- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Wow. It sounds like they are out to get you, big time. What was your FI saying during all of this? Was he sticking up for you? What does he say about their attitudes?
maggiesottero-fiorellagown.jpg (36.5 KB, 171 downloads) 1 year old 
I think you and your FH need to get into counseling stat to figure out how to deal with this. Do you have a spiritual advisor? Someone his family respects that they might listen to? Figure out how to present a united front and then move forward.
You also need to really hash this out with your FH, hopefully in counseling. Why did he let them speak to you that way? Did he agree that you should apologize if they wont give you the same courtesy?
And for you, a lesson learned here: dont lie. These are obviously some strong minded people and you are going to have to learn how to handle them. I would suggest some assertiveness classes (seriously. You are too nice. I would have absolutely said no to a flower girl dress I didn't like. There's always way to respectfully disagree with people, in any situation).
I will keep this short and sweet. It is unfortunate that you have to start a marriage this way but YES it will survive. One of the things my Mother has told me is that you are marrying your FI and not his family. Most families have some kind of drama you just can't let it effect your relationship with your FI. My parents are married 28 years and counting and both of their families had issues with them marrying each other. To this day my Mom sometimes doesn't get the respect she deserves from my Dad's family. It's going to be hard at first but "brush it all off"! Take care of you and your family that you have just created!
It will all work out in the end. Good luck and keep your head up!
That's really tough - I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this! :-(
When it comes to family and drama, I don't know if there's a lot to you can do other than be the bigger person. Maybe their insecurities have been triggered by having someone new come into the family, and they are lashing out at you?
Whether or not that's true, I would just repeat that to myself over and over... that they are not themselves, and are acting out because of insecurity/jealousy/temporary-insanity. That way, someday when they come around... the path is open to moving past this.
Good luck!!
First of all, I am so sorry. That sounds miserable and I can't imagine how it must feel to not only be attacked but have your character be questioned or I guess more accused. Stealing? What? That doesn't even make sense. What is your FI saying about the situation?
I've been having some in law issues as well lately, and it just sucks. All I can say is that you are marrying your FI, not the family. It is so important especially in light of the situation to create boundaries. You two are getting married and they need accept that. They don't get to choose him and ignore/attack you. I'd say communicate how you are feeling to your FI and see where he is at. But remember if you need to vent it may be better to do it hear or with a friend. It still is his family and he may get defensive. I've learned to voice what my concern and feelings are, but if I really need to just talk I have a few girlfriend that I really trust with what is going on. Also, I'm not sure if this is an option but maybe seeing a counselor can help. We are doing premarital counseling and it is kind of nice to have another perspective.
dress_3.jpg (60.7 KB, 45 downloads) 1 year old dress.jpg (80.5 KB, 43 downloads) 1 year old 
I don't have anything else to add to what others have already said, encourage counseling, etc. I can only say I'm so sorry yo're going thruogh this. :(
08.jpg (117 KB, 24 downloads) 1 year old 
I think they'll come around eventually. For now, have you tried just going out with the sisters? Having everyone there could be an issue. I think if you show the sisters how much you truly do care about your FI and how you'd go to the ends of the earth for him, they'll come around. I know if I didn't like my brother's FI and she sat me down and said, don't worry, I'll take good care of him, my feelings would change.
All I know is I couldn't stand to be standing up there with them knowing they didn't like me.
Good luck and big HUGS from the bees!
Wow, I am sorry that you are going through this. It does sound like these women in his family are strong minded, dominant, and obviously are taking that one situation at the dress shop and using that as the catalyst for all their other uncertainties about the wedding. It is funny they want honesty but can't handle it, especially when they don't get their way, they get pissed and try to get everyone against you, even his mom! They sound very immature on top of all this. Like another poster said you and fiance need to have an united front and understanding about this whole situation and you are marrying him not his family. I don't come from the greatest family and my fiance wouldn't let that get in the way of our wedding or future, because his family members are not getting married, you and your fiance are, and if that means your wedding is 4 people or 200 people family or not I would get married to my man. Don't let their drama get in the way of your love and marriage for you fiance, then they would just get their way.
I'm sorry this happened right before your wedding...
but with time, I think they will realize how immature they handled this situation. You've been graceful so far, I don't think you need to try any harder. I think you can one day win over them with your kindness and love for your FI.
I think the key is how your fiance is reacting to all this. You mentioned he didn't want his sister in your wedding, so it sounds like he's standing up for you. If he's taking your side and seeing through his family's manipulation, then you can definitely get through this. If he's constantly caving to them, it will be a lot more difficult, though certainly not impossible.
