This will be long...I apoligize in advance. I even took my watch off to get comfortable while typing. lol.
My BF and I have dated for 3 years. In that 3 years a lot has happened that resulted in me not trusting him. Now, I honestly dont think he has cheated. He may have flirted with girls or talked to girls at bars while out with the guys, Idk...but I am almost sure he has never truely cheated. Lies however...he lies about everything. He lies about porn (even when I pull it up on his phone/computer and show him that he is busted..he will lie to my face)...he lies about going out. He will lie and tell me he is at his brothers when really they are out at a bar. His excuse as to why he says he feels he cant be honest is bc he thinks i'll flip but really, if he was just honest from the get go, i would feel much better. Its the lying that pisses me off. No, I dont like him going out to bars esp with certain friends of his who are wild but as long as he was completely honest, then I would feel better about it.
Onto the ex...for 3 years, little weird things have happened that made me feel like he misses his ex. Background: they dated for a few years which was like when he was around 21-24 years old (he is now 29)...they broke up for 5 years..then he fooled around with some other girl then he started dating me. From what I have been told, his ex and I have been the only girls he has brought home to his family. Ok...in our 3 years...he, as well as his family, made her out to be this horrible person, saying she cheated on him and how she was a huge bitch, etc. Well, in the 3 years, I came across a box of stuff he kept of hers, pics, love letters, stuff like that. I asked him to get rid of it and he said he would. Well...like 6 months later I was donig his laundry and found a picture of her and him in his sock drawer (on my side of the bed!) So...he lied saying he got rid of everything when really he just threw everything out except the picture and moved it to his night stand. (why not put it in the closet? is it really necessary to have it in arms reach?) ....ok so then we are out in public with some friends, having a good time, he was being affectionate toward me, kissing me had his arms around me...then she walked in the door. His total demeanor changed, he went from standing behind me with his arms around me to not standing near me and facing me. His excuse was that he didnt want to face her...ok, so lets leave, or how about move to a diff area together...dont pull away from me and act like youre ashamed to show me affection or have her know we are together. Then other situations happened...the list goes on.
So...then he gets facebook. All his family memebers who claim to hate her..all friended her. Then of course he does too. I told him that with how he is still so interested in her life I thought it was disrespectful. I mean I dont associate myself with any of my exs. So then he got a whole new fb account. He said he would friend her. So a few times in our relationship I have looked at his computer history and recently he kept looking up her profile. So that, on top of everything else...was my breaking point. So the say after valentines day, I told him I needed a break away from him and that he needed to figure out how he felt about her bc I could no longer continue feeling like he still had feelings for her and that he needed to figure it out bc he cant keep looking her up and what not. So we took a break for about a month. Almost every day he text me telling me he loved me. (Except on the days when he was out at the bar and didnt want me to know where he was, except I knew where he was bc later he admitted to it).
Oh AND...I need to mention that while were were on a "break" he went out and bought a dog without me. Something we planned on doing together. And it broke my heart! I mean it was supposed to be "our" dog, we had been looking together for a long time and planned on it...then he went and did it without me. I was so hurt....
So...also, I must admit that I did a crazy chick move to see what he was up to on this "break"...he kept claiming how he agreed we needed time away becuase he needed to figure things out. But he kept saying how he loved me and didnt want anyone else and that the time away was for him to grow up so he could be the man I needed him to be. Well...I made a fake FB account and put pics of girls on there and messaged him.
I said, "Hey, your cute, so is your puppy, are you single?"
he said: "Why thank you, yes iam, she is the new gal in my life"....
Now...why even message someone back if you arnt interested in anyone else and if you are focusing on growing up to start a life with the woman you claim to love? Hit the delete button and move on...to me, if he was so concerned about fixing us..then he shouldve hit delete and moved on. And of course I was so upset he did that, I blabbed and told him I made the account...I shouldve bit my lip and kept going with it to see what else he would say...
So a few weeks ago he wrote me this long email saying how he loved and missed me and blah blah blah. So we decided we were going to try to work on things. He has said he missed and missed all kinds of things about me. Ok...great so things felt better....so on March 28th he took me to look at rings. We had been talking about getting married and looked at houses together...before I always said I didnt think he was ready...we took a break, he came back and said he wanted to get me a ring. YAY! I was excited and thought maybe he did have some realization. We bought the ring that day and have been waiting for them to call to tell us its ready bc it had to be designed. We should get it back at the end of April.
