Future Indian Mother in Law….. Any Advice?!?

posted 3 years ago in South East Asian
Post # 2
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

My best friend since childhood is Indian, and she has always been VERY careful of what she puts on facebook. She is also very adament when she doesn’t want to be tagged places and such. I always got the impression it was family related.

Also, Indians culturally have very lavish, 3 day weddings with a ton of custom and such. Is that what she wants you to do ?

Post # 4
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

AliBeeGreat:  My friend didn’t introduce her long term boyfriend for like, 4 years!! I think girls are held to a different standard. If I were you I would make compromises – give and take. Hopefully you can both get what you want. If you are having a Western ceremony anyway I would prob let them take the Indian ceremony – but I am a pushover ha! Good luck! Sorry would write a better answer, but leaving work now 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

AliBeeGreat:  My friend didn’t introduce her long term boyfriend for like, 4 years!! I think girls are held to a different standard. If I were you I would make compromises – give and take. Hopefully you can both get what you want. If you are having a Western ceremony anyway I would prob let them take the Indian ceremony – but I am a pushover ha! Good luck! Sorry would write a better answer, but leaving work now 🙂

Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

AliBeeGreat:  I’m pretty sure that red is the traditional colour for them, similar to our white dresses. It is highly possible that they are being pressured from their extended family about you not being Indian and so are trying to make you act as traditionally as possible to counter-act this. I agree that it needs to be give and take: it’s a three day wedding, can you perhaps wear red on some days and white on others?

Remember that you are already perceived (wrongly, but undeniably) to be “rocking the boat” because you aren’t Indian, choose carefully how else you want to rock it. Remember that these kinds of conflicts will come up when raising children too stand your ground about the truely important issues but give ground when you can to make his family feel heard and accepted, rather that feeling like you are regretting everything they value. 

About the engagement video, is there a lot of kissing or something? I would stand my ground about keeping it up there. You shouldn’t have to hide your relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

The role of a woman in Indian culture is very different from that in Western culture and the role of a wife is even more so.  I think it would be a good idea to study up on the culture so you can better understand their expectations for you.  If you and your FI decide not to fall in line with tradition then they will likely treat you poorly so your husband will need to step up and deal with his mother and sisters on your behalf.  If he can’t or won’t do that then you need to reconsider marrying him.

In the meantime you need to screen his family on your Facebook.  Create a special group and put them in it so you can pick and choose what to share with them.  Your FI may be okay with you sharing but they are probably embarassed which is why they are asking you to take things down.

You’re not the only one: http://www.economist.com/news/christmas-specials/21591745-curse-mummyji

Post # 11
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

AliBeeGreat:  My best advice is to hurry up and have a grandson so she’ll focus on him and not on you.  But even then she find dault with how you’re raising your son so get used to her not being happy with you or anything you do.  I predict she will be that way until she dies (or submits to brainwashing.)  It’s the way she was raised and if you love your FI you’ll just have to figure out a way to put up with her.  

Post # 13
Member
4944 posts
Honey bee

AliBeeGreat:  I want to reach out and give you a giant internet hug. I related to your post and your frustration so much. I am one half of an interracial marriage. My husband is Vietnamese, and I am Caucasian (a mutt-mixture, really … who knows what all is in there! LOL).

Initially, my husband wanted for us to elope and not tell anyone until after we were married. I didn’t understand this at all because his mother had always been polite to me. And I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding anything from anyone. I wanted a wedding with my family around, etc.

Once we were officially engaged, my mother-in-law turned from polite to anything-but. I think she felt like she could be nice until the ring was on the finger. At that point, it was all “real”, and she panicked because a marriage to a non-Vietnamese girl was not what she wanted for her son. Maybe your mother-in-law is going through something simliar? Or maybe she is struggling with the idea of her son getting married and feels as if she will be competing with you?

My husband and I were engaged for five or six years, so a loooong engagement. She spent the bulk of that time trying to talk him out of marrying me. I kind of suspected this, but I only recently had it confirmed. She told him all kinds of lies about me. That I was only after his money (which was funny, because he didn’t have any!). That I couldn’t be trusted because I was white. That I was from a poor family (this is true), so I would never fit in with him or his friends (this is not true). That I could never better myself. That I would be a horrible mother. That I would divorce him and take his kids away (also funny, because we had no kids at the time). I don’t even remember what all else she told him. Basically, if she could think up something mean to say about me, she did. For years and years and years, all the while sort of smiling to my face.

When we finally set a wedding date, she accepted it enough that she came to the ceremony. She made sure all the family arrived on time, and she even came ahead of time to visit with my mom and help the bridesmaids (one of whom was her daughter) get ready. Also, she wore traditional Vietnamese dress to our wedding. This was a BIG BIG DEAL, and made me wonderfully happy.

Of course, she still said stuff about me behind my back. At this point, I don’t think she could help herself. 16 years into our marriage, I have learned how to ignore her. And how to tell when she is not being sincere. We get along well enough that I welcome her into my home to visit, and I respect her as the grandmother of my child. I will not try to come between her and my husband or her and my child. And I suppose it is true that I am concerned for her and try to help her for my husband’s sake. But I don’t trust her. And probably never will.

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