Post # 1
Hey Bee’s. I need some advice and to vent a little.
My future FIL & MIL offered to give $8000 towards the wedding, which is the ONLY way we were able to start planning at all and even book the venue. When we finally started booking, buying and planning, I had in my head that the $7000 we had ($1000 to book) would just be used strictly for the food, cocktail hour and cake. Only food, taxes and gratuity. One less thing for me to worry about since I knew it was covered.
We have since done a TON of planning, booking, buying, etc…. never once asking for a single penny from them. Fast forward a year later, and we are starting to talk about the rehersal dinner. My future FIL started naming all these people who may be attending and I was thrown thru a loop. I’m not trying to make a big deal out of the rehersal since the wedding is 1 1/2 hours from “home” and it will just be the wedding party and immediate family.
They wanted to do the rehersal at the hotel we are staying at in one of the function rooms ($$) and do a buffet for however many people ($$$) — I wanted to reserve a room at a local chinese joint and just enjoy the night, low key. I don’t think they liked this.
When I wasnt around that night, he talked to his parents. Apparently since they are giving $7000 part of that needs to be for the rehersal now? I was never giving any terms as to where the money should be going. We were generously given this amonut and I used my best judgement to put it all towards one big item on the list. He tried explaining this and they were not happy. It’s not like I can take $700+ from that because as it is the food the venue will cost more than the $7000, and the less we need to put towards that the better. Mind you we don’t even have the $7000, they are saving and will *hopefully* have it by the wedding. We haven’t asked for any money from them aside from the down payment.
I’m just lost. I am upset that they only talk about the wedding finances when I am not around. Am I wrong for being upset that they are now dictating where the money goes?
Post # 3
Well, it’s their money, and technically they can say what it is used for. It is traditional for the groom’s family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, so I can see why they might think their money should be used for that.
I think you should plan the wedding that you can afford, at this moment. Promises of money aren’t the same as actually having it in the bank. If you are relying on your in-laws to pay for something in the future without actually having the money, then I would plan as if you don’t actually have it.
It’s uncomfortable for some families to talk about money. You are your FI should sit down, make a detailed budget of all wedding costs, (including RD) and show it to your inlaws. If they are comfortable paying the $7,000 still, let them sign the catering contract so they will be responsible for it. If they want to pay for the rehearsal dinner with that money, well, that’s their prerogative. Money (usually) comes with strings attached, sorry. Your other option is to not accept any of their money and pay for everything yourself.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
It’s their money, and technically it’s traditional for the groom’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. The fact that they’re willing to do that plus a LOT more is really quite generous of them. I understand that you feel a little blindsided, but to be honest you sound pretty entitled here…
They may not want to talk directly to you about money. People can be a little funny and private about money. I’d have your fiance get a detailed description of their “terms” for giving you the money, and then you can see if it’s acceptable.
Post # 5
are your parents contributing at all?
FI’s parents might feel like “hey I’m shelling out all this cash and the other side isn’t doing anything”
Groom’s side –> rehearsal dinner
Bride’s side —> wedding/reception
traditionally that is.
Post # 6
I think the rehearsal dinner reflects most on the groom’s parents, so it’s okay that they have a grand vision for it. I think it was totally stupid of them to not explain from the get-go that the money they were contributing was meant for that purpose. You’ll have to explain the mix-up if the money was already spent on the venue. Messy and I feel for you.
I don’t think you should cheap out on the rehearsal dinner if your bridal party pays for their own dresses, travels multiple times, or throws you a shower. It’s supposed to be a way to thank them, so it’s not really cool to cut costs there.
Post # 7
@lolot: i’m the worst when it comes to knowing the traditions, mainly because my whole life has been pretty untraditional. i have asked him to speak with his parents about what they had planned for the money, as I am not trying to hurt anyones feelings.
@elliptical2013: my step father is paying for the dj, but that is it. my family isn’t in a position to really contribute.
@oldmatron: i’ve been looking at other options in the area, but there aren’t any. having the rehersal at the hotel would literally be the cost of a small wedding. we don’t have a huge wedding party, but i can see what you mean about not cutting the cost too much.
@sarals24: i wish i could turn back the clock and have not booked the wedding. i wanted to do a backyard wedding and just hire a bbq place to cater. that has all been thrown out the window. we have literally booked so much and are sort of relying on them for the $7000. awful i know.
Post # 8
Can you push the wedding back? So you guys can earn back the $$ meant for the rehearsal dinner and put it into the rehearsal dinner? Your wedding is pretty far off, STDs and invites haven’t been sent out yet.
I know they didn’t tell you what to spend it on before you already did but they will be pretty upset if they don’t get the rehearsal dinner they want
Pushing it back I’m sure you can still get the date, time for all the vendors since you already gave them deposits.
Post # 9
@elliptical2013: we already have the STD’s and the invites, hotel blocks, etc. we have really done so much so pushing it back isn’t really an option. I have considered getting a small part time job after my work to contribute the extra $$ towards it. May be the only option right now!
Post # 10
0% APR credit cards for 21 months offer, open it 2 or 3 months before a wedding if you have good credit (tier 1) can get approved easily
During my moves for my FI career changes, relocation bonuses or sign on bonuses weren’t initially given until 2-3 paychecks in so we had to figure out how to have enough $$ for 1st, last month rent (being young 23 people don’t want to rent to you) as well as high deposits all in cash
All moving expenses (1500+) as well as hotel stay etc were put on a credit card that had a long expiration date. We were able to pay it completely off once we had the money when he started working and got the relocation $$ in his next checks.
Check to see which vendors take credit cards and which ones don’t and try to get them to take credit card for most.
Private vendors usually don’t take credit card but they might take paypal as well which also uses a credit card.
We booked a lot of our things on credit card and got a lot of reward points too, and were able to pay it off. The only sucky thing is we don’t really use the credit card after we’re done with it and its just a line of credit thats open that I’d rather have on a frequent flyer card or something else but I don’t want to get credit checked that many times in a year.
Post # 11
@elliptical2013: thats actually a great idea. i don’t have the best credit (tons of student loans) but my FI does. something to consider!
Post # 12
They’re paying so I think they should get a bit of a say when it comes to some of the planning. I also suggest pulling in the reigns a bit with the spending if you don’t have their money in your hands already. What if they back out or can’t save enough? You should be planning based on the money you know you will have.
Post # 13
@MrsConnolly2bee: forgot to add, some bees might not like this but its not really debt if you’re not paying interest and you have the time and resources to pay it off eventually. Some credit cards might not be so friendly to give you 21 months like my BOA or Freedom but they will at least do 6 months of an introductory offer.
Post # 14
@MrsConnolly2bee: You have all that out a year in advance??……
Anyway, I think you need to get the second job then or find a way to raise the money. Since it is their money they probably think that should go towards it. Or I would wait until your wedding gets closer as it is pretty far off to even think about a rehearsal dinner.
By the way, I am really nervous for you. If they are dictating this money now, what happens if they back out or say a certain portion of that has to go elsewhere? It probably wasn’t a good idea to accpet that until check was in hand.
Post # 15
@megz06: i’m a bit of a planning psycho i guess. almost everything is done that can be done, aside from the JOP, me finding a dress and choosing tuxes….
With the holidays coming and having retail and bartending experience i think finding a job will be easy enough.