Post # 1
So, we are getting down to the wire on booking everything for the wedding. My parents are paying for the wedding. My FI parents have not mentioned a rehersal dinner, and haven’t offered to help out in any or the wedding planning/paying. My FI has not and will not ask his parents about the rehersal dinner. He doesn’t feel comfortable. To give some background, his parents are divorced and haven’t spoken to each other in 20 years.
We decided to plan and pay for the rehersal ourselves. However, very generously my parents just offered to pay for it because they don’t want us spending the money, and they want to make it a really nice evening for us. So nice! But I am concerned. Maybe his parents were thinking about doing something but felt uncomfortable asking? Maybe they will be offended that my parents are paying for everything and look like they are taking over? That in 10 years I will hear about my FMIL being upset that “she wasn’t involved with anything for the wedding”?
Obviously there is a lot up in the air and a simple conversation with my FI parents would clear things up, but I don’t think it’s my place, and my FI doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his parents about money. And who would he talk to, his mom or his dad? So awkward.
PS: My parents through us an awesome engagement party, and my mom is throwing the shower
Post # 3
I think if your FI is feeling uncomfortable about bringing this up to his parents, you should let a sleeping dog lie. He might have some good reasons for not wanting to go down that road. Perhaps it will cause a fight with his parents. One might pay and insist the other not go, or go without their new SO. (It’s happened before.)
Also, I don’t know think the parents should fel required to give money. My parents were pretty traditional in paying for some of my wedding. And I was grateful. But DH’s family didn’t pay a dime. And I didn’t expect them too. Of course it was his second wedding, and they don’t have money. But those are the breaks.
Post # 4
I think let it be. You are lucky enough to be having all of the events you want due to your parents’ generosity. If your FI’s parents wanted to throw the rehearsal dinner they would say so -My only concern is that the wedding is in January 2011. Are you really booking your rehearsal dinner now? I think we booked ours a month or two in advance. Your FI’s parent’s may just not have brought it up yet. If you are booking now, maybe next time your FI talks to his parents he can mention that it is booked, like while giving a rundown of wedding developments and give them a chance to say something. They probably wouldn’t guess that you were booking that now. Either way your FI has to decide how to handle talking to them since they are his parents.
Post # 5
I think you should leave it alone too. Maybe they dont have enough money that would help you guys out and they already feel badly for helping.
Post # 6
@MarzipanMrs.:Thanks for responding. It really helps to hear from non-biased people who are going through the same things. Much appriciated! Wedding planning can make you crazy and question everything. Thanks again
Post # 7
Definitely let it go. If they wanted to be involved financially, they probably would have piped up early in the process.
Post # 8
magilnyc: I had the same problem. His parents aren’t divorced but they are VERY tight with their money. They don’t seem to really care that he’s getting married either. So, we decided from the get-go that we would host an out of towners rehearsal dinner that will be a picnic in the park. Total opposite of our semi-formal wedding but fun and us and with local feel. Much cheaper than doing a formal rehearsal dinner with all of the families.
Then, one day, he told his parents our plan for the rehearsal dinner and they got upset that we planned it w/o them. (seriously?!??!) So, he said, this is what we’re doing. If you want to help with it, we are willing to take your help. If not, we will pay for it ourselves.
We were at a point where we had to make a decision and we made that decision. His Mom still has not talked to his Dad about the cost of it so at this point, we are planning on paying for it. If they do end up giving us money, wonderful. If not, ok, we will deal. It’s going to cost ~$10/pp for the dinner and we’re hosting ~$50 people.
I think everyone else here has the right idea. If you guys can swing it on your own or with your parents help, go for it. If his end up paying for it, just pay your parents back.
Post # 9
On the one hand, I agree with the posters who said maybe it’s best to just let it go and not plan on any help.
On the other hand, sometimes parents don’t know/understand how long it takes to plan wedding related things like a rehearsal dinner. It could be that they want to help, but might not think to say anything til a month or two beforehand. It sounds like your FI doesn’t want to bring it up with either of them, but maybe he’d feel more comfortable talking to them if he was able to beat around the bush a little. So, he could say something like, “Mom/Dad, FI and I are beginning to finalize all of our plans for the wedding & rehearsal. Do you have any thoughts or advice?” This might open the door for them to say something like, “oh, you’re finalizing it already? Well, I wanted to contribute to the rehearsal.” Of course, be prepared that they might not be willing/able to contribute (and might have some opinions anyway).
Post # 10
@Julialimei:This is perfect. “Any thoughts or advise” – love that. I am going to see if I can get FI to say exactly that. Keep you all posted. And as always, thanks for the advise.
Post # 11
I don’t have any concrete advice, but we were in a similar situation and I can tell you what we did 🙂 We talked about it a lot, we weren’t sure if his parents wanted to contribute because they hadn’t brought it up AT ALL. We decided to ask, but not specifically ask for money. We said to them “We noticed we haven’t really been involving you in anything, and we’re curious if there are parts of the wedding you’d like to be involved in?”.
This way we figured we might get an offer of financial help, or we might get an offer of physical help, both of which were obviously welcome! They ended up saying that they’d been talking about it but didn’t know where we needed help. In the end they decided to pay for/plan the rehearsal dinner, and pay for the church flowers. They also told us to let them know if we need anything else.
Moral of the story? Just because they haven’t said anything, doesn’t mean they don’t want to help out. Hope this helps you in some way… lol.
Post # 12
@magilnyc: We are in a similar situation. My family has offered *some* money but my FIL’s have not said one word about contributing or helping plan. They have only given me a list of names and addresses of about 80 friends and family for their side. They are very quiet and shy people so I don’t know if they are uncomfortable or just feel like we’ve got it covered already. It is such a sticky situation because my FI is not comfortable talking to his parents (who aren’t divorced btw) about money with them at all. And I know that it isn’t my place to go there with them. I am going to try the “We wanted to see if there are parts of the wedding you’d like to be involved in” approach. Hopefully it is as successful as some others have been 🙂
@OttawaBride2011: Thank you for sharing that!
Post # 13
@magilnyc, happy to help 🙂 I hope it works! @OttawaBride2011‘s suggestion is also a great way to bring it up and probably wouldn’t make your FI uncomfortable. I should have thought of that wording myself, since it is almost exactly how my FI approached his parents!