Post # 1
My SO and I are both catholic, as well as both of our immediate families. He does not want to do a full mass, but said he would if I insisted. Most of our friends are either not catholic or not practicing. We’ve gone to a lot of weddings in the past couple years, and almost all of them were not a full mass, and the ones that were got too many groans to count.
I’m leaning towards not having a full mass, and it really wouldn’t bother me because I’ll have us do a couple other optional things during the ceremony like the unity candle and flowers to Mary that will make it not quite so short and a little more special, without making our friends uncomfortable.
His family is very easy going and would not care either way. My mom goes to daily mass, and has said a daily rosary every single night since she was young. Every single care ride we go on, she insists on saying the rosary with us out loud. Every morning on the way to school we used to say prayers. She’s hard core catholic, and so are her parents. They watch the daily mass on EWTN, go to adoration a couple times a week, as well as daily mass in person at a chapel nearby. I know I would feel some backlash from them, but I’m not sure how much.
I’m not sure what to do… HELP!
Post # 3
Do what is best for you and what you want to do. IMO how the ceremony is done is solely up to you and your FI.
Post # 4
thanks! i’ve added a poll just to get more people’s advice. I’m seriously scared to break it to my mom if that’s what we decide. But I agree that it needs to be what we want… I could live with either way, I just am nervous about people’s reaction
Post # 5
Have you spoken to your priest about it? If many of your guests will not be practicing Catholics, he might suggest just doing the rite of marriage without the full Mass – it would be pretty awkward if only three people get up to take Communion. (And your mom might take the news easier if it was coming from a priest!)
Post # 6
Don’t do a full mass. Everyone will be grateful!
Post # 7
My DH comes from a Catholic family that wanted us to have a traditional Catholic wedding, but we decided to have a wedding that reflected us. We didn’t make it Catholic at all, and had a regular officiant marry us. It was great! In the end, it’s about what you two want, since it’s your wedding.
Post # 8
I havn’t spoken to the priest, that’s a good idea. I think it will probably be about 60 or 70% of the people getting communion, since these friends who don’t practice will still probably take it, as most of them went through Catholic grade school. They’ll just be really annoyed lol But that’s still a decent portion of our guests who aren’t Catholic. My dad’s side isn’t catholic, but to be truthful they havn’t been a huge part of my life, so I won’t be that upset about making THEM uncomfortable. It’s all our friends I’m worried about.
Post # 9
I would do what YOU want. I’m in the same boat as you–you pretty much described my mom. I always knew a wedding mass was what i would have when I got married, but truth be told if my mom wasn’t as a devout Catholic, I could have easily just done the ceremony without the mass. I think it should be reflective of you and your fiance rather than what your mom or your friends prefer. Good luck with your decision–I know it’s not that easy one way or another.
Post # 10
If you don’t personally have strong feelings about this and it’s more about how others will react, I would look at this as, “which would be worse, the fallout with Mom and relatives or with the friends?”
Your friends will probably be mildly disgruntled and annoyed by the minor inconvenience of having to spend an extra fifteen minutes or so in the church (since the only real difference between a Catholic wedding with Mass and without is the Eucharistic prayer and Communion). Your mom, grandparents, and your more devout relatives, on the other hand, will probably be deeply hurt by what they see as your rejection of the faith (even if that’s not what you mean to do). I know I’m probably going to be in the minority on this one, but I would recommend doing the full Mass and keeping peace within your family. In spite of all the “it’s your day, do whatever you want, this is all about you” rhetoric around weddings, the reality is that it’s the joining of two families, and that often involves a lot of negotiation and compromise around what people hold dear. Honoring your mom’s core values should trump your friends’ petty complaining.
Post # 11
Although I didn’t have a full mass and it was great…but we did it out of necessity. My husband is not Catholic so our priest suggested we didn’t do a full mass.
Post # 12
In your situation, I’d probably send out feelers to your families to see how much backlash you get from them. Tell them you guys are thinking about not having a full mass because of X, Y and Z. If you involve them in the conversation, it will feel less like you’re defying them. Just make sure that your preference to not have the full mass is made clear.
Post # 13
It’s your day, not her’s and if you’re not in to the full mass then don’t do it. We’re not doing the full mass thing and I actually think our religious family members are ok with that.
Post # 14
We are having a full Mass and if anyone doesn’t like it, then they don’t have to come. It’s important to us. I think you should do what is right for you & FH. That being said, I think it is beautiful that the first thing a husband & wife do togther is Holy Communion.
Post # 15
@wildflowerbee: I think you just need to explain the situation to you mother and see what her thoughts are.. you may be surprised what she thinks. I doubt she’d get that upset because you are still getting married in the Catholic church.. the only difference is you’re not having communion. You’ll still be having 3 readings and a psalm sung. The priest will still do a short homily, and the marraige vows are the same. I think the big thing here is… the getting married in the Catholic church deal.
Post # 16
If you are concerned about length of ceremony, unless you have a ton of people taking communion it really doesn’t make it that much longer.
My personal belief is that if both the bride and groom are Catholic, they should seriously consider having a mass, as I think it is an important thing for a couple to share on their wedding day. Yes, some of your non-Catholic friends won’t be able to take communion and will have to sit an extra 15 minutes. But the wedding is about you and your fiance, the reception is for your guests. If your Catholic faith is important enough to you to have a Cathollic ceremony, to me it makes sense to have a mass.
That’s just my opinion. At the end of the day it’s up to you and your fiance, and you will be just as married either way.