Furious at in-laws

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

@LadyElva:  That could definitely be really frustrating but you should keep in mind that they’re probably just trying to help. It sounds a bit like they think you’re hiding you pain which is understandable.

If you’re feeling really anxious, I’d suggest your husband sends word through your parents that you don’t want to talk about it so that the family know to keep mum ahead of time.

ETA: Cyber hugs 🙂

Post # 5
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@LadyElva:  This is a really difficult situation and I’m really sorry to hear how hard your in-laws are being on you. Sending you hugs and hoping things settle down for you quickly.

Post # 6
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

@LadyElva:  It does suck that they’re not being considerate of your privacy and with the whole work thing I now have more of an idea of the mess they made.

With the rest of the relatives, definitely handle it in the best way you feel comfortable. I have no idea how your relationship with the in laws usually is or how their family dynamic works, I guess I was going by the assumption that if you made it perfectly clear how important your privacy is to you they would be less intrusive. 

Post # 7
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

From your past posting history about his family, I don’t think anything they said or did would have been acceptable to you. You flat out just do not like his family, so everything about them rubs you the wrong way.

 

From my perspective, their reaction and concern is what I would expect from family members who really care about someone, especially under these circumstances. His Mom was trying to comfort you, not annoy you, and the questions she was asking weren’t prying…they were normal. She went through it and she was trying to share her personal history with you, but instead of accepting it for what it was, you seem to be looking for more reasons to dislike her. I would also think that you might be comforted knowing everyone is upset for you instead of them shrugging it off and saying ‘Oh,well. You’ll just have to try again!’

 

I hope you know that these people will never be what you want them to be.

 

Post # 8
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@LadyElva:  Doesnt it just piss you off when people tell you a m/c is gods plan? athiest or not, if god wanted to gift you with a baby why would he do that and then take it away? why would he let us get pregnant with babies that have abnormalities. People rarely think before they speak and i was so angry when people said that to me. 

 

I have had 2 m/c one pregnancy was unplanned (1st one) and the other was planned. The first one i was seeing a guy who was a dick, when i had my m/c i was able to break free from him and i met my DH in the process so in essence that m/c had a purpose for me. But my 2nd m/c was just a month ago, we planned it and lost it at just 4 weeks and 5 days, then i got pregnant again the month after and am now 5 weeks today. Itr doesnt make sense why my last happened, nothing came out of it that was good, nothing  changed so to me it was pointless. 

 

Also when people say ‘ive had a m/c too so ive been there’ NO you havnt. every circumstance is different, some babies are wanted and some arent, some parents knew they were pregnant and some didnt. My own mother says this to me because she lost a baby at 7 weeks, she didnt know she was pregnant and didnt want it so for her to tell me ‘i know what youre going through’ made my blood boil. 

 

Its easier said than done but take your in-laws with a pinch of salt, they are annoying but they are family. They at least seem concerned with you losing the baby whereas mine werent bothered. At least you and your DH have a plan now, hope your body gets back to normal soon, it can take a long time to feel yourself again but youll get there x

Post # 9
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage.  It sounds like your in laws are trying to be nice.  However, questions about details would be too intrusive for me.  What about not answering all of the questions and simply telling people you appreciate the concern but don’t care to discuss it further?  you don’t have to share every detail if you don’t want to.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LadyElva:  I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I am a private person as well, and had a miscarriage in June. All of the questions wanting to know a play by play would be absolutely unacceptable to me. The only person who knows what I went through is my husband, because it’s nobody else’s f’ing business. I can’t think of any way a person could think that would be appropriate or therapeutic to talk about, especially since you are not volunteering the information. It would be different if you sat her down and told her you needed to get it all out or something, but that’s not what happened by the sound of it. It sounds purely nosy to me. Not to be harsh, but just the thought of the interrogation you went through makes my blood boil for you.

Oh, and last time around we told our parents and my husband’s grandmother and swore them all to secrecy. So of course his grandmother goes and tells ALL of the aunts, uncles, and cousins. We lost the baby a week later. I was pissed. I saw them all a month later at a family birthday event, and thankfully they all had enough tact to completely ignore the topic, though I did get more hugs than usual.

Post # 11
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I understand how you’re feeling about them telling people. The last time I had a mc my mom told all my siblings about it, despite the fact that none of them even knew I was pregnant and I had no intention of telling them about the loss. 

They always mean well, your in-law’s included. I know how frustrating it is, but they really do. I’m an atheist as well (something my mother definitely knows) yet she tells me the same thing about it being god’s plan. Sigh. I know that’s what makes her feel better, just like that’s what makes your in-law’s feel better, so they say it without thinking. It’s an attempt at comfort – just a poor one. 

That being said, you have gone through an extremely emotional, tough situation. Even though you and your husband are making the best out of it, you are entitled to be emotional, upset, and hurt at how people react to you. Your feelings are your own and you don’t need to justify them. I would take a few weeks on your own, without dealing with them, and then (when you’ve had time to deal with this loss) I would talk to them about how, as a private person, that felt like another loss when you heard that multiple people now knew about a pain you had no intention of sharing. That was a violation of your privacy, however well intentioned they were, and that’s something they need to acknowledge and respect. It was not their news to share and the grandparents certainly wouldn’t have been upset when they explained it that way (should they have somehow ever found out). 

I am so sorry for your loss and that you had this added layer of difficulty to deal with. I hope things get easier for you and I’m glad you have such a supportive husband! Hang in there xx

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

@LadyElva:  And if you ever get pregnant again you don’t tell them till you are in massive maternity clothes. Clearly they can’t be trusted.  This really sucks for you now, but the people they hurt long term the most are themselves. Because now their son and daughter in law don’t trust them to know ‘early’. This isn’t really something they can atone for or make up for. They altered their future permently and there is little you can do. Still tell BIL though, since he’s cool. 

Post # 13
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LadyElva:  I had a mc at the beginning of this year but thankfully I hadn’t told any family members.  I would feel very similar to you in terms of wanting to maintain my privacy and not share my personal feelings on the topic.  So, I really sympathize with your emotions.

I am now 28 weeks pregnant, and we told our parents at around 11 weeks.  (I would have waited til 12, but 11 weeks coincided with my dad’s birthday and I caved because I was tired of keeping the secret plus the logistics were just so convenient.)  I was adamant that they not tell anyone for a few more weeks, and they seemed to think I was being really unreasonable about it.

@ItWasntMe:  So, if you don’t feel close to someone regardless of their family relationship to you, how are you supposed to navigate this sort of situation when you just want to cling to your privacy?  I have this issue with my mom.  I can’t quite figure out why, but I really feel uncomfortable sharing personal stuff with her.  I just don’t feel close to her, and I feel like she doesn’t “get” me.  How am I supposed to balance her desire to spend time together and share stuff versus my visceral desire to keep to myself?

Post # 14
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LadyElva:  wow – you have every right to be furious!  I can’t believe they told other family members!  I am actually afraid of this happening with my in-laws.  So sorry about your miscarriage – glad you and your DH are coping well! 

Post # 15
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ItWasntMe:  +1  

It sounds to me like they were just trying to help and be there for you and you are being pretty unreasonable

 

“Then, the one that pissed me off the most: “You should have called me. You were home alone!”

This pissed you off? your mother-in-law wishing you had called her in your time of need…wishing that she could have been there for you..really? that pissed you off??

You should be thankful you have in-laws who care and want to be there for you, maybe they over stepped their boundaries a little by informing other family members but to me that is the only part that really warrants being annoyed. 

 


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