Post # 1
So I have posted about my Future in laws being a little smothering. We live about 15-20 minutes away from them and they constantly try to see us. They won’t ever come over to our place, choosing to actually not see us unless we go over there. So we are usually bugged to go over there for dinner at least once a week, but often it is more like 2-3 times a week they ask.
We actually see them about once every 10 days…and if we go less then that there is “make-up time” where it is usually 2 dinners that week. My Fiance controls it wonderfully and keeps them at bay for me and its often him going over and me seeing them once every 2-3 weeks. Still more often then I would like (once a month is good for me, he agrees but appeases them).
Well Fiance is up for a really good job in a major city by us, it would require us to move after his probation is done otherwise the commute would be hell. We would be about 45 minutes away from them (City X). He is also up for a good job that would not require us to move (City Y), but it is not as good. We told FFIL about it and he goes “Go City X but really, Go City Y (don’t want you more then 30 minutes away). And now he is talking up City Y.
My FI wants to move to put some space, he sees his family more then his close friends and even he admits they eat up alot of his time.
Is this weird for a parent to say and hope for? Like theres wanting to keep your kids close but for the extra 15 minutes your hoping for a crappier job to pan out over the really good one?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Take the better job that it a bit further away. Some people only see their parents once or twice a year. I love living two hours away. It’s close enough that I can jump in the car and drive up for a weekend visit but far enough away that I can justify not going when I don’t want to. A better job is a better job.
No, it’s not weird for his parents who love him to want to see him regularly and express their feelings on him moving further away. It means he comes from a loving family and will probably be a good father himself.
Post # 4
@missjewels: Hey there. I don’t think it’s wierd, although it is very annoying lol. My Fiance’s family does the same thing. He is their youngest and has lived close by all of his life. They see him at least once a week and call just about every Sunday for dinner. I have made it a point not to attend every Sunday and to skip some holidays and birthdays because I don’t want it becoming “expected” that I will be there. If he wishes to do that, he’s more than welcome but I don’t feel that I need to. Also, his mother once made the comment “you aren’t moving anywhere” when he was talking about moving. He actually wants to move as well. I’ve moved around quite a bit but he’s been in the same 45 mile radius all his life so he would like to move. It is just a matter of the in-laws learning to “cut the cord” and focus on their own lives. I would dare to say, that you will need to constantly stake out your territory and put up your own boundaries with his family, so that they will learn early on – what you are and are not into and they will learn their space. I know it sounds mean, but it’s better to ease them into it now rather than pacify them now and then later on lay the law, at which point they will fill like “you changed”. Know what I mean?
Post # 5
I could understand if they didn’t want him to move a couple hours away, but worrying about 15 minutes extra is a little unusual to me. Although I’ll admit I’m from the Raleigh-Durham, NC area where living in the next city over is no big deal for families because our 3 major cities are within 30 minutes of each other.
Your FI’s career is the priority, and any career opportunities he takes now will benefit your family in the future, no matter where they are.
Post # 6
We’re the opposite, where we live close to FI’s parents and love seeing them all the time and don’t want to move, but I can see where that would be smothering. We see FMIL every weekend, and while I love her, it does get a little old to hear her complain when we want to go see my family or go see FFIL instead. I don’t think it’s weird that they want to see him a lot, but it sounds like they’re walking the line between normal and crazy.
Post # 7
I don’t think it’s weird for them to to want him to be closer, but I do think they would be totally out of line to make your FI feel guilty if he chooses the job that’s far away. Your FI needs to choose the right job for him, regardless of location. In this case it doesn’t kind like the difference in distance is THAT much, so they will get over it. He should pick the job he wants.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
45 minutes is really not that far. Take the better job and give yourselves some personal space. We used to live right down the road from FI’s parents, and we were visiting constantly (same as you – they would never come to our place). Now we live more like 20-30 minutes away, and they still call but not quite as often (maybe once per week now). FI still gets stuck helping them move furniture they bought, though… He gets a call, “Can you come over and help us unload this armoir out of the truck? … But we already bought it and it’s in our truck!” They just ASSUME he will help and if he were to say no, they would be stuck with a giant piece of furniture in their vehicle forever. Pretty irritating. It’s nice to have space.
Post # 9
They sound a little clingy, but I’m sure that if he gets the better job offer (as I hope he does!) and takes it, they will be able to adjust to the extra fifteen minutes.
Post # 10
I don’t think it sounds weird at all. My mom (and frankly me too) would be sad if I moved 45 minutes away. But we see her all the time, we are there for dinner at least once a week and usually also once on the weekend, although that depends on what else is going on. She watches our son for us regularily, sometimes because we need her too, and sometimes just because she wants too. It works for us, so no I don’t think what your in-laws are saying is weird at all.
You just have to do whatever works for you and your FI.
For what its worth, where I come from almost everyone here has at least a 45 minute commute to work each way, so that’s not impossible.
Post # 11
Your FI should definately take the better job. This is his career that he will be doing for years. His parents will get over it. Especially if they like to see him that much as it is.
Post # 12
Definitely take the better job, it would be silly not to. We live in a different state than my FILs, but I KNOW they would be like this if we lived near them. They are constantly over at my FSIL’s house. Constantly. I love my FILs and consider myself VERY lucky, but I don’t want to be with my or FI’s parents all of the time like that. It would just drive me nuts.
Post # 13
@missjewels: People are quite good at rationalizing what they want. Your in-laws probably feel that your fiance’ is young and will do just fine regardless of what job he takes. Or maybe they legitimately feel that his being closer to them is what’s more important. Who knows?
It does seem like they’re having a hard time letting go. While I understand it must be difficult not to see your kid (even one who is an adult) as much as you’d like – they are going to have to accept that you won’t always be able to come to dinner twice a week or even see them on a regular, iron-clad schedule.
You and your fiance’ need to make the decision that’s right for you and don’t let them make you feel guilty for it. On the other hand, try to have some sympathy for them and reassure them that you won’t just dissapear and only see them on holidays! You can also invite them to your home. If they choose not to come – that’s entirely their choice.
Post # 14
Take the job, but the situation with your in laws may be even worse than it is now. My in laws are over an hour away, and my MIL gets all cry-baby that we don’t visit her every week and SPEND THE NIGHT. I agree with once a month, but she thinks at least every week is acceptable. Even when I said we can maybe come every 2 (because we would need to go shopping anyway and they have better selection where she lives) she still begs us to spend the night.
As I said, still take the job becuase you guys need to look out for your future. Your in laws will get over it 🙂
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
I don’t think it’s weird. Of course, they want you guys to be closer. They will get over it, whichever job he chooses.
Post # 16
I don’t think it weird, parents always want to keep their children close. I think from your description sounds like you are doing good jobs in putting up boundaries. I think most parents would always urge their children to stay closer to home, so it’s probably mildly annoying, but of course you guys should let them know you will make the best choice for you not based on their proximity.