Post # 1
My soon-to-be dearly beloved would like 12 groomsmen (3 best men and 9 groomsmen to be exact.) I feel this is ridiculous. I was planning on not having a wedding party and just having us. It would save a lot of money! I have been in numerous weddings and the cost for a dress (I will never wear again) and shoes (I will never wear again), plus alterations has been over $500. I feel it is rude to do this to a girlfriend I love and secretly vowed never to do it. He is insisting and has already begun asking his men. Now, do I: ask 12 girlfriends and do what I never thought I would do? Ask 6 and pay for their dresses, shoes, purse, hair, make-up, bridesmaid gift, luncheon? Ask no girls and just have the men? Would it be totally odd to have just the groomsmen and no bridesmaids? Plus, I do not want a rehersal dinner the night before and many people are coming from diffferent states. Thank you for your advice!
Post # 3
I think it’s important to figure out why he wants these 12 groomsmen. How big of a wedding will it be? Will he have any friends there that aren’t groomsmen? 🙂
But I think there are many ways of dealing with this. One is to have unofficial bridesmaids – no dresses no shoes and no luncheon, but maybe a corsage for each and have them partner the groomsmen or not and just have them in pictures or just have them hang out with you.
He is being a little bit ugh by asking the guys before the two of you come to an agreement. If you stay firm that you don’t want bridemaids is he planning to ask them/direct them to walk down the aisle alone? That’d be pretty funny but he better be sure he’s okay with that… I’m all for nontraditional but I’m not sure there’s a way to have that not look weird. However, I also think he’ll figure that out and won’t ask them to walk down the aisle alone, all twelve of them. Maybe he’ll end up asking them to be groomsmen but not walk down the aisle or some other compromise.
The two of you really can’t force each other to do anything when it comes to the wedding party – it just won’t work – so you have to come to an agreement/compromise.
Probably what is important to him is acknoledging the importance of these men in his life. What is important to you is avoiding the fuss and expense of bridesmaids (right on! I’m not having any either). I think there are ways to accomodate both desires but there has to be a willingness to discuss and compromise.
Post # 4
I think he should work it out with you before he asks them! That’s a bit… (can I say pig-headed? Sorry!) of him. I hope you can reach a resolution!
I would either continue your plan to have no bridemaids and let him start to sweat (or not) about having a whole row of guys up there with no girls – but only if you could cope with that :)]
Or – are you okay with mismatched bridesmaids? Could you tell your girls (however many you want – I don’t think it has to be 12) to pick a dress they love in say cornflower blue, set a length, and let them go for it? Then your girls don’t have to spend oodles of money on a dress they’ll never wear again etc, but you still get them by your side (I bet they’d be honoured, too).
Post # 5
12? really? 12? wow. i thought my FH was bad with his 9.
i only wanted 3. i talked him down to 7 and i went up to 5. still more than i would have liked but oh well. By the way he realizes that now hes gonna have to pay for flowers, presents etc for all these guys… he didnt figure that into the equasion before.
first of allthough i would sit down with FH and let him know that no its not cool that hes already asking guys when yall havent discussed the number – really you have to think about the size of your wedding, budget, etc, before you pick a number.
what is his reasoning behind wanting so many? because he was in theirs? because he doesnt want to hurt feelings?
break it down by cost how much each groomsman costs, explain to him how you feel about that, break it down to how many bridesmaids you want as well and break down that cost.
realize that his parents will have to fork up the $$ for all 12 bridal party members and their dates for a rehearsal dinner…
but honestly i would put a veto on the asking guys until yall decide on a number.
is it possible to get him to cut that down to just the guys he wanted as “best men” and get the other 9 random jobs like ushers and escort dudes? having 3 bridesmaids is much less expensive if you are planning on paying for their stuff.
also keep in mind no bridesmaid goes into a wedding thinking the bride will pay for her dress, etc. so its not expected?
Post # 6
Yikes… thats a lot of groomsmen. I agree that he should have waited to ask them until you two had settled it together. If it was me, I’d tell him that either there will be 12 groomsmen and no bridesmaids which truthfully I think would look a little odd OR if he wants it to be even, have his 3 best men, choose 3 bridesmaids, and find some other roles for the other men – usher, readers, etc.
Post # 8
Why does he want 12? Does he realize that he can still hang out with these guys/ do any and all guy related wedding stuff with them even if they aren’t groomsmen? Maybe he could have just the 3 that he wants as best men. That’s much more standard…
Post # 9
Very often, guys have comically mistaken ideas about weddings after seeing something once and assuming its the standard. For example, my Fiance thought only Groomsmen could go to bachelor party. Maybe yours thinks the same?
