(Closed) Future brother in law.. ugh… long

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

It’s really hard to prevent someone you love from making a mistake.  You can only really share your advice, and hope for the best…  it’s hard, but I don’t know of any other approach!

Post # 4
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

His story is pretty far-fetched, but not completely out of the realm of possibility. He also sounds like someone who is trying vey badly to be seen ina an impressive light. If ever the oppurtunity arises (which it probably won’t), let him know that you care deeply for your sister and you’re curious about this very unique situation. But, mostly, you have to let your sister make her own decisions and mistakes, or you might lose her completely. Life is messy.

Post # 5
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

As a Canadian myself I know that LOADS of people from out here on the East Coast leave and go “out west” to Alberta (in particular) because of the very high paying jobs in the oil work camps and the large amount of money they are able to make in a short period of time. Many go out and work ALL the time for a few months then come home with big bank accounts to buy homes, cars,etc…. So yes it is possible.

There is a demand for people with trades, therefore because there is a shortage they can get paid a premium wage. My FI has 3 trades and went to community college and he makes more than I do with a University degree.

Keep in mind though that “out west” they make big wages but also property, homes and the general cost of living is much higher than other places in Canada, so this could explain the high cost of the farm. The wages aren’t very high here in the east but the cost of living is also less than out west.

It sucks the way he treats your sister but the wage, farm cost etc makes sense.

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ummm, even oil rig engineers don’t make 295,000 a year. I don’t believe it, sorry. One of the highest paid starting salaries in the US is an oil rig engineer at 90K a year fresh out of 4 YEARS of college. I really doubt anybody who went to tech school is making three times that. Otherwise, everybody would be in that field! I think he’s just stretching it too far.

He sounds like a shady character to me. At 22, he’s not very mature to be treating you like that. If he wants a pre-nup, that’s good i get it (and good for your sister as this whole thing sounds like it could get volatile in a year), but his defensiveness in having you discuss it with your sister makes me go, “hm that doesn’t sound right”. You’re looking out for her, he’s looking out for himself I bet. Any prenup should be mutually beneficial so in 4 years if something happens, she’s not a bum in the street because he tweaked the prenup to screw her.

Maybe your mom can talk to your sister? Either way, hopefully once this infatuation period is over, she sees the truth for who he is. Or, maybe she’ll just move in with him for 6 months and get tired of being his domestic housewife.

Post # 7
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry that you’re going through this!  Like Mr. Bee said, it’s tough to see someone you love make a mistake.  I’ve got through similar situations with my own sister before, and I can tell you (being the younger of the two) that she’s going to end up doing what she wants (we’re stubborn like that).  I think it’s great that you’re trying to look out for her; just be sure to let her know that you’re there for her — no matter what decision she makes.   I know I’ve failed to heed my sister’s advice and come back later crawling on my knees.

Post # 8
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Is there any way you could talk your sister in to a long engagement? Like 2 years or more? I have experience with Canada (fiance and some of my family are Canadian), it is possible that he makes a ton of money working on heavy machinery. I don’t know if $295k is realistic, but its possible that its very high. Maybe he is exagerating to look impressive, like someone else said.

I would be worried about the archaic attitude he has towards marriage though…

Post # 9
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

What do your parents say?  I would be worried sick.  Have you seen the farm?

Post # 10
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I actually think the prenup is a positive thing in this situation. He’s going to have to prove he is worth that much on paper. Since your sister isn’t really speaking with you make sure your parents get involved with the prenup. She’ll need hew own lawyer to review it for her.

He certainly doesn’t sound like a lovely person but you need to keep your feelings in check or you are going to lose your sister forever. You’ve said your peace so now you need to keep it to yourself. Be supportive of her. Let her know you love her no matter what.

I’m curious though – why does your brother want her to go up there? What does he see in this situation that you aren’t?

Post # 11
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

First and foremost: this guy goes through your sister’s e-mail? Seriously? And she’s okay with that? That’s pretty low, and shows a real lack of trust on his part. If my FI told me he was mad about something he’d read in my e-mail, my first question would be “Why the %$! were you reading my e-mail in the first place?!”

Ugh. You’re not the villain here, but it sounds like your sister will probably have her ears closed to anything you have to say-at least for the time being. You should ask your parents to say something to her.

Good luck to you, I know this has to be a frustrating experience for you.

Post # 12
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I have to side with Mr. Bee on this one. I know how it feels. It was not my sister but my oldest friend in the world (we’ve known each other since we were 11) who was like a sister. I knew it was her biggest mistake to marry her husband and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. They had a private ceremony with only me & FI and his best friend and his wife there. It was the single most akward thing I had to sit through. I kept thinking I should speak when the officiant said, “speak or forever hold your peace”. I didn’t, I resolved that all I could really do is let the relationship run its course and be here for her when it began to crumble and she needed me. Thats all you can really do.

Post # 13
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I understand both aspects of this.

I feel like my best friend…well I don’t really know what to call her now…is making a mistake with her choice of fiance too. But you can’t make people change or do anything they don’t want to. It takes them wanting to do it. She’s going to do what she wants to do regardless of what you tell her. I know, it sucks so bad because you’re on the outside looking in and you see more then what she’s seeing but she’s probably just going to have to make this mistake on her own. I’m sorry you have to go through with this. Me and my sister have never really gotten along but I still wanted to kick her exhusbands @$$ when he left her and took all her money.

I also understand you not trusting this guy. It does all sound a little odd. An old boss of mine was pretty much a pathological liar (like lied about having cancer liar) and you could always guarantee that any number he gave you, if you added or subtracted a zero that was the real number. Like the acreage of his property he would add a zero, ect. ect.

Unfortunatly the only thing I feel like is really in your hands at this point is to show this guy that unlike your sister, he has no control over you and he doesn’t shake you. So that in his subconcious he can realize that though she may be weak she still has a strong family behind her that’s there for her.

Maybe at their wedding reception request the dj to play that Sting song “Every Breath You Take” and just stare him down the whole time hahaha!!!

Post # 14
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this predicament.

I live in Western Canada and I have NEVER heard of someone taking a trades program for 6 months and moving on to make $295,000 CAD a year. I know people who work in Alberta, Saskatchewan, British Columbia – NO ONE MAKES THAT MUCH DOING TRADES AFTER GOING TO SCHOOL for SIX MONTHS! Sure they do make quite a bit, but no where NEAR $295,000.

All I can say is the best thing you can do is be there for your sister. You’ve said all you can say and you’ve done all you can do. If and when something happens she’ll know that you’ll be there for her.

I hope things work out.

Post # 15
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

How sad.  Unfortunately, only your sister can make these life decisions for herself.  You’ve told her your concerns & she has chosen to ignore them – there is nothing else you can do. 🙁

Post # 16
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Please don’t feel like a villain.  You tried to do something you thought would be helpful to your sister.  What can you do?  You said your peace.  It’s hard to watch someone you love, go down the wrong path.  (Especially if you feel they aren’t in a position to see things objectively.)

And I’m curious how he stumbled onto her e-mail.  I can’t blame you for being concerned about his character.  And is it $295K American or Canadian dolars?  What would the difference even be these days? 

Perhaps when you speak to her again, if ther is anything else you two need to discuss, to try to do it in person, or at least over the phone.   But just becareful.  I fear, with not liking you, he’ll isolate her.  Sounds like they’re going  down that road.

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