OR MAYBE NOT... I was at his place today while he was at work and I got onto his computer to watch a show I missed last week and my curiosity got to me so I looked through his history. Not suprized about what I found....March 10th he messaged her saying is she wanted to see the puppy then to let him know and they could hang out. His history would only show me that he had fb messages and like part of a sentence...so I saw that he said, "hit me up sometime if you wanna meet up to see the puppy"....(OUR PUPPY!!!)...
So he came home today and I told him we needed to talk. I asked him what made him realise he wanted to get married to me and he said losing me. Ok..so then I brought up how I looked thorugh his history...he admitted to messaging her but when i asked to see the full message convo he said no bc he deactivated his account and it wasnt my business bc we were split up. I told him his word meant nothing bc of his past lies and that I wanted to put everything on the table and see what was said.he still said no. So we argued about how he thinks im nosey and he said he never met up with her.
So, I told him to see if he still had feelings for her. On our break I told him to clear that up and figure his shit out with her. SO its not the messaging her that hurts...its what came next. I asked if he was going to take the dog to see her and he said no and that if his ex asked, he would say he was engaged. Ok...but we arnt yet.
so he said: "if we arnt together I'm not going to see her...we werent together, thats different."
So I said: "So let me get this straight, if your with me you wont see her but if we arnt together then you will?"....he said "yes"..
UMMMMM WTF! So obviosuly he isnt over her. Weather or not I'm with him, that doesnt deterime if I see any of my exs. I am not at all interested in their lives nor do I want them im mine, single or not...I dont care to ever see my exs. AN ex is an ex for a reason.
AM I wrong? I dont even want to be with him or go through with the engagement. I told him we need to do couples therapy and he says no. So I told him I'm not saying yes until we see a counselor. He blew it off.
How does he offer to see his ex on march 10th then on march 28th (2 weeks later)....he buys me a ring?????? And what he doesnt want anything to do with her if i'm with him but when he is lonely and if i'm not with him then he does??
iam so hurt right now. i'm sure many of you will give me responses about how i was wrong in making a fb account and how i shouldnt have to check his history...but, when you are hurt so much and have little trust, its hard not to. And, I'm not the only one...so rude, caddy comments can be kept to yourself, thanks. I would rather get advice from people who have been in somewhat similar/difficult positions. Not every realationshp is perfect. I am with him becuase I love him and choose to work through our problems rather than just throw it away. So please...give me advice if you actually care and arnt just trying to say how perfect your relationship is compared to mine. I know how caddy girls on this site are and it is why I never post advice boards.
Thanks...I am so hurt...
Okay I only got so far but I know all I need to already: you need to separate from this person forever. I hope you dont think I'm being a bitch or snarky, but there's way too much drama on both sides of this relationship for it to work out in any way, shape or form. You've gone too far with the crazy chick, he's gone too far with the lying jerk... just cut your losses now, pull yourself together over time, and find someone who you can be comfortable and confident with instead of... this.
Ok I just have to get this out of my system first, i would hardly say the girls on this board are catty, what I see way more frequently is a poster getting angry when they ask for advice and then they don't hear what they expect/want.
Now that that is out of the way, my advice is to scroll up and read through what you've just written. You have made it clear that there is no trust in your relationship and that your future FI a)lies al the time and b) still has feelings for his ex girlfriend.
I think that running to get an engagement ring right after your break was probably not the best idea. if you plan to try to make this relationship work (which I wouldn't recommend, but that is bedside the point), then you need to take things slowly and make sure you are both doing things for the right reason and with clear heads.
I wish you luck with this situation, and hope you are not hurt too badly.
@KristenGotMarried: This.
Look, choosing to work through relationship problems can be admirable and worth the effort if both partners are fully on board. If they aren't, then it's just a polite name for refusing to face the facts. Your BF is not going to stop lying to you. Your whole relationship is predicated upon deceit, suspicion, and snooping. Please think seriously about the complete 180 you would both have to do to get things on track, and about whether or not that's even remotely likely. Why not just move on and find a man who loves you enough not to consistently lie to you and talk to other women behind your back?
Yeah... I'm sorry OP, but I really don't think this relationship is working. :( If you BOTH really want to make it work, you may be able to do it, but it will take a lot of effort and time from both of you before all these issues are fixed, and I'm not sure you two are up to that. Perhaps consider counselling. Please do not rush in to marriage. I personally think you should cut your losses and find someone new.
I never ask this, but seriously how old are you guys? Fake FB accounts? Snooping through his browser history? Getting engaged to fix your relationship problems?
