Post # 1
I am curious how FMIL were for you during the wedding planning? Did she boss around or was she cooperative? Did you stay your ground if she give you trouble?
DO you think the way you communicate now or the issues you two have during wedding planning would be the same after the wedding? I mean, if you stay your ground now, then she would learn to not treat you as a doormat and respect you?
My wedding planning started off with FMIL trying to push stuff so I wonder if I should fight her, so she learns that I do not appreciate her bossiness. MY situation is different because my parents live very far away and will not be involved in planning or paying for the wedding here. Thus, FMIL is taking charge of it all and I appreciate her help but she comess off as pushy and I want to find an effective way of communicating with her politely and being asserive… so I still have the things I prefer. I always had trouble to say what I want and I work on my asseriveness, but now it is very hard to be all alone against very strong woman FMIL.
Post # 3
@inspiration86: Your FI really needs to sit down with her and tell her that you guys love the effort she puts in but you want to make sure the wedding still represents the two of you. She is much less likely to get angry at her own child. My FI parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner and that is it so they don’t really seem to care to much about what we do. They like to know what we are planning and tour places, go to tastings, ect. but never gave opinions until they heard what we had to say and even then only said constructive things. I noticed when we did forget to include them is the only time she got upset so I think its a balance of if we make an effort to be inclusive they are supportive
Post # 4
No, because she is not involved. She spent the first few years of our relationship trying to convince SO to drop me, I was no good for him, etc. Then she makes the holidays difficult by guilt tripping us, so that no matter where we spend our time, its not good enough. Finally (I really wanted to elope) but due to family pressure, are having a wedding.
So, she already used up all her veto cards. She doesn’t get to have any more opinions considered. Not involved!
Post # 5
All of my in-laws have a bossy “you need my advice/input” type of attitude. I’m a very independent person who likes to figure things out herself, and I find that kind of attitude not only domineering – but patronizing. OP, 5 years into my relationship, I find myself in a similar situation – because so many times I bit my tongue with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law (especially the latter). Now they’ve grown to believe I don’t mind – or even like – their “helpful” input.
I do think learning to knock this down from your wedding on is a good idea. You can’t completely change people, but you can encourage how you want people to treat you. Still, I think I need more specific examples of her behavior for me to really give you the best advice.
If she’s pushy like… “You should REALLY go with the (blank) invitations,” you have a few strategies. Complimenting her, then trailing off and changing the subject, could be effective – “Those are attractive and blarghablargha…thanks for your help…hey, how about (x)?”
“Thanks. But I’m really settled on (y).” Direct. To the point. Still polite – but it also conveys that the matter is no longer up for debate. If she continues, I think a good, “Oh, okay, thanks,” in response to whatever she says should be enough. Courteous. But it still says: “Notice how I’m not elaborating…?”
Post # 6
So far FMIL has mostly ignored that we are planning a wedding. She doesn’t want FI to marry me and has been trying to break us up for years. My parents took us and his parents out to dinner at our venue and she spent the entire time griping about how her own wedding sucked. We’re closing in on a year of being engaged and she still has not said congratulations on our engagement. I kinda feel like until she acknowledges our engagement I don’t have to include her. One of these days I suppose that I’m going to have to talk to her about things and get addresses ect, but for now I just share stuff with my family who are actually interested and excited for us.
Post # 7
FI’s parents are paying for the wedding. After 2 days of actively planning, I’m ready to elope and cut them both out of my life forever.
Post # 8
FMIL…not involved at all. His parents like me (I think), they don’t seem upset we are getting married but they haven’t asked a word about the wedding. I think his dad actually talks to him more about it than either of them have talked to me.
I figured the FMIL would start talking to me now because its the easiest time to make conversation when you can ask wedding details. Hasn’t happened yet though, we hardly say two words to eachother.
Post # 9
MIL loves me and was so happy that I married her son with her present and didn’t elope that she was just overjoyed to be there when we did the deed. I know that I”m lucky.
Post # 10
@inspiration86: She was great. Left me alne to do my own thing (we do live in different states though). She planned the RD, which I honestly could care less about, so maybe that redirected her energy, but I got zero troubles from any of the in-laws!
Post # 11
FMIL cuts me off, in what she thinks is a polite way, whenever I start talking about the wedding plans. So…I don’t really have advice for you.
An example of my treatment:
Me: So I know FI read you the menu choices the other day, but today we sat down and figured out that we were going to go with-
FMIL: Oh that’s okay, whatever you choose is fine. We’ll eat anything.
Me: Well I was just gonna say, we thought it would be good to get the-
FMIL: I don’t want to hear. I know we’ll be happy with whatever you guys choose.
…wtf? I literally cannot bring up the wedding because she won’t let me talk. I hate it. I wish she would at least listen to what we’re planning. All she would hear is when and where, but details aren’t welcome.
Post # 12
My FMIL hasn’t really been giving many opinions or been very involved. She seems genuinely really happy we’re getting married but all she’s asked is if my mom is wearing a long or short dress! Mostly my FI will mention something we’re planning and she just says that sounds nice. And I’m happy to have it that way!
Post # 13
She mostly got really upset that she wasn’t allowed to do anything… but anytime she offered to help out she retracted it as soon as I actually asked! It was weird. Right before the rehearsal dinner she gave us a big awkward speech about it. If I had let her she would’ve taken over the entire thing and it wouldn’t have been at all what I wanted.
Post # 14
We had a good relationship going into wedding planning and that’s been maintained after the wedding. 2000 miles of distance helps create some good boundaries! 😉 She was minorly involved in our plans but was helpful and supportive. She enthusiastically shopped for a dress, planned the rehearsal dinner (with our input), and helped find the flower girl and ring bearer outfits. I didn’t really share info about the wedding that wouldn’t impact her (my dress, choices about decor, etc) and I think that spared us from any conflict. She did want to invite her cousins (who I’ve never met), but was responsive when we said no.
Post # 15
I am blessed that my FMIL is just excited for the wedding, and doesn’t insert herself. She gave me the names of 2 people she wanted invited, and was almost apologetic about it (“If you don’t have space, I understand”). She was extremely ill in May & June (5 weeks in ICU, we almost lost her) so I am just delighted she’s with us, and will be there.
Our relationship was good before, it’s been good during the planning, and it will be good after. So happy that there is very little family drama in our lives. God knows I’m stressed enough without having to deal with that too.
Post # 16
@inspiration86: I get along great with my FMIL.
She has been very involved in the planning. She came for my fittings, shopping for the FG dress, she is paying for our limo and rehearsal dinner, she even planned and paid for my bridal shower. We are very close.
I am very lucky to be marrying into a family that loves me as I love them. I wish everyone had that. Its tough to have in laws and not get a long with them 🙁