Post # 1
So, I got engaged back in June and our wedding is in May. My fiancé’s sister assumed she was going to be a bridesmaid, even though her and I are not very close. She was pretty upset (angry) when she found out she wasn’t in the wedding. His mom was also upset. My fiancé said it was my choice and I said I didn’t feel like her and I were close enough to have her in the wedding as a bridesmaid. Not once has she called me to ask anything about the wedding nor did she personally express to me that she wanted to be in the wedding. I only heard about it from my fiancé and his mom. Now, as it is getting closer and closer, I am almost regretting not having her in the wedding. The reason I am regretting it is because I want peace within the family. They are now my family and I don’t have any sisters and always wanted one. I feel like I should have just bit the bullet and had her be in the wedding just so there would be peace in the family. I feel like her and his mom are going to hold it against me for the rest of our lives. There is still time to have in be in it, but I want to make sure I am doing it for me and not just to please everyone else on the most important day of my life.
Post # 3
personally, when my brother goes to get married, i would hope I would be in the wedding party. He and I have always been close, and whether i’m super close with his future wife or not, I would want to stand up there for him.
If you really think there’s time to add her, and it wont cause extra stress, go ahead & ask her to be in it. Eventually, more than likely, years down the road, she’ll be the one bridesmaid you’ll actually see on a regular basis.
Post # 4
If her and his mother are insistent upon her being in the wedding party, she should be included on your fiance’s side. She could wear the same dress as the bridesmaids. She absolutely doesn’t need to be standing on your side if you aren’t close to her. Don’t give in!
What about having her do a reading? She could wear a corsage.
Post # 5
If it’s important to her to be in her brother’s wedding, she needs to discuss this with HIM. Just because you are the bride doesn’t mean they get to direct all of their anger at you, especially when she ASSUMED she was in it without even mentioning it to you!
Can he ask her to be a reader or something “non-BM” that is also special?
Post # 6
You get closer to people by spending time with them. this could bring you two closer. You’re going to have to deal with her the rest of your life, besides it’s not like you have to pay for her dress or anything.
Post # 7
I’ve always seen the groom’s sister as bridesmaids. I’m not close to my two FSILs, nor do they ask about the wedding but the polite thing to do is ask them to be bridesmaids. But now it’s kinda too late since she already knows that you didn’t want her to be one. I would be upset if I was her too.
Post # 8
She doesn’t need to be bullied into having FSIL as a bridesmaid. You don’t ask someone to stand with you hoping this will bring you closer. You ask your nearest and dearest to be with you. If they are insisting upon her being in the wedding, they need to talk to the groom about whether he wants her on his side.
Post # 9
If you don’t want her to be in it then don’t have her in it if it is important to you. Honestly, if you start letting them push you around to get what they want it will happen with EVERYTHING.
Another thing, this isn’t your issue. This is your Fi’s issue. It is his family HE needs to handle them.
Post # 10
When I got engaged, it was a given that I would ask FI’s sisters. I was not close to either of them and one even lives across the country. I have become so close to the sister who lives here ever since.
My brother is also in the wedding, neither FI or myself are close to him but my mom insisted he be in the wedding.
I think it’s a very nice gesture to ask siblings to be in the wedding, but in the end it really is up to you.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2013 - Callanwolde Fine Arts Center
I asked my SIL to be in our wedding party. We weren’t extremely close before and we aren’t really that much closer now, but it felt right to me since she was going to be the only Sister I have (until my brothers get married). If it doesn’t feel right to you to have her stand up with you on your wedding day, then don’t feel forced into it. Don’t let yourself get forced into something you may regret later.
Post # 12
@sjreed14: I will share my story from the opposite spectrum. While SIL and I have since mended out relationship and I’m still glad I included her, she was no peach to deal with.
We asked her even though I wasn’t close to her. I mainly asked her cause I thought that it’s a given that siblings are in the wedding. She said yes, but made the stipulation that she didn’t want a strapless dress. For MONTHS I looked for a new dress and had her turn down everything and even at one point had her mom, grandma, and herself gang up on me at Christmas and whine about everything.
Come to find out, when shit finally hit the fan, that she felt like she was being forced to be in the wedding, that we never asked her (we did), and she hated the dress. She wished we wouldn’t have included her to begin with but I KNOW if we hadn’t, I wouldn’t have heard the end of it with her mom and grandma so we were stuck between a rock and hard place either way.
Her brother ended up dealing with her because she got VERY belligerent and mean. She ended up staying in the wedding and apologized to me for her behavior during the dance and said she was sorry for the way she acted and underestimated my ability to plan such a beautiful event.
**So, all in all, even though we had a huge blowup, I am glad I had her in the wedding.
In your case, I would talk to your FI and see what he thinks. If he thinks that its your choice, then it is your choice and have HIM tell his family that, not you. I don’t know that I would give in just because everyone else would be mad at you. You kind of got to pick your “evil.” Do you not include her and run the risk of everyone being mad about this OR do you pick her to keep the peace, knowing full well that everyone was able to get their way and with the possibility of her being a difficult bridesmaid?
Post # 13
Thanks for all the advice! She does live in a different state and I think she would have a hard time trying to pay for
everything. I don’t want her to feel like I’m not including her on purpose. I have one bridesmaid who I didn’t know if she would accept my invitation to be in the wedding due to financial reasons, but she did. I had every intention to ask his sister if this BM said she couldn’t. I think most of the drama has died down now, and my fiance did tell her and his mom that it was my choice and to drop it. My brother is an usher, but we each chose one usher, my brother and his brother-in-law. And that’s the other thing, he has an older sister who hasn’t mentioned a thing about being in the wedding, but I think that’s because she is 10 years older than him and his younger sister is my same age. I guess the deciding factor for me was just that I was imagining writing notes to each of my bridesmaids and everything I give them would be so personal and meaningful to our friendships, but with his sister I wouldn’t be able to replicate those feelings because I don’t feel like she makes any effort to be my friend, let alone my sister. We aren’t doing readings by people, and I don’t think she would be comfortable doing that. If I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel about all this and know that she isn’t going to hate me for the rest of our lives I would probably feel better! I think at this point we will leave things how they are and just enjoy our day!
Post # 14
@sjreed14: I had this same internal argument with myself over my FI’s sister (and she and I were best friends in high school even, and just grew apart over time) but I am so, so, so glad I didn’t decide to have her in the bridal party. We just aren’t close enough.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
My FSIL assumed too, but I made a place for her in my bridal party so that we’d be entering the family in good faith. At the time, her and I weren’t close either. We’ve since come closer together and I believe it was a great choice.
Post # 16
@sjreed14: My brother has 3 sisters, neither of us were bridesmaids…and that is because his wife has a really tight group of friends who have been friends since childhood, and she has 1 sister.
We were included by being asked to be readers during the ceremony. I felt honored to be asked, but I was most estatic when i received an invitation to share their special day with them…that was what was most important to me.