Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
My fiance comes from a family of gossipers. His entire family gossips something horrible, a moutain is made out of mole hill kind of thing. The only person I really got along with was his mom and she passed away a few months ago. Which brings me to my vent.
So a year or so ago we (FI and I) were in desperate need of a new lawn mower. So his dad offered to let us put a new one from Home Depot (or where ever we got it from, can’t remember now) on his Home Depot credit card and we would pay the monthly payments. We were very greatful and paid on time every month. Except every month when the bill would come his dad would call us and complain for an hour about how our payment was late and we were ruining his credit. We explained every month that it was the statement saying the bill was due on X date and the payment was not late if we paid on X date only if we paid after X date. One month his dad got off the phone with us only to call FI brother and aunt and even a cousin to tell them that we never paid our payments on time and his credit was going bad because of it. Couldn’t be further from the truth.
So several months ago FI mom passes (his father and mother were divorced). We get life insurance money, inheritance etc and decide we’re paying off the rest of the money we owe for the lawn mower. A couple months after his mom passed we were at a family function and his aunt was asking me questions about my job. I mentioned that FI and I were tossing the idea of me going back to school to get my BSN in Nursing. Then she proceeds to ask me about the wedding planning etc and I mention nothing set in stone yet because of what happened with his mom. (Since then we have set a date). About a week later FI brother calls us and says “The rumor mill is turning again” but didn’t say much else. A day or two after that we get a call from FI dad YELLING at him that he’s marrying a gold digger. That he heard I’d convinced FI to pay for my student loans (past) and to pay for my BSN (I’m not even enrolled yet, nor do I know if I will). That he also can’t believe we’d throw away the life insurance on an extravagant wedding (we both come from big families and were planning on about 250-300 guests which is significantly less than the 500 we would be inviting if we invited ALL family and friends). Then FIL proceeds to tell FI that if we’re going to be reckless with money he won’t give us anything when he passes and it will all go to his brother.
Just today at lunch my FI brought up another rumor that has been going around about us. And I know that his family isn’t just targeting us, they spread gossip about everyone in the family.
I’m to the point where I don’t want to invite ANY of his family. I’m not talking to many of them right now because 1. I’m mad that stories have been made up about us. 2. That if there is any issue between someone and my FI and I that its not kept between any of us that everyone spreads rumors. Plus I don’t trust any of them now. (Other than FI brother who has yet to gossip).
I’m at a loss. I’ve tried to confront people and either I get “Oh well I must have mis-interpretted what was said” or I get backlash that I’m trying to start drama. What would you guys do?
(Edit) I should explain that I’m still paying on my current student loans not that FI paid for them in the past. Also that FI and I are paying for the wedding and were not intending on using ANY money from his mom’s life insurance.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I have a Great Aunt that likes to make things up about family members and then tell everyone her “gossip” at parties. I generally just make sure that the important people know that isn’t true. I honestly don’t even bothering trying to talk to her, but I do make sure my Grandmother knows it isn’t true (and she’ll usually talk to her sister, my Great Aunt about it afterward).
Luckily I haven’t had to deal with an ENTIRE family that makes things up, just the one Great Aunt. All I know is that if you don’t invite his family, the rumor mill will get even worse. Hopefully someone who has had to deal with a similar situation will be able to help out better. I’d say to talk to the person who you told the information to and ask how it turned into what it did. But you said you’ve done that in the past and it hasn’t helped.
Post # 4
WOW! Thats horrible. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My future in-laws like to gossip to a point, they never make things up about other people though, just discuss things going on with other people. Sometimes that gets annoying, I love his family, all super sweet, but I don’t want to hear about so and so.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
Thanks guys. I do feel better after venting in a post. Last night FI and I talked about it and we’re going to figure out what to do together. I explained that I know they gossip and spread rumors about everyone, they’ve talked about my friend (girl who set me and my FI up who also is FI cousin) to my face and I was appalled when they know she’s one of my best friends and their family member. I shouldn’t feel targeted or anything but I’ve tried hard to have their family like me from the beginning. I wanted their approval and I feel that they don’t approve of me or like me if they would spread lies.
I’m marrying my FI and I know he’s not like them. We’ll just have to get through this together.
Post # 6
That sounds like a horrible situation! I would say you should include his family despite the ill feelings, to show you aren’t a gold digger trying to get them out of his life. Make it clear to his dad that no money from his ex wife will be used for the wedding (even though it’s none of his business) and explain you can see his concern but it’s just not the case. I feel if you simply cut them out, it will be hurtful to your fiance and will further spread these horrible rumors. Although, you don’t need to explain your finances to anyone, not tackling the issues head on and in a productive way may be detrimental. Try and remain positive and kill with kindness. You don’t need to suck up (and you shouldn’t) but not backing down and being positibe will dispel the rumors faster than you may think.
I hope things work out! and im sure in the end they will. Good luck 🙂
Post # 7
Well if this venting doesn’t sound anymore like my FIL! I know exactly how you feel. It is very stressing when trying to decide on how to invite. I don’t want to invite my FI Father and Sister, They simply have not wished either of us well and have asked him several times if he is making the right decision! It is very Hurtful. Why would you want someone at your wedding that just makes up rumors and it very hateful! Good luck with every thing and everyone. I hope you have a wonderful wedding despite the rumors!
Post # 8
My FFIL thinks I’m a gold digger. Which is laughable, because FI is a Carer and will never be rich, and doesn’t have any inheritance, etc!
He thinks it because I had a nervous breakdown last year and didn’t work for 9 months. FI wasn’t even living with me then, and I paid all my own bills, rent, etc. FI would help out with food money when he came up to visit. That was it.
My mother comes from a family of insane gossipers….exactly the same as your situation, they take a fact and blow it out of all proportion. I cut them out of my life 20 years ago. I’d suggest you do the same, and let your FI deal with them. They aren’t your responsibility.
@Jben0813: My FFIL asked my FI if he ‘actually loved me’…when we’d been engaged for over a year. And now FI wonders why I dislike the man intensely.
Post # 9
That’s difficult. How does your FI feel about it? I’m not sure if you’re serious about not inviting them to the wedding, but that would be pretty damaging to the relationship. If it were me, I would just try to limit my contact with them to small talk but not cut them out of my life.
Post # 10
@NurseMandie: I would be polite, but refuse to discuss anything. If they have nothing to discuss they cannot gossip. Get married, live your own life. Have a lovely wedding.