You didn't trust him before. Why in God's name would you get engaged?!
Honestly, I don't even think it matters if he's over this girl or not at this point. You can't trust him, and I don't blame you. Normally I'd advocate counselling, but honestly this just see,s way too far gone. You need to cut your losses and find someone else who can be trusted, and hwo is proud to be with you.
I'm sorry. I don't think this will work out. It sounds like too much has happened for you to feel safe in the relationship.
I have to echo what the other bees say..and please don't take offense to them...most of the bees here are very caring and genuintly understanding and if the wanted to rip someone a new one for the poor life choices, they'd do it on Yahoo answers or something like that.
I don't see much hope for this relationship. I'd advise against engagment and marriage. It is true that marriage/engagment fixes nothing...the ring goes on but the rest stays the same....and serious problems left unresolved begin to compound.
I don't really have any advice, but I was in a relationship like yours when I was younger. I wish I had broke it off much earlier than I did, boys like this don't change. He's going to do what he wants, you're going to catch him, and then he's going to make pie in the sky promises to get you back. The only way to end the cycle is to walk away.
I'm sorry that things are so hard for you, it's such a stressful situation to be in.
I'm really sorry. I know you love him, and you want this to work out, but it's too one sided. He probably does love you, but you clearly love him more. Read over what you just wrote again, and picture someone else in your shoes, a sister, or a friend. If you had a sister or friend who just wrote that post, what would you say to her? What advice would you give. I know this is painful. But, a marriage cannot be built on lies. You said so yourself, that he lies about everything. I agree with everything you said. Why would he keep a picture of her within arm's reach? Why would he try and find ways to be with her as soon as you are out of the picture? Why did he care so much about her seeing you two together? Why did he use your puppy as an invitation to meet up with her? There are so many questions and his behavior is so very odd. You are 100% right. He is obviously not over her. And you are right to think that you guys arent ready to be engaged or married. Getting married will not solve anything and will only make matters worse.
You are not going to like what I am going to say, and I'm not trying to be catty. I'm saying this because if I had a sister going through what you are going through, I would be crying and screaming at her for doing this to herself. I would be so mad because I love her and she is worth so much more. I would want to wring her boyfriend's neck for not giving her the respect she deserves.
I know you love him and want to work things through your problems, but he needs to be willing to work through it too. He needs to admit there is a problem. Yes, you did a bad thing testing him and snooping. HOWEVER, I can't give you crap for that, because he gave you every reason to be nosey AND you always found what you were looking for. You were 100% right to not trust him. This is the issue. There is nothing wrong with your behavior. He is simply not trustworthy, and I feel like the more you snoop, the more you will find.
I don't like him. I wouldn't want anyone I care about to be with someone like him. BUT, if you really believe you can work through this and really only want advice on where to go, you guys have to somehow build up trust. He needs share more of his life with you and include you in more things. It currently sounds like you guys are together, but have separate lives. It would help out a lot if you two had more mutual friends. Maybe you can get closer with his friends. If you can get to the point where you are buddy buddy with his friends, you can be included when they go out to the bars. If his friends don't mind, your bf shouldnt mind either, unless he has something to hide. You guys can talk more about boundaries, what you you can and cannot do. Maybe you can go with him when he goes to bars. It may be a guy's night type of thing, but if he has nothing to hide, there's nothign wrong with you going with him every once in a while. As for the ex girlfriend, this one is a tough one. He needs to cut her out of his life completely, but it sounds like he is unwilling. I don't know what you can do here. Maybe you can do something extremely bold and force him to face her. I honestly don't know. Maybe there is more to the story, and you need to get it out of him.
I know my post was long. I promise I am not trying to be judgmental. I really am trying to help. I hope things work out for you.
I am so sorry you're going through this, it definitely sounds like this isn't working, he needs to get over his ex and show you he loves you, i definitely would not be getting engaged at this point! and what you were describing as your 'break' doesn't sound like splitting up to me, just sounded like taking some time away from each other, in which case he was messaging other girls, etc and asking his ex to meet up with him while you were still together. you deserve so much better!
:( I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. Honestly though, he sounds like he needs to grow up. He's a liar.. & it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. You need to do what's right for you, and that sounds like cutting ties with this person. I hope this all works out for you.
Run away, as fast as you can! This guy is bringing you down and in a few years time you'll agree that this was the wise thing to do. Nothing is going to change and even if it did, it would only be a temporary fix.
