- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
Sorry, been trying not to feel bad about this, but I think it’s weighing on me more than I’ve cared to admit. I hav no real relationship with either of my parents, or any part of my family. The whole story is too long, suffice to say most of them sre strnager I didn’t meet until the end of high school or after college, so while they might be called “grandpa” or “aunt”, I’ve been closer to my landlady of 6 years and co-workers than these people.
I just got a call this week from a bill collector looking for my mom who lives in another state. We’d stopped talking for about 6 years, which killed me not knowing if she was even alive, let alone where she was, but dealing with her antics was killing me more at the time. My half brother on her side gave her my number without my permission over a year ago before Christmas, trying to force us to have a relationship. He was given up for adoption by her 10 years before I was born, and he didn’t grow up knowing her, so her actions don’t get to him they way they do me.
I grew up as her primary caretaker while she abused her prescription meds and stayed in bed all day. I hid bills from my father for her. I cooked and did as much cleaning as my stature would allow. I wasn’t allowed out of earshot except for school in case she hurt herself or needed me. I learned to drive at 11 because she kept trying to drive intoxicated with me in the car, and my dad was worried after several stop signs and telephone poles suffered the wrath of our mini van. Finally, at 15, after she has 2 near fatal overdoses, being evicted Chritmas 1991 because she decided not to pay rent and horrible months of violent fighting, I got in a car with my dad who scarred the crap out of me, in order to shake her up into getting help.
My dad, who is no winner himself and was diagnosed as manic depressive, told me she was sick (I agreed) and that she must not want me since she can’t clean up. He divorced her, I had no contact with her until I was 21. She shows up, after I’d started to heal from the damage she’d done to me. I’d just been kicked out by dad for reminding him too much of her (he did the same to his sons from his first marriage for being too much like THEIR mom). At first it was all sunshine and puppies – she’d tried to get to me but HE’D kept her away. It sounded plausible for a while, as he’d done some pretty dispicalbe things to me and my BF just a year before. Then the calls start. Bounced checks. She stops talking about how geat her boss is, and starts telling me her boss is plotting with her landlord to evict her. My BF’s mom starts getting collection calls. She gets arrested. I bail her out. She gets arrested again. I bail her out, again. She is accused of theft more than once. She claims to have been raped (to this day I don’t know if it was true – and I hate myself for doubting). She gets evicted. My BF’s parents and I go to move her stuff out before it’s auctioned off. We rescue her cats. We all tell her to get some help, this is hurting everyone. She gets mad. After 4 years of this, I tell her I can’t take it. She needs to clean up or leave me alone. So she breaks probation and leaves the state.
I hated my self for 6 years for not wanting to know where she was. I got mad at my half brother for forcing me to talk to her. I don’t confide in her. She’s not my mom. She’s my 65 year old drug addicted, bi polar daughter. I can’t afford the legal help I’d need to reign her in. I can’t live with her under my roof. She always knows best, and nothing is ever her fault. In the last year, I broke down once and tried to talk to her this last fall as a MOM, not osme lady I happen to know and have lived with. Fail. My dad’s mother, my “grandmother” died. I’d wanted to know her my whole life, but when I met her, I found her to be as bitter and abusive as her son. I tried to be a good granddaughter – excelled at school, was involved in church, did anyhting I was asked around the house for her, but it just didn’t work. I was very conflicted at her death – I didn’t feel she loved me, and I couldn’t even say I really liked her, but it meant there was no chance ever to fix that. Also, I was surounded by a multitude of friends happily moving onward to engagement and marriage, while my BF and I were still :just dating”, even though we’ve been together the longest. Literally. I was a mess. All my mom could do was talk about how my grandmother was convinced my mom had broken up my dad’s first marriage (something I’d never even heard, but now, nowing how she lies and “defends” herself, I have to wonder), se asked me, knowing I haven’t spoken to the man in 14 years, if my dad has gained weight… and then told me I didn’t need to be married or have settled finances to give her grandkids. Fail.
So I gave up. I try soemtimes to talk to my BF’s mom like she’s my mom, but until we’re married, I really can’t feel good about that. She doesn’t mind… it’s all me, I know.
For about a month, I’ve been getting calls with a weird area code and number, so I’d not answered them. No voicemails were left, and since the area code looked like my mom’s, and in one year she’s given me 7 differnt phone numbers, I figured it was her and I’d call her at a better time. Monday, I answered without looking an it was a payday loan company from her town. I was angry. My half brther has been getting calls, too. He blew it off, but I pointed out that things always start like this. I’ve seen the pattern for 33 years. Skipping out on payments. Bounced checks with MY phone number on them. Thenit leads to eviction (she’s been hinting at that for a while) and/or jail, which I pointed out to him. She then contacted me (at his request) asking for the number, thenshe lied, saying she’d never used them. I asked how they got both MY first and last name and other-state phone number (She uses maiden name. I use my dad’s name. Phone bill is in BF’s name – no ties there). She played dumb. I got angry, thensad, then defeated. It’s be easier on me if she’d passed away when I was younger, and didn’t have to see her flaws. I feel I’ve never had a mom. I hate that. I see my friends getting married, and how they can share things with their moms. I then realized one needed some help because her mom died a couple of years ago, and she was going to go dress shopping and plan alone (she thought it was an imposition to ask someone to be her MOH), so I got her permission to tag along and brought some friends and made a fun girls’ day out of it. I just am mopey and feel cheated out of the nice things I see other people having with their families, my BF’s family is strained right now, and I hate talking to HIS mom about things I should be able to talk to mine about. Instead I listen to lies to humor her and do what little is in me to make her happy.