Post # 1
I found out that one of FH’s groomsmen/candidate for best man is sending him txts like, “are you sure you want to get married?” and “we are still young dude we should be having fun not settling down” and also, “you should just move up here and look for a job man” (“up here” is 400 miles away from our current location and my FH HAS a wonderful job).
I hate this jerk and there is a special place in H*LL for people like him. I wish we didn’t have to have him in our wedding. He is a pathetic bitter little divorced man whose wife dumped him because he is such an idiot.
I REALLY DO NOT want this moron in my wedding and a part of what is supposed to be one of the best days of my life.
I don’t really feel like bringing it up with FH b/c we have already had dozens of arguments about this person. Almost ALL the arguments we have EVER had have stemmed from this person.
Maybe my MOH will make good on a previous offer to kill him????
Anyone in a similar situation?
What did you do/what WOULD you do?
PS: They are in their 30’s! NOT THAT young or TOO young!
Post # 3
I would just try to let it go. Obviously your relationship is strong enough that this bitter, divorced person will not break it up. Is he really worth taking up your time with arguments? NO!
So he is divorced and bitter, hopefully one day he will find happiness again. Not everyone hides their bitterness well, and maybe think of it as your FH being a good friend to him during this time and not dumping him as soon as he is going through a rough patch?
I would try to put him as far out of your mind as possible and make peace with the fact that you do not need to like and be friends with all of your FH’s friends.
Now, I wish I could take my own advice! My ILs have said numerous hateful things to me and FI over the years, insulting us, our relationship and future wedding plans. Would I like to cut them out of my wedding over this? Heck yea. But at some point we need to learn to be the bigger person and let this go. if it were only so easy!
Post # 4
I had a relative give me some great advice a few years ago I use all the time when trying to decide whether to confront a problem: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do you want to prove your point to your FI about his friend and get into a huge fight or just be happy that your FI is a good friend (even if you don’t get why) and keep the peace, knowing this person doesn’t really pose a threat to your relationship? I know it’s much easier said then done and easy to not be the one dealing with it, but we’re here for you when you need to vent!
Post # 5
If it doesn’t bother FI, don’t let it bother you. FI gets the texts, right? If he just laughs them off, let it go. If the texts bother him, then it’s up to him to dump him as groomsman. Otherwise, so long as he is not rude to you to your face, I think he can be trusted to behave on your wedding day.
I hardly interacted with the groomsmen at all, even on our wedding day.
Post # 6
@mrstau732: Sorry this is happening. I had a similar situation with one of my FI friends (they are no longer friends, in part due to this type of talk).
I personally understand why you are upset – the way I see it, the bridal party is there not only to support you guys individually on your day, but I also feel that the best man and maid of honor should be people who are supportive of the relationship. I know others may not share my same viewpoint, but I guess I just wanted to tell you I totally understand how you feel right now. I wish Inhad some advice for you..I really hope things find a way to work themselves out.
Post # 7
@paula1248: I wish it were that simple. This guy has said terrible stuff to me in person while FH is in the bathroom or getting the car or anytime he steps away. Every chance he gets to say anything.
FH will dump me when I am 25 b/c I’ll be too old
FH will pick up a 19 year old next time they snowboard with their bros
If I get fat FH will dump me.
He has put FH in situations where they hang out around college girls and FH is miserable and txts me all night THEN he takes pics of it and tries to pass it off as FH “making new friends” (real caption of a fb pic he posted). How could he be cheating when I was talking/txting him all night (initiated by FH not me. I trust him)???
Just HORRIBLE things that I KNOW aren’t true but this guy is not someone I want around my loved ones on our big day.
His other options for best man are wonderful, people we have couples brunch with & one whose wife has been very generous with wedding planning assistance.
FH is a nice guy and is a people pleaser not a fan of making waves. He has been friends with this guy almost 3x as long as he has known me. Everyone says it is FH’s decision but if any of my bridesmaids or MOH was this terrible I’d cut them off (and I’ve known them all our lives and they are great and love FH).
Post # 8
@Snapdragon2804: Thanks. Haha. I wish you had advice for me too! But I definitely appreciate the sympathy. It’s hard to ignore someone so toxic. It’s nice to hear that someone else knows how I am feeling.
