Post # 1
I recently informed my family that my fiance will be changing his middle name to my last name. I felt that I wanted to keep it in my little family as a way of completely uniting us and two families becoming one rather than a women leaving one to join another. Don’t get me wrong. Its fine for others to take their husband’s name. To me its more of a personal choice but I digress.
My eldest brother was out right furious. Please note he has never been a traditionalist nor is religious. His argument is as follows and very hurtful:
” It’s not right for you to give away the [Blank] name like that, you are being selfish and only thinking about yourself and not thinging at all about the traditions and culture and all who bore the [Blank] name before you. He is not a [Blank] male and this is a huge deal, he should not thave the title of [Blank], it is not something that is earned.. if you do love your last name then respect its entirety, the traditions, its culture and our forefathers, then do not give it away, its just not right. Our dad is rolling in his grave right now and I will never forgive you for doing so. I don’t care if you change your name altogether and make a new last name, just do not disgrace the [Blank] name. I love my last name too, more than you’ll ever know, it’s tied to religion, culture and family and the only ones entitled to the [Blank] name are ones born rightfully with the name by blood and ones who bear [Blank] children, that is it. I was in agreance that he! would be asking for your hand, meaning, he wants you to join his tribe, nowhere was it mentioned that I was going to share my last name too. I would never agree with sharing my name with that man or any man for that matter. plain & simple in marring him you will be joining the house of his name, it’s not and will never be the other way around. “
I essentially called him a chauvinist and stated out of respect for my brother my fiance will not be taking the name. However, I simply can’t see having him at the wedding because of this. I am furious and resentful to the point that I’m just not sure if I want him there but I simply can’t decide. Should I invite him anyways?
This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by shionna16.
Post # 2
shionna16: wow! What an offensive and ridiculous rant from your brother! I’m not surprised you’re so angry, how long until the wedding? Do you have te to wait to see if you get less angry? Not inviting him is a big decision but one you are completely allowed to make but be aware it may permanently damage your relationship (if his rant hasn’t already). How come you’re backing down and letting his rant alter your and your fiancés decision about your names?
Post # 3
shionna16: I wouldnt have backed down on your fiance taking the name. Its not like your family is THE ONLY FAMILY with that last name. There are likely people who are not related to you with that last name. Is your brother married? Did his wife take his last name? I dont see how thats any different. You are choosing to unite yourself with someone for the rest of your life. Why can he not take on your last name in some way? I personally would still haveyour fiance take your name if it means that miuch to you and just not tell your brother.
I think your brother is being a grade A asshole about it and needs a reality check.
As far as a wedding invite goes, NOT inviting him will do more damage than anything. If you would like to strain your relationship further, dont invite him.
Post # 4
The wedding is in November 2015 so we have well over a year to decide. We do not want this decision to anger anyone in the family which it has and I truly respect my brother. However, his statement has left me feeling resentful and extremely hurt. This has only transpired only moments ago so its still very fresh.
My mother wasn’t on board with the idea either however she wasn’t as furious nor crass. To be honest I am lacking support in any decisions we make for this wedding from my family. They do like my Fiance but they don’t agree with having a wedding. My mother’s own words “Go to court and get it over and done with.”
Post # 5
Just out of curiousty, what is your nationality? How does your FI feel about this?
Post # 6
I don’t understand why you would agree to drop your plan “out of respect” for your brother, if you are not planning to invite him to the wedding. At that point, what difference does it make?
I would have told your brother this is none of his business and if he will never forgive you, that is his issue to deal with. Then I’d invite him to the wedding. Ball in his court.
Post # 7
For what it’s worth, I think my brother would have felt similarly if I had wanted my husband to take my last name in some way. My brother loves my husband, but I think it’s about being a “man” in one’s family and not wanting that taken away. It’s a territory thing. The way your brother presented it was completely out of line and unacceptable and that should be addressed, but I don’t think his reaction would be different from many other people given the situation.
Post # 8
shionna16: Join his tribe? Are we all still hunter gatherers? It is just as much your name as it is his, and yours to do with as you wish.
Post # 9
My husband took my last name and his family wasn’t thrilled about it, but we’ve been married for over two years now and they’re over it. I think your husband taking your last name as his middle name is a beautifully symbolic way to bring your family together. I think/hope your brother was writing impulsively and will regret his statements later.
I really think you should continue with your original plans and let your brother calm down. If he doesn’t and misses your wedding, that’s his childish attitude and loss.
Post # 10
pinkshoes: I am Lebanese/Mexian and he is a european mix. Both of us loved the idea and we spoke regarding my brother’s proclamation of discontent. He’s is an agreence that he doesn’t want to place strife in the family as well.
Post # 11
weddingmaven: You do have a point there. It’s kind of why I simply can’t decide what to do. I am trying my best not to have emotions take me over which is why I am here. I know ultimately this is my and my FI decision. The support from this site has helped me.
Post # 12
My husband and I both hyphenated to mylast-hislast. My family LOVES it. There were lots of ‘welcome to the family’s at the wedding and my parents crack jokes of ‘you’re a mylast now, do you do stereotypical mylast thing too?’
I think your brother was way out of line and that it is not his place to decide what your FI does with his name.
Post # 13
shionna16: Your brother is being ridiculous. But, that is no reason to not invite him to the wedding. To not invite a brother to a wedding it needs to be really serious, like abuse or threatening your fiance. Definitely still invite your brother to your wedding.
Post # 14
At the statement he made, I feel like he’s a backwards thinker now. Geez, should my fiance given him a camel and a donkey for my hand in marriage?
Post # 15
Wow, you’re right, your brother is acting like such a chauvinist ass. Now that he has shown his true colors, you know that he is not worth keeping in the loop about what you and your husband plan to do about your name.
I say invite him to the wedding, but refuse to talk with him anymore about anything name related. If he asks what you guys decided to do, just say, “I won’t talk with you about that subject. You’ve made your opinion very clear, and I disagree with you, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter.”
Then, go ahead with your plan of having your husband change his name. It’s not like your brother will ever have any reason in the future to try and figure out his brother-in-law’s middle name.