I think it is also VERY important to reach an understanding about making these decisions TOGETHER. Neither you nor him should be making decisions alone. Maybe he can choose who his Groomsmen are, but you need to agree on the number together.
In My Humble Opinion, 12 is excessive, especially if you don’t want this. 3 best men also feels like too much. How is it even special to be best man if there’s 3 of you?
Post # 10
Why not ask your friends to stand up with you but wear whatever dress they want. We’re just getting sandwiches for lunch, so that’s not too expensive. Maybe one of your friends can make hair look pretty and perhaps your girls are okay with doing their own makeup? I still wouldn’t have more than a few girls – maybe your Fiance hasn’t asked more than a few guys yet.
Post # 11
12 is insane! How big is your wedding? If you are having a smaller wedding, 12 people up there would look ridiculous in my opinion. I would ask him why he wants that many. Does he have a bunch of friends that mean a lot to him? Is there any way that he could get them to do something else instead of being a groomsman?
Post # 12
Thank you “Bees” for your advice. He wants 12 because he has been in 10+ weddings and wants to have those men in his wedding and because they do mean a lot to him. At the same time, he is leaving some men out and if I were one of them, I would be hurt that I didn’t make the “top twelve.” I have said that just because your friends may have had a lot of people in their weddings does not mean that you have to copy them and do the same. He is in his 40’s and is standing very firm on this. We discussed it before we got engaged, after we got engaged, and now as planing for the wedding. I have brought it up every once in a while just to see if the number will decrease. He admits the men will have no “jobs” there and they will not walk down the isle nor stand up with him/us. He said they can sit in the front. He is also requesting they wear tux’s.The wedding will be approximately 200 guests. Good idea to have my friends wear whatever they want and I have thought about that — but that opens the door for the rehersal dinner of 24 bridal party people, plus 24 spouses/sig. others, etc. and for my getting them gifts. His mother would like to pay for a rehersal dinner, but we would both rather put the money towards a longer reception time or breakfast for all guests staying over. One of my friends said if he wants to have all these men and is really “getting into” the wedding, then let him do this. Isn’t it amazing how much time and worry and planning goes into a wedding day?
Post # 13
Your husband is being a bit unreasonable. If he is absolutely, dead-set on having 12, could you have 6 stand on each side and have them all wear suits instead of tuxes.
Could he perhaps ask these men if they even want to do this? Just a “if you want, I’d like you there as a groomsman, but if you’d rather just be a guest, that’s cool too” sort of thing. This might reduce the party and any gents who don’t really want to be a part but still want to be there won’t be pressured to accept.
Post # 14
I thought it was bad when Fiance wanted 7 and I would have been happy with my sister and niece!
Now we have 6 on each side. It was one of the few things that Fiance really wanted so I went with it. It’s pricier than it would have been with just a couple on either side but there was so little that he really wanted in the planning process that I was happy to go along with it. And now I am really excited to have my girls with me on the day…even if they’re all wearing the same color…. :0)
I agree with previous posters who suggest talking to him about a compromise. Depending on the size of the wedding 12 groomsmen will look really out of place – how about 6 groomsmen and 6 ushers? Good luck whatever you decide – it will all work out!
Post # 15
12 is a huge number and I can’t believe that he just dismissed your feelings for the most part. Couldn’t you come to a compromise of say 3 or 6 at the most?
I don’t personally don’t see the problem with the dresses.Just don’t pick a $200 dress, their are a lot of beautiful dress out there below $200 dollars. And also just pick a color of shoe and let them get ones that they want (like white, black, ivory, silver, etc). $500 is ridiculous to be a bridesmaid. If you want them to get hair, nails, make up done professionally then yes it’s on your tab but otherwise they should know coming into this that it is their responsibility.
I HIGHLY recommend a rehearsal. Trust me on this. I’m a dj my fiance and I ended up having to coordinate the bridal party 10minutes before they were supposed to go down the aisle. The wedding actually started 30 minutes late because no one knew their cue song to start walking. It was a complete mess and the bridal party was pissed about it, as was the DOC. So we had to play the mom’s song to walk out to 3 times (which the bride came to us 20 minutes beforehand going “I decided to let the moms walk. Pick a song that will fit) and have dead air (BIG NO NO!) while my fiance had to go down there and get the DOC off her butt and start directing and tell the moms who’d been standing outside for 30minutes not having a dang clue what was going on. So the 4:00 wedding turned into a 4:30 wedding. Not rehearsing is asking for trouble and a good way to get you, your bridal party and all your vendors pissed off.
Post # 16
You should both comprimise. Would he be able to cut it down to the three who he wanted to be his best men (btw, what in the world are you going to do with three best men)? Or maybe he could just have two groomsmen and ask one guy to be the officiant.