full of hate, anger and rage at my husband after my moms death

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

First off, I’m very sorry about your mother. She sounds like a wonderful lady. Secondly, I really think you should seek out a counselor. Grief brings with it all kinds of other emotions, but being angry at people who don’t deserve that anger is just going to push those who care about you away. I know it must be very difficult to be alone while your husband is away, but I think the group you joined is a great way to meet people in your situation. In saying that, however, it might be too soon for you to talk about your feelings in a large group. I would seriously try and find a therapist to help you work on all of the feelings you have going on right now. Once you work on you, then maybe going to that group won’t be so difficult. 

Post # 4
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

very sorry to hear about your mom.  I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with.  I think you should seek a professional grief counsellor.  You’re dealing with a lot, and your husband is obviously not in a position to be able to support you, and I don’t think many people are particularly good at dealing with intense grieving.  I hope you and your husband work through everything and you can find someone to help you through this.

Post # 5
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@NaijaPuertoDorian:  So sorry about your mom, what a terrible loss.  As far as your husband goes, I think you are being a little unreasonable.  Try to understand (military mom here, and also married a military guy years ago), I am certain that this man you love wants nothing more than to come home and be with you.  When you tell him you want a divorce, it is devisating to him.  He is miles away fro home, and I assume in a foreign land.  Believe me, he want to come home to you.  I agree with PP see if you can get some private counciling.  Do you live on base??  Do you have community ladies who do reach out services to help the ladies who are struggling or alone??  In most of the military communities I have lived in there was a contact person, usually the spouse of a service member.  See if you can find someone there who is in your area to help you, and get you affiliated with those who will help you.  I am so sorry that you lost your mom, and that your husband is away.  Please look for someone to talk to, you should not be dealing with the loss of your mother alone.

Post # 6
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m very sorry to hear about your mom and I can’t imagine what a hard time you must be going through, feeling so alone. *hug*

I second a PP suggestion for counseling. I think what you’re doing is pushing your husband away because you’re afraid of losing him, like you lost your mom. I think a counselor will help you get through the grief and keep you from ruining your relationship with your husband.

I wish you all the best and I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.

Post # 7
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

First: I am SO sorry for your devastating loss. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now.

That said, you have GOT to get yourself some therapy. I am not just going to recommend it, I am going to say that it is absolutely critical for you to get if you don’t want your grief to destroy all of the relationships you have remaining in your life. Because that is what it is doing right now. You are understandably shocked, angry, lost, lonely, etc., but until you have a place to process all of those emotions honestly (therapy!!), they will eat you up and cause you to push everyone around you away.

It’s great that you’re going to a support group. I know it seems insufficient right now, but you need to get the # of every single person in that group and call them at night when you’re struggling. You can’t sit with all of these emotions alone. Even if it’s just to say “I feel incredibly alone and things are not ok and I don’t know what to do about it.” I’m not saying that they’ll have the answers, but first and foremost, you need to reach out to people and let them in on your grief.

Also, as you work through this, I think you should make a pact with yourself not to play the “divorce” card with your husband. I understand that you are desperate, but please recognize that you are not in a place right now, emotionally or mentally, to make any such decisions, and it is needlessly cruel to bring that up. 

Another thought I have is that some serious exercise might do you good. Can you join a fitness class or take up running, so that you can (literally) sweat it out when your emotions threaten to overtake you? 

Post # 8
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry you lost your mother. No one can take her place.

You still need community, friends, acquaintances for your life, and a counselor and support group for learning to deal with your grief. 

Isolation is so painful, especially when you are missing your mother. Don’t let the isolation intensify by pushing away the people who love you. They aren’t trying to take your mother’s place, they just care about you. I hope you can make some good friends who can fill your days with joy.

Post # 10
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@NaijaPuertoDorian:  I am so sorry if I have offened you, that was not my intent.  I remember my own struggles with the military lifestyle, and yes your are correct…..most people do not have a good relationship with whoever is in command.  Have you spoken with a chaplian (sp??)?  Maybe they can give you some direction??

