Post # 1
I am having trouble concentrating on anything today. A friend of 7 years passed away last week. We had an interesting friendship. We were friends originally and rode horses together. Later on she became a client of mine (I trained horses). We had ups and downs in our friendship and she always called me her little sister. She was very critical of me and everyone in life, but it came from love and for everyone’s well being. She taught me a lot about what I love in life.
I was there when she was diagnosed with the terminal cancer. I had been going through health issues that started just before hers. It caused me a lot of personal stress, a change of career, etc. I began to shut people and things out of my life, more out of just depression than anything. The last 8 months we haven’t spoken. I tried to get in touch a few times, but nothing in return. We had gone through periods of time where we would not talk for a few months so this was not super abnormal. When she had her dog and cat pass away, she preferred not to talk to anyone for a couple months. I thought maybe this is how she wanted it, so I eventually let it rest.
Anyways, I have no idea what to say to her husband, how to express my sorrow, my pain, the loss of my friend. I am not sure if I attend her funeral as there are a lot of people that are going to be there who didn’t understand my illness, depression or the reason I left my career riding horses. Second, I don’t know how her husband and family feel about me at this point. I’m very saddened and wish I had been able to say goodbye. Do I attend? Do I just send my feelings and condolences in a card with flowers? I’m very lost 🙁
Post # 3
I don’t think that other people should determine whether or not you attend a funeral. If you feel that you would regret not attending, attend. If you feel more comfortable just sending flowers or something, do that. There’s no wrong choice. You have to do what makes you most comfortable.
Post # 4
It sounds like you want to attend the funeral. So I say attend. I’d probably also make a donation to whatever they are taking donations for.
If you want to offer condolances to her husband or family, a nice card would be fine. I don’t think you need to justify why you are at the funeral though.
I agree with MissHobbit. Do what you feel comfortable with.
Post # 5
Short of being the person that took the deceased out of this world, I don’t think I’ve ever attended a funeral service where a particular person was not wanted. Besides, funerals are for the living to say goodbye to their lost loved one, you qualify so it looks like it’s time to dust off something black and find a handkercheif. Don’t worry about what you say to the bereived family, your face will say it all, and sometimes all you have to do is show up.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Post # 6
If you want to go and it will give you closure it makes sense to go! If anyone tries to ask you about your career, let them know you are focussing on [friend] today and would prefer not to discuss your career at this time.
Post # 7
I’m sorry for your loss. Just go! People lose contact for a while for all sorts of reasons. I can almost 100% guarantee her husband will understand that and will appreciate you being there. As for her family and friends… the day is not about you, no one will be asking why you’ve dropped out of horses, because on the day of funeral no one is worried about that: it is a day to put everything else aside, remember the deceased, and comfort the bereaved. You are overthinking this. Just go.
Post # 8
Attend! This is about you saying goodbye to her, no one else’s opinion on your attendance matters. They will likely be only grateful you came, but if not, then not. You can let them take the lead on whether they want to talk with you. If not, just respect their wishes and keep to yourself, focus on what you’re there for. It’s not about you and them, but about you and her. Concentate on that.
Post # 9
Having planned several funerals (including my daughter’s) here is my opinion – a funeral is an opportunity to say good-bye and to honor the life of the deceased. Even if there had been no communication recently, if the person (related or not) played a part in your life and you wish to honor that – go. As for what to say to the husband/family – simply share your condolences. I can tell you I don’t remember a damn thing anyone said to me at my daughter or niece’s funerals – I was so consumed by grief. But I truly did appreciate the people who attended.
Post # 10
I think you should go. In my experience, it means a lot to the family for people to show their support. No one has a calendar and is keeping track of when the last time you saw the person or even what the state of your relationship was. All they know is that you were compelled to attend and honor the life of their dear one.
As for what to say to her husband: just offer your sympathy. If you want to bring a card with you, perhaps you can write favorite things or memories about your friend or even acknowledging how much she loved her husband, etc.
FWIW, I’ve never regretted attending a funeral (even when I wasn’t sure if I should go).