Yeah, I have to side with previous posters and say that this is not a salvagable situation. Theres's nothing healthy about your relationship and I can't see this turning into a good or healthy marriage. I would cancel that ring and go your separate ways ASAP.
I'll echo what the other bees are saying.
You don't sound happy, and I know it's hard to see when you're the one in it, but
Relationships are hard work, but they shouldn't be THAT hard and they shouldn't make you feel so anxious all the time. I was in a similar-ish situation at one point and tried SO hard to make it work...it just wasn't right in the end, and it wasn't until I was removed from it that I realized just how toxic it had been.
You really do deserve better.
I'm sorry but fake facebooks, breaking into his facebook?? how old are you guys?? marriage is def not going to "fix" you guys and its obvious that he still is in love with his ex.
You should run....far far away. wish you the best pumpkin!
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I was in a relationship similar to yours once. We had a lot of the same issues; him lying, looking for girls on FB (he left his inbox up and open on his computer one day when he wasn't expecting me to come over), flirting with other girls at bars right in front of me, etc. It turned me into that paranoid, "crazy person" like you. It was just a nightmare! And I subjected myself to it for almost 3 years. Looking back I feel completely retarded for putting up with such blatant disrespect. He did not love me! All of his actions were so clear, but I couldn't accept it. I don't know why I didn't move on other than I guess I didn't have enough respect for myself to say peace out.
The reason I'm telling you all of this is because you deserve better! Cliche, I know, but also true. A man who loves you will not lie to you, hide things from you, shy away from affection, seek out his ex, go to the bars even though he knows you hate it, etc. Staying with this man is keeping you from meeting the man of your dreams! Trust me, he's out there, but he won't find you when you're stuck in this unhealthy relationship. I know moving on is hard and scary.. it was for me too, but I eventually decided I would rather be alone forever than with a man who made me feel so crappy and undeserving of his love/respect. I never felt good enough for him to treat me well, to be honest with me, to not try to see other girls on the side.
Six months after leaving I met my now fiance and discovered what genuine love feels like. Insecurities, paranoia, doubts, feeling the need to snoop...it all goes away when you're with the right person. Please realize you are worth it.
Goodluck to you.
That whole situation bites and you really do need to run.. in the opposite direction.. quickly..
@MrsJazzy: Ditto. Those are HUGE red flags screaming get away. Pay attention to them!
I used to drive by my ex's place of employment just to make sure he was there after he cheated. He lied about almost everything and I wanted to marry him. I've been where you are. It was especially hard for me to leave as I was also pregnant. We dated on and off for near 3 years before I finally had enough. l left and it was the best decision I have ever made.
Run. I know you want to work things out, but in a situation like this, you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to make sure what he is telling you is the truth. You're going to keep going through his things and it's not going to get better.
@princesspretti24 I am old enough, dont treat me like a child. I am not the only woman on here who has snooped through fb. And like I said...I didnt want to use mariage as a "fix". If you read carefully, you will see that I am pulling away from the engagement because I dont want it to try to "fix" things!
@futuremrswitherspoon and @WonderBee Thank you for your heartfelt advice! :)
Thank you to everyone else as well!
I agree with everyone else here... run while you can!
I don't think your BF is a great guy... he is obviously very immature and does not own up to himself. I don't think you would want to get married to someone like that... please don't get engaged to him, just leave and find someone better that deserves to be with you.
Sounds like all of these "red flags" you are seeing is your intuition trying to tell you that this relationship is not right. When you are with the right person, you will not feel the need to snoop or create fake accounts or anything else like that. Relationships are built on trust, and if that is missing, the relationship cannot be strong. I would listen to what your inner voice is trying to tell you, and move on.
It really seems like a no win situation. Do you really want a man that would make you that crazy and this is before getting married. What will your relationship be like in 5 years? Or if you guys hit hard times? This phase should be the good times. I can't imagine you guys making it through tough times.
Umm, yeah. He's no good. Get out. That's what everyone else has said anyway so I'm just repeating it. He fools you once shame on him. He fools you twice, shame on you. He's fooled you a million times now and you just keep going through the same pattern and you keep going through it and going through it... Well, just realize that you're stuck in it, he's a compulsive liar and has some serious issues, and you don't have a happy future with this man. Get over the infatuation you have with him (because it can't possibly be real mature love... you'll realize when you finally have that with someone, I can tell from what you're writing that this is not it). Just go meet up with a counselor if you need someone to give you the confidence to separate from him and be independent. You don't need him, he's only a burden and will only make you miserable.