The people in your wedding are those people who are SUPPORTING you in your marriage. These family members certainly don't fit the bill. It sounds like they are using your wedding as their opportunity to put on a show, and you'll be the one who spends the day worried/sad/angry.
Your fiance needs to, at the very least, have a very strong talk with them about how off-base and inappropriate this all is. Unfortuantely, it's not going to change anyone's mind, but it shows them that the two of you are not going to spend your lives putting up with this. Your fiance needs to do this alone, because 1) they need to know that this is coming from HIM, that HE finds this unacceptable and 2) if you talk to them about it, they're just going to use it as an oppportunity to confirm their ideas about you or create whole new complaints about you.
2010-05-31_13_01_12.JPG (1128.1 KB, 50 downloads) 1 year old 
Ummm.. I'm going to have to disagree with some of you. It is not just as easy as saying "you are marrying him, not his family." I don't think this is true at all. Unless you live VERY far from his family, that attitude will not be productive. It seems like he and his family were close before all of this mess occurred. While it is true that your ultimate devotion is to each other once you are married - you do have to learn to deal with his family (which honestly sounds like they're a little crazy).
So, I'm not saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do. I would be outraged if I were you! I agree that they really don't have a place in your wedding party if they feel like you stole from them! I just think you need to continue to communicate with your fiance about any issues that continue to come up, because that is his family. Hopefully the two of you can figure out how to be supportive of each other without completely disrespecting his family (even if they are disrespecting you).
And...it is important for your fiance to stick up for you when appropriate. Not sure if he was supportive in your last family meeting, but hopefully he won't let you sit through long bash-sessions with his family. There comes a point where he should respectfully end the conversation and get the both of you out of there.
Good luck!
Yikes! I think the best thing would be for you and the FI to attend counseling together. That would be the best place to start. Even though there may not be any issue between you and the FI, it would give you two a neutral ground to talk about what is going on.
SV109564.JPG (494.4 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old 
SO sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. Considering how likeable his family seemed at first, this must be especially hard to wrap your head around!
I have to echo the other posters who asked how your fiance is responding to this. It sounds like he had your back when it came to FSIL #1 which is very encouraging. Was he present at the second meeting and, if so, how did he respond to his family's accusations?
Like Mr. Bee suggested, you have to remind yourself that this behavior is rooted in THEIR issues and insecurities. THEY are the ones who are creating the tension and drama, not you. You definitely don't deserve to be treated this way and I hope your FI supports you and backs you up throughout all of this!
Thanks for all the advice. My FI has been incredibly supportive through out all of this and is so ashamed of his family's behavior. He defended me throught the meeting it just didn't seem to matter.
He originally told them that he had no intentions of going if it were going to be a 3 onto 2 attack his mother swore it wouldn't be but that was exactly it and he called them out on it. They really do NO wrong. That became VERY apparent and I truely feel as though the meeting was held simply to make a very clear point to me. They are family and I need to "know my role" before any of this actually goes down.
My FI said he understands if I don't want to associate with them and says he does not either. I'm sure that is not entirely the case. We live only 10 miles from ALL of them. I don't want to make my FI not be around his family because that isn't exactly fair and then I will get blamed for it rather than realizing their actions caused it but I don't want to see any of them and my shower is in 2 days and my FMIL after the blow out the night before actually called me yesterday, acted nice as pie and asked if I wanted her to order me a cake for myshower. I feel like i llive in the twilight zone right now!
148019_pagoda_1.jpg (194.1 KB, 44 downloads) 1 year old 148029_SDC14030_JPG.jpg (17.8 KB, 37 downloads) 1 year old 148021_SDC14027.jpg (2591.4 KB, 33 downloads) 1 year old 
I am in somewhat of a similar situation and my FI's parents also live in the same city as us as well. Our situation became such a mess that my FI told his parents that if they continue with their behavior, that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding. This drama has completely put a division between us and them. In my situation my FI is not close to his parents and never has been, but as he says it, he has a "beaten puppy syndrome" his parents treat him & us like crap, but he still wants their love. What I had to realize is that these people are his family forever, regardless of them being close or not, he deep down still wants & desires to have a relationship with them.
I'm sad to say that in our situations, I don't think much can & will ever change between me & his family. What my FI & I have done, is express to his parents that we want to remain civil and act like adults, and they are fully aware that if they are rude to me, we will leave immediately. Its good to set up these boundries, becuase when you are dealing with immature people (like your FI's family) you have to set these boundries. To keep the peace in the future, I would encourge your FI to inform his family about these boundries. And secondly, due to the fact that you live in the same town, I would try to eliminate the number of times you see them. For example, if my FI wants to see his parents, he will go, I don't go with him all the time. We kind of have it set up like a calander, so that I only see his parents every 3 months, which we both think is for the best. Set up your boundries now, while things are heated, that way your FI will be more understanding.
