Post # 1
Oh, where to start…
it seems like my FFIL has had problems with his son (my fiancé) being in a relationship from the start. First, it was a problem that he stayed over at my house so he kicked him out of his (and then he officially moved into mine), then he had a problem that we were living together. When we got engaged, it seemed like he was happy, but then it turned into even more problems. My fiancé is Catholic and I am Lutheran. We decided as a couple to have the ceremony outside and mix both of our faiths, whole getting a dispensation from the Catholic Church to do so. This was a huge problem with his parents because they felt like we should be married in a Catholic Church.
We we sent out our invitations last week. After spending hours figuring out how to address the envelopes, I gave up and just sent them. I addressed his family’s to “the *** Family.” His dad called right after they got it and proceeded to tell me fiancé how disappointed and “pissed off” he was that the envelope wasn’t addressed to his liking. This led to more phone fights and my fiancé hanging up on him after sticking up for us and saying some not so nice words. His mom also got in on he action and called my fiancé to tell him that his father wanted a new invitation addressed to his liking, and an apology for the way it was addressed. Both of us find this to be ludicrous, and an unnecessary stressor when our wedding is two months away. (Side note: his dad has ALWAYS been like this, and nothing my fiancé does is ever right. He has his own issues as well.)
It is at the point that my fiancé doesn’t even want his parents at the wedding. I told him that I would support him in whatever decision he makes, but it don’t want him to regret anything. He also has four siblings that would be excluded if the parents didn’t come.
I really need some advice… Has anyone dealt with anything like this before? What in the world do I do? It’s two months before the wedding and we don’t have the extra time or energy to be dealing with this on top of the plans!!
Post # 2
Your FFIL sounds like a lunatic.
Post # 3
Agreed with PP, what a total loony! I would not want them at my wedding!
Post # 4
Yes, he is absolutely psycho. For my sanity and stress level, no, I don’t want him at the wedding. But he is my FI’s father as well… I’m not encouraging him one way or the other, it just seems like a lose-lose situation.
Does anyone have any advice on how to not let this get between us as a couple??
Post # 5
FFIL sounds like an abusive control freak. Your FI is lucky to have realized this and to have gotten out from under his thumb.<br /><br />Sometimes folks need a break from each other. It sounds like your FI is well over due for one from his family. They’ll likely come around after a little cut out time. It would be seriously sad for his family to miss the wedding, but that’s on them. **Hugs** to you and your FI.
Post # 6
Honestly if I were your FI, I would screen calls from the FILs for now. Let the calls go to voicemail, and FFIL can rant there. Then, when your FI has had a chance to sort out how he would like to respond (or not), he can do so in very short phone calls or conversations with FFIL. If he keeps the contact short, there may be fewer instances in which FFIL becomes verbally abusive. When the criticism and abuse starts, FI needs to shut it down by responding calmly, refusing to engage, and walking away.
It is unfortunate that FFIL is such a tyrant. Focus on the positive. If FFIL does attend and become unruly, have someone designated to escort him out.
Post # 7
- Wedding: Royal Park Hotel
Does his parents have any idea what an actual marriage entails?
Is everything in their life a fight and a struggle? What an awful way to live. You guys are adults. I would not bend a single inch on any of their ridiculous demands. Again – you guys are adults about to start your own lives together and your own families. No nutjobs need apply.
I would also screed calls and just ignore them. They did this to themselves.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
Mrsdal920: There is always one in the family, and unfortunately that one is your FFIL. I don’t think you need to apologize at all for addressing the invitation the way you did. I guess what you guys want to do will deem what you will do next.
Does FFIL usually cool off after a bit or is he going to hold a grudge? If he is absolutely going to hold a grudge and make your lives really difficult and stressful then you could say something like “I’m sorry you were offended, how would you like to be addressed in future instances?” instead of “I’m sorry for the way we addressed the invitation, we’ll issue a new one to you right now”, because then you are saying that you hear him but that you are still staying strong that you actually did not want to offend him (though I am sure that he would have been offended no matter what).
I would give your FI some time to cool off to figure out what he wants to do – since it is his father. I hope you are able to work it out the way you want to (not having guilt if you decide to do nothing or not bending over backwards if you decide you do want to work it out). Good luck and don’t stress about it – it sounds like FFIL is used to throwing temper tantrums and getting his way.
