Post # 1
I’m a semi-regular poster but I don’t want to put this under my regular account. I’m so confused bees, I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping I can get a bit of perspective from this post. (Not sure if this is babies or emotional, feel free to move mods)
So my FI and I both want children. When the topic comes up, my FI is very vocal about telling people that he’d like a soccer team = 11 kids (He’s only half joking, but probably wouldn’t be if raising children in America wasn’t so expensive).
While I’m not sure about the 11, I desperately have the baby rabies as well (my FI’s brother with his wife/son/new baby that just got into town isn’t helping either).
Now the problem. My dad’s test results came back this morning and my lovely sister decided to tell me since as she puts it “this is information you need to know in case you get pregnant on the honeymoon”. Apparently he has a genetic disorder called Fragile X and as girls we automatically have it also. Boiled down it basically means any girls I have might be carriers and any boys might have a risk of retardation. How high a risk, she couldn’t tell me.
So what do I do? Kids are a deal-breaker. I don’t know if my FI will still want to marry me if I shouldn’t have children. However, I have no way of knowing how bad my genes are until I’m tested myself. Testing could take over a month.
Did I mention my wedding is in 4 days (and nearly all the out-of-town people are here already?)
So what should I do? Tell him and stress him out with the unknowns (like my sister did for me)? Keep it to myself and have a long discussion once I’ve been tested and the results are back? While I don’t want to enter a marriage with secrets, at the same time I’m not sure what purpose telling him would serve other than to cause stress about something neither of us have control over.
Thoughts? Suggestions? And thank you for reading this far.
Post # 3
When are you able to get tested? I don’t think you should needlessly worry him if you are not certain. But you should tell him after you get test results back, whatever the result is.
So sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
I would tell him. I think it is better to tell him now, than wait until after you are married. Just tell him what you said here. You don’t know the results yet, but there is a chance your future children could have this illness. I’m sorry you are going through this and just days before your wedding. I’m sure he will still want to marry you just as much and he’ll appreciate you telling him the news right away. Good luck and try not to worry too much! 🙂
Post # 5
Oh, I didn’t realize it’s just days before your wedding. Yes, I think you should tell him now, because you don’t want to bring any big secrets up right after you get married.
Post # 6
Definitely tell him. That’s a huge deal and you shouldn’t keep it secret.
Post # 7
I would tell him. DH and I had some pretty intense issues that we had to bring up with eachother (that could have potentially been deal breakers), but in the end, those issues were part of the person we love, so we accepted it and moved on.
To sympathize with you, one of those deal breakers was the likelyhood that I may not be able to have children. We’ll never know until we try, so who knows what the future holds for us. Not having kids was a dealbreaker for DH, so I was scared to death to tell him. But if the situation had been reversed, I would have wanted to know for the sheer fact of him respecting me enough to tell me something that he was dealing with. In the end, he was 100% supportive and knew it wasn’t “my fault,” so why would that make him love me any less? It was a conversation I was so glad we had and got out in the open. I couldn’t imagine keeping something like this from DH, no matter how little the time.
Post # 8
My thoughts are to tell him, but you should let him know that this is all hearsay from your sister. You haven’t talked to a doctor about the situation, and you don’t know exactly what your chances of having a mentally ill child are. I suspect that your FI is a good man and will marry you anyway. What if both of you found this out after you were married? Would he immediately divorce you? Marriage is about dealing with what life throws at you together and handling it as a team. Your sister could be very wrong in her research…
If your FI decides not to marry you after you tell him this, I have a feeling that you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Post # 9
I would feel betrayed if my husband didn’t tell me something like that, preferably as soon as he found out, but definitely if he hid it until after the wedding.
Tell him and give him the chance to support you through this rough time.
Post # 10
I know very little about Fragile X syndrome, but my initial thoughts are that you should tell your Fi about what your sister told you. If I were in your situation, I would want my husband’s support. Your Fi should be your rock during these times; you shouldn’t have to worry and be anxious/upset alone. You need some reassurance right now that things will be ok, that you two can work through this challange no matter what happens, and then later, after you find out if you are actually a carrier or not, you can figure out your next steps (amnio/CVS during pregnancy, surrogacy, donor eggs, adoption, etc…). There are a lot of options even if you are a carrier.
Also, you might want to check out the National Fragile X Foundation website for more information. Even if you are a carrier, there is testing you can do in pregnancy to find out if your child is affected or not; not every pregnancy will result in a baby with Fragile X Syndrome.
Post # 11
Thank you for the replies. Yes, I suppose I should tell him. I just feel bad to drop this on him days before the wedding. And I guess I’m scared that he won’t want to marry me but will go through the motions just because everything is set already.
Post # 12
I think you should talk to him now even though it’s so close. Be ready to talk to him about other options if you find out you shouldn’t have biological children.
My husband and I had this talk a long time ago. We discussed how important children were and whether it was a deal breaker and then discussed if one of us couldn’t, would we feel comfortable with IVF or adopting. We would go the adoption route no problem.
Post # 12
I think you should tell him, but try to get some better information first. In my family, there’s some cystic fibrosis going on, so I’d want to get both of us tested if we ever decide to have kids. With genetic diseases, it often comes down to a percentage thing. For me, even if I am a carrier, it depends on the father’s genetic makeup.
I’d call up your father, his doctor, and maybe another doctor before you talk to your FI. It’s good to have your facts straight so he knows what he’s dealing with.
I think it will be a painful but good conversation. Would you leave the man you loved just because he couldn’t have biokids? I don’t think you would. Give the man some credit! He’s in love with you and he wants to marry you!
Post # 13
I agree with 2Peas. Tell him, let him know that it’s all info from your sister, so you need to do more research/get tested before you two need to freak out.
And if he’s a good man, and he really loves you, he’s not going to leave you over this.
I mean, look at it this way: Say Fragile X wasn’t the issue. Say it was something else.
What if you two got married, tried for kids, and then you got tested and found out you were barren. Would he divorce you because you couldn’t get pregnant? I highly doubt it.
You’ll get through this, but you need to get through it as a team. No secrets.
Post # 14
I would tell him, because I don’t think you should have to go through this along. But please don’t freak out about this just yet. I went through something similar…I found out that I am a carrier for Tay Sachs (disease of the nervous system that causes death, usually before age 5). It’s a recessive disease, and luckily my DH is not a carrier…our children can still be carriers, but they will not have the disease. So the first thing to do is for you to speak to your doctor and for you to get tested. If it turns out that you are a carrier of Fragile X, you’ll probably then have the opportunity to speak to a genetic counselor. Your FI would get tested, and you guys would go from there. I believe that doctors can do testing on embryos to see if they have certain genetic disorders, meaning that you could have only healthy embryos implanted if/when you decide to become pregnant. I’m certainly not an expert, this is just what I”ve gleaned from internet research. But definitely talk to your FI–you need support while you’re dealing with this news, and you guys are a team now!
Did your dad just discover that he ha Fragile X? I thought it was generally something that was found out fairly early on, since it can cause developmental delays and such.
Post # 15
I would tell him. He loves you and right now you don’t need the extra stress in your life. Then when the two of you are ready to start trying to have a family your doctor should do genetic testing and if they don’t request it. Once you know for sure if you husband is a carrier as well then you and your doctors can decide how to proceed. There are so many fertility treatments that could remove that gene from both your egg and your husbands sperm to ensure that your baby is not affected. I know this is scary and had to face right now, but the medical advances out there are excellent and you can still have a baby even if worse case scenerio and you and your husband are both carriers.