Also, I think Duckling brought up a good point about venting to your friends not your FI. My FI is my best friend and I always talk to him about my problems, but at times he has become defensive when we talk about his parents, so I leave that chatter for my friends.
beach_2_dress.jpg (84.1 KB, 64 downloads) 1 year old beach_1_dress.jpg (103.5 KB, 64 downloads) 1 year old
Hello -- I just wanted to elaborate more about what I had posted earlier. Yes, gracez is right in saying it is not as easy as saying "You're marrying him and not his family" but I believe my point was missed. I will try to explain by using my personal experience.
I am going through an ackward situation myself. First off, my future FIL's family was very welcoming the last 3 years but things have started to change. My FI and I have known for some time that my future FIL has told many lies and have talked / complained to his family about us. We have both caught him in a few lies and my FI has even overheard the FIL lying to his family on numerous occasions on multiple phone calls. Some are stupid lies and some have been as bad as insinuating (SP?)that we are doing something to him. So lately when we see my FIL's family or go to family funtions they would treat us differently and make snide remarks towards us. Last week my future FIL actually confessed to my FI that his dad's side of the family was indeed talking about us but he claims that he defends us. We know this isn't true because the only way his family would know about some of the topics is because he had to have brought them up.
Now here's the kicker of this story... My future FIL lives with us. He's not 5, 10 or 15 mins away from us. He is in our house and will be until the day he passes. Due to medical reasons my FI had to bring him in 3 years ago. But let me tell you how hard that was for my FI. His father has a very evil past that had destroyed my FI's family and has diminished any true relationship that they could have had and will have in the future. Honestly, it is so hard for me to see his face every day. Some days I actually avoid looking at him because it brings such hurt and disgust to me. Which is so sad to me because I wanted nothing more than a great relationship with my FIL (or at least I hoped and prayed for one). I am sure you can probably imagine what my FIL has done so I won't go into any more details.
Anyway, before this becomes a book of my life I just wanted to say that no matter what my FIL or his family says or does to us, I will NEVER let it get between my FI and I. It will not effect the way that I feel for my future hubby. He is not them. This is why I said I am marrying my hubby and not his family. Sure we are going to continue to have problems with his dad and his family but it won't be anything that we can't work out together. If for some reason your issues effect your relationship that you have with your hubby be sure to seek some counseling. You have to want it to work in order to make it work.
I hope I have brought some light to your darkness. You are definitely not alone in your situation at all. You two can make it!!! Much love and luck!!
Counseling is a great idea - if nothing else, it can give you some understanding of what is driving your FILs to act so crazy, and it will give both you and your FI some strategies for dealing with them.
I also have some in-law issues, and my best advice is this: try, as hard as you can, to stay out of the middle of any of this. It's your FI's job to deal with his family's craziness, not yours - but neither of you have to put up with being attacked. It's great that you say that he defended you, but honestly what he should have done was to stand up, take you by the hand, and tell his family that if they couldn't be courteous and respectful to you, you would both leave. There is no reason for you to be attacked or criticized - that kind of "family meeting" is not about working out problems. It's about intimidation and manipulation. You need to let your FILs know that this kind of behavior isn't acceptable, and the best way to do that is to just politely refuse to have any contact with them when they are acting this way. Don't argue, don't defend yourself, just stand up and say "I'm sorry, but it seems like we really can't discuss this in a productive manner. When you think you're ready to do that, let me know." And then leave (or hang up). The real problem, as I said before, is that YOU can't really do this very effectively - or you just play into their idea that you're somehow trying to cut them out of his life. He has to do it. And he has to do it consistently - and when he is accused of somehow being your puppet, he has to tell them that HE demands that they treat you with respect and courtesy, and that it is HIS decision that if that can't be accomplished, the two of you simply have better things to do than be part of their little circle of hate and disrespect. They will fairly quickly learn that if they want to see him, they need to be nice to you.
It helps (honestly) to watch The Dog Whisperer on Animal Planet. You need to be above all this, not get caught up in it, and you will find that if you just don't react to their bad behavior in any way that they find rewarding, they will learn to behave differently. They are doing this because they get something out of it - and because they think they can control both you and him. Once you figure out how to deny them whatever reaction they are looking for, it should get much better.