I would have to agree with the other bees.I was also in a relationship like this in the past. My ex could not be trusted, he also had feelings for his ex and he cheated throughout the relationship. I met my best friend, who is now my b/f of 4 yrs and he couldn't deal with our friendship; which at the time was completely plutonic. He proposed for all of the wrong reasons, as I see that your b/f has also done. he engagement was brutal, the relationship went downhill FAST! I wasted 8 yrs of my life with him and wish that I had realized all of this MUCH sooner! If you do not have trust in a relationship; you dont have a relationship period.
I moved on to a relationship that makes me happy. Once you've been in a bad relationship, you'll be more inclined to notice how good one is when it comes around. Be strong!
I'm not being catty or snarky at all in saying you need to move on. There is no trust here. If you can't trust him now, you probably never will. You will eventually find someone that you won't have to question whether or not you are able to trust. I wish you luck.
I didn't need to read much further than "He lies about everything." Done. Over. I'm not sure why you've continued to stay with him considering his lies, but just get out now and for the love of all that is holy, don't accept a ring.
I have to agree with PPs...this relationship seems pretty toxic. I know it is easier said than done to leave someone - although you have done it once so I have hope that it may be easier for you this time around. But if you decide you want to try to work it out (not saying that would be the wisest choice, but you wouldn't be the first girl to have trouble ending a serious relationship), I think you are absolutely right to not say yes to marriage until you go to counseling.
@MissTeachy: i believe this is the first time I'm actually responding to a non-wedding-related post and it's because I was EXACTLY where you are once. In fact, I was in it for a good 5 years, so I can feel exactly what you're going through. There were all these red flags. He showed he was obviously not interested and that I was more his "backup plan" than "the one". I trusted him with all my heart in the beginning until one day, when I just happened to come across something he had been hiding all along, and overnight, I turned into this crazy girl, snooping around any chance I got. But even after knowing he was hiding and lying to my face, I couldn't let go. I think when you love someone very deeply, you really want every opportunity to look past flaws, work through them and start new. At least, that was how I felt. And when you've been with someone for so long, you get used to him, which makes it even harder to let go. I finally made the difficult decision to end things. It was probably one of the hardest things i had done because on one hand, I truly loved him and couldn't picture my life without him. On the other, i couldn't stand being lied to anymore, and the snooping around was getting out of hand...and it became clear to me that even if we got married, I'd be snooping the rest of my life.
A few months after the breakup, I went into a relationship with my best friend (whom I've known since middle school). A person who has loved me for as long as I can remember. And I'm getting married to him this year. All I can say is, leaving my ex might have been one of the toughest things I ever did, but it sure is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found everything I ever wanted in a man and more in a best friend I've known almost all my life...and if it weren't for the breakup, I would have never realized how much I could truly be loved.
Please don't make that same mistake I made of staying longer than I needed to in an obviously bad relationship. You deserve better. And an amazing guy out there deserves that love that you're able to give, more so than your bf does.
I read the whole thing, but don't have time to read the responses yet.... But it was bad enough with the 3 years of lying, but with the ex too.. I have no idea how you have managed to stay ina relationship with him. Run and don't look back!
@WYAtocha: this, exactly. I was thinking as I read that you are "the backup girl", the "safetynet"
to the OP, good for you already questioning & pullng away. Trust your gut and take strengh from all the women here, supporting your instincts.
If he's turned you into Miss Paranoid then whatever he truly feels for you, he's not right for you. The lying to avoid arguments....he's a baby. You need a grown up. Someone out there will make you feel good about your relationship.
I really don't need to say anything more than what the other bees said. This is a toxic, unhealthy, immature and needlessly dramatic (from both sides) relationship.
So not worth it, and not at all what you should expect or settle for in a relationship.
Time to move on. Get to a healthy place where you can look back and truly see this relationship as it is, and be aware of your choices and actions in this relationship, before dating or I expect you will just repeat a similar relationship.
A tip - if you are in a relationship where you are thinking "if only he would change this" or "if only this (like the trust issue) were different" he is not the guy or it is not the relationship for you.
I wish I could hug you in person. I'm sorry!
That said, here's the tough love. Any relationship where you bring out the "crazy chick" is not a relationship. There is no trust, and you know this. Do you want to be in a marriage where you are constantly looking over your shoulder?
One last tough question to ask yourself: you said, "I am with him becuase I love him and choose to work through our problems rather than just throw it away." How much of it is love, and how much of it is fear? And how do you know the person you 'love' is really the person that's there, especially with everything that's going on?
I wish you the best.
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