of my situation and somektimes makes me feel worse, but he didn’t quite understand and we went to sleep with things sort of unresolved.
Oh bees, I don’t know what to do. I am getting very tired of waiting, its killing my self-esteem and making me think there is something wrong with me (I’ve dropped two pant sizes in the past four months it seems from worrying about things like that). And now friends of his are telling him to really think it over, which is something I just don’t need 🙁
Post # 3
#1. If you are already living with him he has no incentive to marry you
#2. If you have been with him for more than 3 years and you don’t have a ring on your finger (and you think he’s “it”,most importantly!) and he has made no move to get married, give him an ultimatum. If no move is made, call your bluff. Walk on out.
#3 If this does not work and he has no good reason for not getting married to you(he might have a legit reason like no money, etc.) He wouldn’t of married you anyway so don’t feel bad about it. If you nag him for it, you won’t get a ring.
Post # 4
@posh_princess: Or worse, you would get a ring…a shut-up ring. I think you and your boyfriend need to really talk about a timeline here, and I agree with posh_princess–if he doesn’t want to commit, leave.
ETA: #1 was kind of snarky and unnecessary.
Post # 5
Snobunny had an interesting post on here the otherday about the waiting and how after watching dr. phil her now FI, changed his attitude about it. You should look it up, it might help explain things to your SO. also who’s to say he doesn’t have the ring and you WERE going to get it soon?
Post # 6
@posh_princess: Ouch. I think a blanket statement like that was a bit unneccessary.
“#1. If you are already living with him he has no incentive to marry you“
Yes, he does still have an incentive to marry you even if you live together first.
@katydiddle: I would be frustrated with the friend telling him to reconsider marriage because of something that happened in their relationship, but hopefully your boyfriend will realize that their relationship has nothing to do with yours!
Post # 7
I know how you feel!!! I don’t know what’s going on in your relationship but I know how you feel!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you recognize my new post about jealousy. I am feeling a great deal of frustration right now. ok so just a few hours ago, on the phone with my bf, I admitted that my day wasn’t fabulous when he asked how my day was. Maybe it was NOT a good move but I couldn’t help telling him what’s going on with my heart/mind. I told him that I’m frustrated and jealous of someone who has what I really want and who I don’t think deserves it as much as I do. I don’t mean to put pressure or anything but I just had to get it out. Sigh. Thankfully he took it well and seemed to understand the frustration for not getting what you want badly. He says don’t worry but it hasn’t helped. yet. I just have to get over it myself. Because the thing is, I’m not worried, I’m frustrated and jealous.
Anyway, you’re not alone for feeling the way you do.
Post # 8
ahh!! That is very frustrating. I worry when people say things like that in front of my SO and I because I feel that it will make him not want to get married. However, I think that once someone makes up their mind that you are the one for them, someone else’s comments might not have all that much weight. He probably realizes that she is just upset…and his response of ‘not worrying so much about what others are doing’ sounds like he heard what she was saying…and then moved on. You could look at this as a window of opportunity – next time you bring it up you now know that talking about other couples seems to cause him to shut down and tune you out, so it sounds like he will listen and DOES want to marry you…just avoid bringing other people into the conversation.
I used to do the several of the same things: using others’ relationships as an example, bringing it up when I was already upset/tired (a HUGE NO NO!), and thinking something was wrong with me. I finally told him how I felt (and it is true…most men are black and white and cannot read the hidden meanings what we are saying – we just have to SAY it), and that I felt like all I was doing was killing myself trying to prove that I was good enough. I only told him how I felt, and didn’t breathe a word about others…I just told him my feelings. He told me it was not because I was not good enough or that I was not that one for him, it was that he has a plan in his head for when he was going to do it (which he then told me, phew!), and did not want to ruin the surprise. So my surprise was ruined, but I felt much better. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. It is just the fact that he is male and you are female and we overanalyze and worry and they just do what they are going to do.
Post # 9
@SimplyOrganic: that I felt like all I was doing was killing myself trying to prove that I was good enough.
YES! This is exactly how I feel! Its like I don’t know what else I can do to prove to him I am good enough! I try everything it seems and nothing works. I would really love some sort of AHA moment from him in which he is swept away and can’t wait any longer to make me his forever….
ughh… and now I’m near tears…
Post # 10
I agree with giving snobunny post a read. Here
Also I see how that could be very frustrating, I suggest drop it for a few days and approach the topic again, just so he won’t think anyone else is triggering these issues. Goodluck and I hope everything works out for you in the end.
Post # 11
Oh honey, I’m sorry. I know how sucky it is having to wait and couldn’t imagine if someone told my then BF to think it over when I was in the throes of waiting. I’d probably get a little homicidal, to tell you the truth.
Although Posh is dead wrong on the living together thing (this is true in cases where the guy doesn’t want to get married anyway, so in the grand scheme of things it might prolong the wait, but it’s not usually the deciding factor in his proposing at all), she’s right on the other stuff.
The last thing you want is a shut up ring. I’ve gotten one before and believe me, there’s no joy in it. It’s honestly better to not have one at all and just leave.
How old are you and how long have you been waiting?
Post # 12
I’m glad my post has been helpful to some!
to the OP–that must be really frusterating. I’d be very upset at the girl texting your SO and telling him to really think things through…she needs to mind her own.
and don’t listen to the first poster who said he has no incentive to marry you– I’m tired of women getting disapproving comments about moving in with their significant others before marriage.