- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I was not a girl, or woman, to plan my dream wedding. If I got married, I planned to elope and have a moment just with my partner and not a performance. Once I met my FI, however, it turned out that it was really important to him to have his parents there and have a celebration, so we compromised to have a small wedding. Neither of us is religious, and we decided that rather than hiring an officiant that we would get legally married at the courthouse the day before our self-binding ceremony and reception of 15-20 guests (about 16 or so guests with some room to leave for feeding the photographers). It was very important to me that if we compromised and had a ceremony/reception rather than eloping that it at least be an intimate party of not too many guests. We booked a venue, a mansion-style B&B, bought the dress, had everyone save the date, and I actually was looking quite forward to having not just a marriage (which I’m thrilled about), but a small wedding to celebrate it. My FI doesn’t like cake, and so we’re having a dessert bar and candy bar. He likes to dance, but we wanted to have control over our music, and so we are making our own wedding playlist to set up through his (very nice quality) speakers. It’s intimate, fairly casual, and very us.
My FI has an enormous family. Our wedding is immediate family only. We’ve talked for a while about his parents having a picnic/barbeque at their house a few days afterward so that more members of his family could celebrate. I’ve found these events with his family a bit overwhelming before (his brother’s graduation, for example) because of the number of people there, and the number of people that I don’t know very well (we’ve been together for a couple years, but there are a LOT of people to get to know from both his parents’ sides). I understand and appreciate their interest in celebrating with us, and so I thought that this barbeque was fairly settled.
Now his family has said that they would prefer to have the party at another site to avoid all the clean-up, which I completely understand. I pictured maybe a social hall or a pavillion at a park. They’ve actually chosen a large mansion with a website photo gallery that is entirely composed of wedding pictures. The dessert listed on the menu they’ve suggested (technically titled barbeque, though the food is much more upscale) is a wedding cake. One of the family members is a DJ and is prepared to set up for dancing. It can’t describe it in any other way than a wedding reception.
I do not want a second wedding reception. I actually did not want a wedding reception in the first place but sought to compromise with what my partner wanted for his wedding. I certainly do not want a large wedding reception two days after my actual wedding reception (this is when the “barbeque” was planned). I’ve already planned a wedding, and I’m not sure if it’s not good enough for them or what, but I feel as though they are trying to have a bigger and better wedding than they one we planned for ourselves (which my parents are paying for, with the exception of the photographer, which my future in-laws were generous enough to provide).
I also feel as though we can’t say no since they’ve said that they would prefer to do this than host it at their home, and I don’t want them to be forced to host if they don’t want to host. The only thing that I can think to do is suggest a different venue – like a room set aside for parties, reunions, or business functions at a restaurant. The venue they have chosen is clearly a wedding venue, which I think is inappropriate, given that we will already have planned and had our wedding reception. The cost of the venue, meals, and alcohol for that head count is going to cost more than the actual wedding costs. Between the courthouse, the wedding, and this, I feel as though I’m having three weddings. I need to figure out a way to make it clear this change of plans is over-the-top without being too prescriptive in how they must carry out their own party. Any advice?