Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been discussing an engagement, and have even chosen a ring. We’re both college students, and our families are very important to us. My parents and family are completely supportive of an engagement in the near future, and we thought his family was too until tonight. SO is at his parents’ house for the weekend, and at their family dinner tonight, the conversation turned to me. His parents said he should treat finding a wife like buying a horse, and they were worried that my weight (I’m a size 12) was an indication that I would introduce health problems into their family genes. They followed this by suggesting that he go after an ex of his because “she seems like a better genetic match”. Ummmm, what? Then they told him he didn’t have to worry, because he still has a few years to find someone better. Am I crazy for being upset? I have no idea what to do right now. Should I say something? I don’t want to start a fight, but I also want to make it clear that I want to be treated with the respect I think any human being deserves, ESPECIALLY when I’m going to become part of their family.
Post # 3
Wow is all I can say. You have ever right to be mad. Did he not stand up for you??? He can’t control how they act or how they feel but he can choose to stand up for you and what he wants (which I hope is you if he’s talking engagement).
Post # 4
Are these people for real? Your boyfriend needs to shut that down. Note: not YOU. HE needs to be the one to set up and maintain boundaries regarding how his family can talk about you. if you do it, you’ll just make yourself into the enemy.
Post # 5
@Mrs_Hammer: They’re crazy. You have the right to be upset but honestly try to laugh them off, they’re so obviously nuts.
The only thing that would upset me in this scenario is if the dude did not play defense. Did they say this to your face or just to him? It’s OK if he was so stunned by the inappropriate, heartless nature of the comment that he didn’t say anything, but you guys need to be on the same page about future incidents.
If it were me I’d be having a talk with my FH to make sure he doesn’t feel the same as they do and that he agrees that they’re being shitty and it is not an acceptable way for them to talk about me. Given that agreement, I’d make sure we were also agreed that he would remind of them of this if they tried to say something like that again, and be stern if he had to.
My warning to you: If he will not put your feelings above his family’s feelings, DO NOT MARRY HIM. A wife always comes first. He needs to show that that’s where he puts you, if he wants to marry you. First.
Post # 6
Wow.. I am sorry you are possibly going to have to marry in to that family!
Post # 7
@Mrs_Hammer: I agree with all the PP. I would feel very disrespected! Better to communicate what’s bothering you now than sweep it under the rug. How awkward, I am so sorry you are going through this.
Post # 8
Were you at the dinner and did you hear them say this first hand or has the meaning of the conversation been relayed to you?
Post # 9
@Bebealways: I am in a different state (we’re long distance currently) so they just said it to him. He was so in shock that by the time he said something to them, he could barely get the words out he was so angry. We’re talking right now, and I’ve never seen him this angry. Neither one of us are sure how to start the conversation at this point.
Post # 10
@Mrs_Hammer: Gosh. I have no words other than to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope your husband can make his parents see the error of their ways!
Post # 11
@Mrs_Hammer: Good. As long as he’s angry alongside you, that’s all that really matters. If they’re going to be awful, they’re going to be awful, stay focused on how he handles it. As long as he defends you and not them, and doesn’t defer to them or nod and smile just to please them, everything is fine. He sounds like my FH, who is always willing to piss off his family if he has to for me/us haha. (It doesn’t happen much, but he’s always willing.)
Don’t let them get you down. If your SO is on your side, zone in on that. THEY’RE the outliers, the weird ones, their opinions are irrelevant and unimportant.
You guys don’t have to address this with them now if you don’t want to. In fact I’d almost advise just this once taking the high road and just ignoring it and acting like it never happened, while agreeing on how he will respond (firmly, angrily if needbe) if they’re so rude as to say something like that again.
Post # 12
@Mrs_Hammer: It sounds like he tried to stand up for you but was in shock. So long as he stands up for you (and it sounds like he will), you’ll be alright.
But really, what a**holes.
One other thing… are you of a different country of origin? Because it almost sounds like a racist thing. Otherwise, I’ve noticed that some mothers develop a weird attachment to their sons’ exes, and hopefully if he shuts them down enough times they’ll drop it.
Post # 13
Wow. I can not believe someone would say that?!
Post # 14
@paula1248: We grew up in different parts of the US, but no cultural or religious differences. I’m just confused about the whole thing.
Post # 15
Woah. That is so bizarre and frightening.
My take is that you don’t have to do anything; they are the ones who should be apologizing.
If you or your SO want to have that conversation, he could say something like, “The other night you compared looking for a wife to buying a horse, and criticized my girlfriend’s genes and appearance. That is not an attitude I share, understand or accept.”
Post # 16
I think it would be hilarious if you inserted “neighhh” (the sound a horse makes) into as many sentences as you can when you speak to them, à la Super Troopers and the word meow.
Please try it at least once?