Maybe see if your health insurance can pay for some greif counsiling.  Dealing with death is very hard.  My mother died some years back.  I could not deal with that without the support I had from friends and family.  I agree with PP that you need some help to deal with your loss.

Post # 11
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@NaijaPuertoDorian:  Please don’t use a child to try and help you with your grief. You need to be the best woman you can be BEFORE you bring a baby into this world. I highly suggest counselling before trying to conceive, but obviously that’s just my opinion.

Also, sorry for the loss of your mother. I couldn’t imagine what that is like. And, thank you for everything you and your husband do for your country.

Post # 12
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@NaijaPuertoDorian:  You sound like you are deeply grieving. I would not make any big choices while already going through so much. A child may make you lonelier. I know that sounds crazy but it is true for many woman. Especially woman with out immediate family there to help. I would reconsider the IUI until you are 100% back to yourself. Pregnancy and the birthing process can create or worsen depression.


 Sometimes its just good to talk to someone who is removed from the situation. I think its great that you are seeking help.  So sorry about your mom <3 sending lots of love and good thoughts your way. 


Post # 14
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

NaijaPuertoDorianMy dad died last July. I was the same way with my now DH, then FI. We were at Walmart making copies of photos to put on a board to put up at my dad’s calling hours when my husband gently told me I wasn’t on the right setting for the machine. I FLIPPED out on him and started SCREAMING at him in the middle of Walmart and said ‘If you think you’re so smart, you can fucking do it.’ Then, I threw down all of the pictures I was holding and they scattered all over the floor. I stormed out of the store in a rage, leaving DH to pick up the pictures.

Fortunately, he was understanding and picked up the pictures, made all of the copies and organized them into piles like I had planned on doing, paid for them, and came outside (where I was since he had the car keys), and never said anything about my crazy outburst. The behavior was SOOO different from how I am and I got so many stares. I was the crazy lady in Walmart who was yelling and having a tantrum. I’m definitely not proud of it.

But it does pass. I can’t tell you when – it’s different for everyone. It was over three weeks before I cooked or cleaned anything. Some days, I didn’t even change out of my pajamas. It does get better and counseling does help. I highly recommend it. You’ll start feeling more ‘normal’ eventually. 

Post # 15
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I am so sorry about the lost of your mom.  She seems like she was a beautiful person inside and out. 

With that being staid I agree with the PP with the counseling/therapy.  I also want you to stop comparing your mother to his mother.  Yes she wasn’t ideal, but she is still his mother.  Also your mother wouldn’t want you grieving for her like this! She would want you to live on and be happy! It seems to me that she loved everyone no matter their flaws and you should too!  Yes your child(or children) will only know his mother, but you can have your child know her through the memories you give them if her.

OP I know I don’t know what you are going through, but you need to hear this! I know it may be blunt and I may be flamed, but SHE WOULD WANT NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS FOR YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND FAMILY! I know your mad she was taken and if you could change one thing you would, but you cannot live life in regret.  She would never want that for you, dhe would want you to have a smile on your face everyday.  If you want to get through tonight think of one thing that you mom would do to make her happy and do it! It’s a start and you might feel better doing it!   You are strong and wonderful! Your mother lives through you!  If you need anything please PM me!  

And again if I’m blunt or hurtful in anyway I apologize, it wasn’t met to harm/hurt you in anyway 

Post # 16
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry about your mom, but it sounds like you are completely complicit in the problems you are having.

You’re not communicating in a healthy or forthcoming way, which is a death sentence. I think it’s likely that your husband not coming to the comclusions you want him to could be due to you not being a very direct (and honestly, in this case, somewhat emotionally abusive) way.

You have some responsibility to take in all of this. I think therapy would be really useful here – both for you on your own and for you as a couple.

And in the mean time, seriously – stop using the divorce card, especially over IM (?!?!?!?!).

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