Post # 1
ahhhh I need to vent.
So we are not getting married for 2 years… and we were discussing the wedding with my parents, and they said they will be happy to pay for the wedding as long as my FH’s family gets the rehersal dinner. Sooo…. depending on where we have the wedding either allll of my family needs to travel across the country… or his whole family needs to travel across the country. So… as tradition states those who fly in for your wedding are invited to the rehersal dinner.
So my FH talked to his Dad about this, and he first AUTOMATICALLY assumed the wedding would be here so no one from HIS side would need to travel farther than 20 minutes from their homes, but my ENTIRE side would need to fly across the country. And he says… we will pay for the wedding party only… and every one else is on their own!!!!!! What an ass!!!! This is all we are asking them to pay for… and MY parents are covering EVERYTHING else and he has nerve to say that!! Plus we are giving them 2 YEARS notice!!! We are talking like 50 people!! I checked prices at like applebees… and thats like $800. I’m really offened!! He totally dissed my ENTIRE side of the family by completely snubbing them!! JEEZ. This is going to escalate into even more bad stuff… I can see it now. I will end up hating my future mother and father in laws. This is horrible.
PS- there is a lot more history to this situation… but this just TOTALLY put me over the edge. Like seriously? what if we have it in NJ? then would he dis his own family? I doubt it. Or they wouldn’t come at all. Cuz that is what they do. They are selfish and they disapoint.
Yuck. I feel like this is going to be SUCH a nightmare.
Post # 3
Well, first of all, don’t just assume that whoever is hosting the rehearsal dinner should *have* to pay for *all* the out of town guests. My MIL couldn’t have afforded all of that and we wanted to keep it to immediate family (aunts, uncles, gparents) and bridal party and we ended up with 35. It still wasn’t cheap. And 50 is a lot of people. A friend of mine is having hers at a sports bar for about 50 people–burgers and beer!
We paid for our wedding ourselves and we never felt like my MIL was being “cheap” by not shelling out a bunch of dough for a bunch of my family. Your parents are covering your wedding by choice, so you shouldn’t compare what they pay versus what your in-laws pay if you are going by tradition of who pays what. It doesn’t necessarily work like that anymore. Maybe your in-laws want to keep the party small, bridal party only? It’s really their decision to decide who is coming because they are paying. That is simply how it works.
If money is an issue, you have 2 years, why don’t you and your FI chip in? Since you aren’t paying for anything else, a few hundred bucks shouldn’t be a big deal if money is an issue for your in-laws. I don’t know how much they make, but I always remind myself that money is money and I know that our RD set my MIL back even though she had lots of notice for it. If they object, why don’t you think about having a more casual rehearsal dinner at a park, then having it catered? Catered food in bulk would be cheaper than Applebee’s.
I think the best way to go about this is to find out what their budget is. We assumed our MIL would contribute like $500, then she said up to $1,000 and we kept it to like $800. But once you know a budget, let them know the # of people and why. Stress etiquette or immediate family or whatever to let them know and tell them you’ll find a venue that fits that many people for that budget, then find one! They shouldn’t just ignore your family–but if he was saying “my family and bridal party only” that’d be one thing, but maybe they were thinking of a really nice RD for the bridal party. You don’t know unless you ask =].
Post # 4
I agree with EJS. Maybe we don’t get the whole dynamics here because you said there was more. It sounds like between you, your FI, and your parents, there was a lot of assuming they would pay for stuff, and no asking nicely for a contribution, if and only if they truly wanted to….
And a lot of times, these days, brides and grooms are paying for their expenses. I would nicely talk to them about if there is anything they would like to contribute. My guess is that you will end up having the wedding where you live. (Although it might depends on who big your families are.) In which case what they contribute might be more if they know they’ll be paying for their own family to come in from OOT. But who knows?
Since it’s so important to have OOT guests be at the RD (which I think is very nice), if you had to pay for the RD yourself, would you be footing the bill for all of the OOT guests? Or would you decide that mabye you’d invite fewer people to the RD?
Post # 5
Since your wedding is two years away you and FI should start a wedding savings account so you can chip in with the rehearsal dinner and maybe some of the wedding. That way you can invite who you want and not have to worry about the in-laws.
Post # 6
Well from what I am told and been to, a rehearsal dinner is that..for the wedding party, so I really don’t think your inlaws are being an *ass* about anything. I know some inlaws who are unable to pay for anything, so you should be grateful, IMHO.
One thing you need to remember too, is your wedding is 2 years away, alot of things can change between now and then and probably will. You are going to have to learn to deal with the stress a bit and just know not everyone is going to be on the same plan as you. But I have to agree with EJS, do not assume and talk to your inlawas, respectfully, and see where they stand. Also I really do not see where he is dissing your entire family. If you are going by tradition only, the grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. But I agree with PP, start your own fund, you have plenty of time and pick up costs where needed since your parents are paying for everything else.
I understand there maybe underlying issues with family there, but one day your and your FI are going to have to realize whats more important and not hold grudges towards people. Families are not perfect and never will be.