Post # 9
@mrstau732: OK this is obviously worse than you first said. After your first post I was wondering if it was just “guy humour”, but talking like that to your face means it’s worse than that. I would keep pressing FI to dump this guy from the wedding party, because of the way he treats you.
ETA: How does FI defend this guy? Maybe it is just guy humour I don’t get??
The probem with FI being a “people pleaser” is he is pleasing his friend ahead of you. FI needs to realise that, given the choice between upsetting his friend (by dumping him as GM) and upsetting you (by keeping him), upsetting you is unacceptable.
Post # 10
@paula1248: RIGHT!?!?? Sorry I wasn’t specific in my 1st post. I didn’t have the energy but when you mentioned if he said anything to my face I had to clarify. I just don’t know if I have the fight in me to discuss it AGAIN with FH. I feel like we have exhausted this topic.
It’s not just me, there are other wives/gfs in this group he has said inappropriate and/or insensitive things to. ALL the guys just brush it off and say “Eh. Thats just (insert a-hole’s name here) . He’s just kidding. You know he’s an idiot.”
Argh. It’s like they are working off some sort of script!
I JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THIS MORON I NEED AN INTERVENTION!!! HELP PAULA!!!!!!! AHHHHH.
Sorry. I think I had a a mini breakdown just now.
On the other hand, thanks for listening.
I am going to eat my feelings in chocolate cake now.
Post # 11
Also, It NEVER gets resolved. FH and I fight. I demand an apology. FH tells him to not be a jerk around me. I get an insincere apology. He goes back to his a-hole ways. None of the other girls have ever gotten apologies. They just b*tch about him. I think I’m the only one that ever demands any action.
Post # 12
@mrstau732: “ALL the guys just brush it off and say “Eh. Thats just (insert a-hole’s name here) . He’s just kidding. You know he’s an idiot.””
Painful as it is to say, I think you’ve just got to trust guys’ judgement of guys then. Maybe you can compromise and insist that he can be a groomsman but he can’t be best man; that he can be in the wedding so long as he doesn’t have a speaking part. And then avoid him. Because like I said, I hardly spoke DH’s groomsmen at all. (Not because I had a problem with them, but simply that’s how the day panned out).
Post # 13
@mrstau732: I might mention something to your FI letting him know you don’t find the guy’s comments very nice OR amusing. I also am of the mind that anyone who does not support the marriage of the couple should NOT be involved in or invited to the wedding. If the guy is just joking, that’s one thing. But your FI should set him straight or cut him out of the wedding altogether.
Post # 14
FI has (had, techinically) a friend like this who asked these sorts of questions when he found out we were dating. The friend and my FI’s ex got together and told my FI that he was acting out of character (I am not completely white or in my 30s, OMG!) and actually referred psychiatrists to him! He even tried to give me a dessert that my FI’s ex cooked without telling me where it was from but I knew so I never ate it (bad karma). THEN the guy got another girl that just had a crush on my FI (neither of us even knew her that well, except that she was an alcoholic) to be on his side and try to push him away from me.
My FI cut him off. Period. As soon as that happened, the guy changed his tune. Everything was cool for a good while. However, because this guy is a perpetual liar my FI cut him off for reasons having nothing to do with me and everything to do with what a jerk he is.
Just wait it out. Miserable people will soon be miserable alone.
Post # 15
Probably because you are a sweetheart, you have been way too nice. It might be an age thing because we tend to put up with more BS when we’re young,.
Your FI wants to keep him as a friend and won’t step in. Fine. Then this is when mrstau defends mrstau. If someone made comments like that to your bestfriend when her FI was in the bathroom, I imagine you’d have some choice words for that person. Be your best girl friend and if he ever says anything like that again, you tell him where he can shove it. FI is welcome to be his friend but you don’t have to support it in any way. I would make it crystal clear I dislike that person, I would not talk to them, I would not associate with them unless absolutely necessary. How dare some divorced 30-something tell a young woman that her FI will dump her when she inevitably ages?
I am in the same situation with several of my BF’s friends (they have this insane clique mentality and are all horrible to one another). They have “apologized” for things they’ve said about me and I just said “uh huh” and now never talk to them.
Post # 16
Also, once you get married, and especially if you have kids, he will fade into the background anyway.