As for not letting it get between you as a couple … don’t talk about the situation or FFIL or do anything about it. Leave everything up to your FI. If he talks about it, let him vent. If he asks you, tell him it is his father and it is up to him how he would like to handle it.
Post # 9
These are all great ideas. I’m not sure exactly how the household runs, but I’m 100% sure that he is waited on as he is the “man of the house.” My FI is not at all like that, thank god!
I have been trying to point out to my FI that we are our own family now and that our wedding day is about us and no one else, but this is still weighing on his mind and making him miserable, which in turn makes me miserable.
I refuse to give into anything they want- so does my FI. If they seemed to care at all, I would have at least listened to their ideas, but after 10 months of planning and not one single “so how is wedding planning going” or “what can we help with” from them, they lost their right to have a say in what goes on. Am I wrong??
Post # 10
OH… And my FI’s 16 year old brother is supposed to be a groomsmen. My guess is that if the FILs don’t show, the kids won’t be able to come either…
Post # 11
By now both you and your FI must be realizing that you will not ever be able to do the right thing, because if you take action, FFIL will inevitably respond in the opposite, so decide what is best for you as a couple and totally ignore the reaction.
In my experience with a MIL who behaved in a similar way, it is NEVER, ever a good idea to apologize for anything, even if you happen to make a mistake. My MIL kept a little mental file of these moments and dragged them out whenever she felt like stirring the pot. Don’t give FFIL ammo!
My mom was Catholic and my dad’s family was Lutheran, and my dad’s father explained to her early in their marriage how the two faiths had differences and similarities. I think you solution to the religious character of your ceremony is perfect!
If you can find a neutral adult for FI to talk to, it might help him develop more realistic expectations of his father and then hopefully, better (for FI) and more comfortable ways to separate himself from the useless arguments.
Since FFIL has already been invited, just let things play out. My MIL wold often throw a tantrum before a family event, then come and behave herself appropriately. He and FMIL may show up and “play nice” or may not show up at all, but that is their problem, not yours.
If you are asked about them,stay strictly neutral and practice an unemotional “Idon’tknowyou’dhavetoaskthem” mantra to repeat until you mean it!
Best wishes for a wonderful wedding!
Post # 12
Mrsdal920: I’ve started a bunch of threads about similar issues with my now husband’s Parents- checking them out might help.
I dont understand how issues w his dad could cause a problem with you and your FI? Just know that you should never talk about your in laws worse or more frequently than your FI does because he will likely be pretty sensitive regarding them even though he badmouths them.
I don’t recommend catering to your FFIL unless your FI wants to on just one or two small things. I let my now-husband call those shots. For a while, we we’re apologetic and tried to do what his parents claimed they wanted. That time helped him see that his parents were completely unreasonable and wouldn’t be happy regardless so it emboldened him to fully stop catering to them, to demand that they treat us both right or there would be little to no contact, and for us to plan our dream wedding fully and without any concern for what they wanted.
all of my now-husband’a siblings came to the wedding although we initially thought some wouldn’t. They were all great. His mom came to the welcome party and insulted me so I didn’t talk to her again. (I didn’t tell my husband that she insulted me until days after the wedding so he could enjoy himself.) His parents both came to the ceremony. I’ve been told that his mom looked happy while his dad looked very upset. my FI said hi to his mom and that was it. He didn’t speak to his dad at all. We did pics w them. His dad insisted on holding all kinds of junk in his hands and weakng his Bluetooth in the pics. Who cares. Then his dad left before the reception and his mom stayed.
My FI was very angry at his parents and cussed them out 5 months before the wedding and one week after the wedding he’s moved on and is letting go of the anger. the overall results are amazing- we are completely free of the burden of pleasing his parents, any interaction w them is minimal and by terms we are both comfortable with, his siblings were fully supportive eventually, him and i are closer than ever and fully a team, my husband puts me and our relationship first, and we had the wedding of our dreams.
Good luck and feel free to come on here and vent Or get suggestions.
Post # 14
also- don’t assume that your FI’s siblings won’t come if his parents don’t come. My now-DH’s siblings all came and all assured us that they would come even if their parents didn’t.
Post # 15
RedHeadKel: haha… Believe me, I’ve thought about it. My parents and I have too much money invested already!