Future FI stuck on his ex (long)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Member
4982 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Okay I only got so far but I know all I need to already:  you need to separate from this person forever.  I hope you dont think I’m being a bitch or snarky, but there’s way too much drama on both sides of this relationship for it to work out in any way, shape or form.  You’ve gone too far with the crazy chick, he’s gone too far with the lying jerk… just cut your losses now, pull yourself together over time, and find someone who you can be comfortable and confident with instead of… this.

Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok I just have to get this out of my system first, i would hardly say the girls on this board are catty, what I see way more frequently is a poster getting angry when they ask for advice and then they don’t hear what they expect/want.

Now that that is out of the way, my advice is to scroll up and read through what you’ve just written. You have made it clear that there is no trust in your relationship and that your future FI a)lies al the time and b) still has feelings for his ex girlfriend.

I think that running to get an engagement ring right after your break was probably not the best idea. if you plan to try to make this relationship work (which I wouldn’t recommend, but that is bedside the point), then you need to take things slowly and make sure you are both doing things for the right reason and with clear heads.

I wish you luck with this situation, and hope you are not hurt too badly.

Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@KristenGotMarried: This.

Look, choosing to work through relationship problems can be admirable and worth the effort if both partners are fully on board. If they aren’t, then it’s just a polite name for refusing to face the facts. Your BF is not going to stop lying to you. Your whole relationship is predicated upon deceit, suspicion, and snooping. Please think seriously about the complete 180 you would both have to do to get things on track, and about whether or not that’s even remotely likely. Why not just move on and find a man who loves you enough not to consistently lie to you and talk to other women behind your back?

 

Member
5730 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Yeah… I’m sorry OP, but I really don’t think this relationship is working. :( If you BOTH really want to make it work, you may be able to do it, but it will take a lot of effort and time from both of you before all these issues are fixed, and I’m not sure you two are up to that. Perhaps consider counselling. Please do not rush in to marriage. I personally think you should cut your losses and find someone new.

Member
2174 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I never ask this, but seriously how old are you guys? Fake FB accounts? Snooping through his browser history? Getting engaged to fix your relationship problems?

You didn’t trust him before. Why in God’s name would you get engaged?!

Honestly, I don’t even think it matters if he’s over this girl or not at this point. You can’t trust him, and I don’t blame you. Normally I’d advocate counselling, but honestly this just see,s way too far gone. You need to cut your losses and find someone else who can be trusted, and hwo is proud to be with you.

Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry. I don’t think this will work out. It sounds like too much has happened for you to feel safe in the relationship. 

Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have to echo what the other bees say..and please don’t take offense to them…most of the bees here are very caring and genuintly understanding and if the wanted to rip someone a new one for the poor life choices, they’d do it on Yahoo answers or something like that.

I don’t see much hope for this relationship. I’d advise against engagment and marriage. It is true that marriage/engagment fixes nothing…the ring goes on but the rest stays the same….and serious problems left unresolved begin to compound.

 

Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t really have any advice, but I was in a relationship like yours when I was younger. I wish I had broke it off much earlier than I did, boys like this don’t change. He’s going to do what he wants, you’re going to catch him, and then he’s going to make pie in the sky promises to get you back. The only way to end the cycle is to walk away.

I’m sorry that things are so hard for you, it’s such a stressful situation to be in.

Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m really sorry.  I know you love him, and you want this to work out, but it’s too one sided.  He probably does love you, but you clearly love him more.  Read over what you just wrote again, and picture someone else in your shoes, a sister, or a friend.  If you had a sister or friend who just wrote that post, what would you say to her? What advice would you give.  I know this is painful.  But, a marriage cannot be built on lies.  You said so yourself, that he lies about everything.  I agree with everything you said.  Why would he keep a picture of her within arm’s reach?  Why would he try and find ways to be with her as soon as you are out of the picture?  Why did he care so much about her seeing you two together?  Why did he use your puppy as an invitation to meet up with her?  There are so many questions and his behavior is so very odd.  You are 100% right.  He is obviously not over her.  And you are right to think that you guys arent ready to be engaged or married.  Getting married will not solve anything and will only make matters worse.

You are not going to like what I am going to say, and I’m not trying to be catty.  I’m saying this because if I had a sister going through what you are going through, I would be crying and screaming at her for doing this to herself.  I would be so mad because I love her and she is worth so much more.  I would want to wring her boyfriend’s neck for not giving her the respect she deserves.  

I know you love him and want to work things through your problems, but he needs to be willing to work through it too.  He needs to admit there is a problem.  Yes, you did a bad thing testing him and snooping.  HOWEVER, I can’t give you crap for that, because he gave you every reason to be nosey AND you always found what you were looking for.  You were 100% right to not trust him.  This is the issue.  There is nothing wrong with your behavior.  He is simply not trustworthy, and I feel like the more you snoop, the more you will find.  

I don’t like him.  I wouldn’t want anyone I care about to be with someone like him.  BUT, if you really believe you can work through this and really only want advice on where to go, you guys have to somehow build up trust.  He needs share more of his life with you and include you in more things.  It currently sounds like you guys are together, but have separate lives.  It would help out a lot if you two had more mutual friends.  Maybe you can get closer with his friends.  If you can get to the point where you are buddy buddy with his friends, you can be included when they go out to the bars.  If his friends don’t mind, your bf shouldnt mind either, unless he has something to hide.  You guys can talk more about boundaries, what you you can and cannot do.  Maybe you can go with him when he goes to bars.  It may be a guy’s night type of thing, but if he has nothing to hide, there’s nothign wrong with you going with him every once in a while.   As for the ex girlfriend, this one is a tough one.  He needs to cut her out of his life completely, but it sounds like he is unwilling.  I don’t know what you can do here.  Maybe you can do something extremely bold and force him to face her.  I honestly don’t know.  Maybe there is more to the story, and you need to get it out of him.  

I know my post was long.  I promise I am not trying to be judgmental.  I really am trying to help.  I hope things work out for you.

Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2017

I am so sorry you’re going through this, it definitely sounds like this isn’t working, he needs to get over his ex and show you he loves you, i definitely would not be getting engaged at this point! and what you were describing as your ‘break’ doesn’t sound like splitting up to me, just sounded like taking some time away from each other, in which case he was messaging other girls, etc and asking his ex to meet up with him while you were still together. you deserve so much better!

Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

:( I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. Honestly though, he sounds like he needs to grow up. He’s a liar.. & it seems like he doesn’t know what he wants. You need to do what’s right for you, and that sounds like cutting ties with this person. I hope this all works out for you.

Member
85 posts
Worker bee

Run away, as fast as you can! This guy is bringing you down and in a few years time you’ll agree that this was the wise thing to do. Nothing is going to change and even if it did, it would only be a temporary fix. 

Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah, I have to side with previous posters and say that this is not a salvagable situation. Theres’s nothing healthy about your relationship and I can’t see this turning into a good or healthy marriage. I would cancel that ring and go your separate ways ASAP. 

Member
73 posts
Worker bee

I’ll echo what the other bees are saying.

You don’t sound happy, and I know it’s hard to see when you’re the one in it, but

Relationships are hard work, but they shouldn’t be THAT hard and they shouldn’t make you feel so anxious all the time. I was in a similar-ish situation at one point and tried SO hard to make it work…it just wasn’t right in the end, and it wasn’t until I was removed from it that I realized just how toxic it had been.

You really do deserve better.

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