IMG_3689.JPG (91 KB, 29 downloads) 1 year old 
I'm glad that your FI is on your side and understands. This isn't the case with my FI and I but with my parents. My dads parents' for some reason are not the biggest fans of my mom. Until recently my dad hadn't said much but now he has and sees it a little more from my mom's point of view. The hard part is that it has trickled down to my sister and I. I do not know why but my grandmother doesn't appear to like me all that much. She came to my bridal shower and was around me, and my FI's aunts/mother and one of his aunts said "We're glad to have LaurenEB joining our family". With a straght face and no joking in her voice, my grandmother said "I don't know about that" and walked away. I was mortified.
I feel for you in a different way and I hope that you guys can work this out sooner than later following some of the advice of the above bees, because if you have children, it may trickle down to them. Good Luck!
LOL to Cesar Milan!! Totally! It's like with dogs...reward your ILs good behavior with your FIs presence and support. Ignore bad behavior and leave. Soon they'll figure out that they only get to see him when they're nice. Hope it gets better! Have your FI put his foot down on this! They either apologize, or they aren't in the wedding at all. Who wants them standing next to you when they can't even admit they were totally rude?? Ick.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ticatica | 14 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 12 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 11 |
| pinkandsparkly | 10 |
| Lyndzo | 10 |
| countrygirl62312 | 8 |
| Rivendeler | 8 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| Scottish_lassie | 7 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 2 |
| bookworm88 | 1 |
| kate02121 | 1 |
| MrsOliveBird | 1 |
| miss_blondie86 | 1 |
| dickinson | 1 |
| Dizbee | 1 |
 happyface |
1 |
| Angkinah | 1 |
| Lyndzo | 1 |
My FI and I have been together for 3 years. I always told everyone how happy I was to be marrying into a family like his that liked me and that we all got along.
FSIL #2's daughter was in my wedding and the day we were going dress shopping they arrived 30 minutes before myself and my BMS and were picking out dresses. The little girl came out of the dressing room spinning in this dress that matched NOTHING in my wedding. I didn't want to start a fight there so I let it go. (MY MISTAKE!) Then after talking to my other BMS they all told me I was nuts for nt saying anything. In order to keep the piece I lied and said the dress wouldn't be in on time so she could pick another dress. FSIL #2 told me thatthe 8 year old didn't like any other dresses there (I was unaware that an 8 year old had a say in what she wore to a formal function) In the end the truth came out so they have now deemed me a liar and manipulator. I did infact lie about the dress however I do feel as though I was backed into a corner. The last thing you want to do when yu are dress shopping with 8 girls is start an argument and I was not trying to manipulate, I was trying to spare the feelings of FSIL and my future neice. But again I shouldnt have lied.
80 days before my wedding and 14 before my shower FSIL #1 started a war about shower costs with my MOH. each girl was asked for 60 to cover invitations postage and favors for the 70 poeple attending (most of which was his side)
When FSIL #1 got out of hnd with my MOH my MOH stood up for herself which FSIL didn't like. She then turned the entire thing into an attack on me. She told my MOH that her brother marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life and that I have caused him debt and alianated him from his friends and would love to do it from his family too.
My FI was in a long term relationship for 5 years, he was burned BAD and didnt date for 4 years because of it. In that time, he was single, had no ties, no responsibility. He hung out in bars, did what he wanted and spent alot of time with them. Then I came into the picture, I own my own home and though I was younger than him, I had my own responsibilities and had grown out of that phase. As our relationship grew, so did my FI, he grew UP. He realized he might want to get dinner and a movie rather than blow 100 in a bar. My FI is a very strong man in the sense that if he WANTS to do something he WILL do it. I don't pull strings like a puppet master. He makes his own choices.
Of course everything got back to FI and I and his family called a meeting once they found out that my FI didn't want his sister at or in our wedding. This meeting DID NOT include me. When he went they started bashing me which somehow turned to 3 years ago at FSIL #1 bach party I apparently stole money from her and her cousin in a crowded bar with 12 other people there.
I have NEVER in my life taken anything from anyone and the fact that I would be accused of such an act with out proof other than I was the "new girl" is appalling. In addiditon how would someone ever agree to be a BM in our wedding if that is what they truely thought of me.
SO family meeting number two was called which I attended in order to defend myself. After an hour of the same nonsense the end result is that I they truely believe FMIL included that I stole money. I was crticised NUMEROUS times over refering to the wedding as my wedding rather than our wedding. I was called a liar and a manipulator and I ended up having to appologize with no appology from any of them for the stuff that was said about me and I was bullied into having both of them stand up with us on our wedding knowing how they feel about me.
My issue is. I LOVE my FI with every fiber of my being. I couldn't imagine life without him. But how do I spend the rest of my life at family functions, and at my wedding knowing how they all truely feel about me? Is this anyway to start a marriage and if we do.. will it survive?