- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I had a miscarriage on Thursday night – I was 13 weeks 2 days pregnant, so my husband and I were literally going to announce the pregnancy this weekend. We had told our immediate family, a close friend, and my cousins (who live down the road from us) about the pregnancy, so we were glad that we hadn’t told everyone the happy news, given that it would mean breaking the sad news to them too.
Anyway, my husband and I are coping pretty well – my body took a beating and I’m still pretty sore, but emotionally we’re fine. We’re sad for the loss of what could have been a baby, but it was an unplanned pregnancy so by not being pregnant, we’re just going back to our original plan (truth be told, it was kinda inconvenient to have a baby at this stage with regards to finances, holidays and maternity leave, etc.). We were still happy at the prospect of being parents, but we’re not as devastated by this loss as we would be if we had been planning and trying for a baby.
So…the in-laws are painful enough to deal with at the best of times, and today they came to visit….
My mother-in-law told me that she “understands exactly what I’m going through because she had a miscarriage too,” (which is a phrase I totally hate) and then privately started questioning me for a blow-by-blow description of what had happened – literally “When did you start having cramps? Were there spots of blood? Did the baby come out at home or the hospital? What did they do at the hospital – did you need an operation to get everything out?” Then, the one that pissed me off the most: “You should have called me. You were home alone!” Keep in mind the in-laws live nearly an hour away, plus I had called Nurse on-call who advised me to go to hospital, my husband (having dinner with friends), my cousin who was at the house within minutes of me calling him, and an ambulance was on its way. She still insisted that I should have called her, and I should call her if I needed to talk about it. She also mentioned that it was part of “God’s plan” (I’m an atheist).
My father-in-law told my husband and I that we shouldn’t let this stop us, and said that we should start trying again for a baby as soon as possible. We reiterated over and over that we would just be going back to our original plan for having children, but they insisted that the only way to heal from the “emotional pain” of a miscarriage was to try for another one. He also gave me a massive lecture for doing gardening today (two days after the miscarriage), and saying I was going back to work on Monday.
It really seemed as if they had arrived expecting us to be an emotional wreck, and I understand that – miscarriages are painful and I’m sure they were devastated at the prospect of not being grandparents. But the way they were talking seemed as if they wanted us to break down sobbing in their arms so that they could comfort us with their superior wisom and incredible compassion. I ended up explaining what I said above about how we were sad, but it wasn’t so upsetting that we were unable to function – we would just revert to our original plans for the future. They exclaimed “You can’t say that! This is a tragedy! Don’t let it stop you having children!” We explained “We still plan on having children; we’re just going back to the plan we had before we got pregnant. Basically, it’s the same as before we got pregnant.”
The bit that pissed me off the most though, was when my father-in-law came out with “Yesterday was really hard for us. [Husband’s] grandparents are devastated to hear about the miscarriage.” We didn’t tell the grandparents about the pregnancy, so we weren’t planning on telling them about the miscarriage and we explained that to the in-laws, but they insisted that “If they found out about the miscarriage from someone else, they would be so upset with us!” The only people the grandparents knew that knew about the pregnancy were myself, my husband, and the mother- father- and brother-in-law. Brother-in-law is fantastic and wouldn’t tell a soul in the family because he knows how irrational they can be, so the only people they would have found out from were mother- and father-in-law. Now not only the grandparents know, but all of my husband’s aunts, uncles and cousins. My husband has some family visiting from overseas, so we were planning on going to see them this Sunday (it’s our only free weekend before Christmas, so if we cancel it won’t happen at all), but the last thing I want to do is see all these people that I just know will be all emotional about the miscarriage when all I want to do is spend the day with some family not thinking about it.