Post # 1
Our wedding isn’t for some time (9/15) but Ive been getting the guest lists from everyone. My parents have graciously given a 10k budget. My Fi and I know we will already have to pay for at least 1-2k at the very least. My parents already feel like they can hardly invite anyone because JUST my MILs family is like 25 people (a total of over 50 people just for his family.) she has 2 sisters alone that have 6 children each. Now, I don’t want ANY children tbere, aside from mine and Fi’s daughter (ovbs) and our nephew as they are in the bridal party. She has said they could chip in for a few extra kids (17$/plate) but when I told her we were taking the estimate that I have for 110 guests and 10 kids splitting it in 4 so my parents can have a selection, myself, fi, and his parents she got instantly defensive. Saying that my Fi can choose what family he wants to invite (mind you, all this family lives at LEAST 10 hours away and he hasnt even met some of his cousins due to not having been up there in years) and saying they couldn’t possiy pay for close to 20 adults (less than $850). I just don’t know what to do.
Ive tried talking with her about it and explaining it’s not about hurting anyone’s feelings or any of that, it’s about how we just can’t afford it and Fi and I should be allowed to invite some of our own friends to our wedding instead of feeling like we can only have family. Does anyone have suggestions or have been through this before?
Post # 2
mrsdevries: Hey I kind of went through this with my invitation list. Our max was 150, and we have sent STDs to 145. An issue came up where my futire FIL basically told a ton of distant family members they (and their kids) were invited–we wanted minimum kids, only our first cousins. This really pissed me off. Our compromise was that my fiances parents would have to take some of their friends off of the list to make room for those family members that would not have initially been invited. They offered to pay for these people but I don’t even want to deal with some people paying for certain guests, so if I were you I wouldn’t take her up on that offer. It also got really annoying because fiance and his family insisted we send out STDs to family members who “defintely” won’t come–so we’ll see! I really wish I had handled this whole thing differently and been more assertive!
If I were you I would stick to the number you need to stick with. Talk to your fiance about people on his side of the family he feels he absolutely needs to invite. After sending out STDs, I think it’s acceptable to try to bring it up to people to see if they think they will be coming, which would give you an idea of how many will actually come.
I think we are going to send out invites earlier than normal and hope to get RSVPs back quickly–and then bother those family members to see if they are coming or not. Then we are going to invite people who we couldn’t initally invite.
SO, in sum, I was in your position and gave in a little bit too much in terms of getting family on the list, which I’m resenting. Invite who you want to–don’t sacrifice close friends for distant family members.
Best of luck!
Post # 3
mrsdevries: You have to be form on this. People are bound to think they have a say in your wedding but only you and your fiance do.
Explain that if you and your family have made compromises and left people out it’s only reasonable that they do too.
Again, learn the power of no, and don’t try to please everyone.
Post # 4
You need to talk to fiance and make certain you are both on the same page. The answer is you have a limited number of invites, you have divided them up, and this is it.
Post # 5
Well luckily for me he is on my side in realizing of his mom wants all her family to come they need to pay. Unfortunately, she sees it as choosing sides all involved are first cousins, and while I wouldn’t mind it mostly just pissed me off she thinks she can have everyone there and my Fi and I have hardly any friends and not chip in. AND THEN try and be a cheap skate for the rehersal dinner. She thinks everything the cheap or generic way is better. And if Fi and I have a 6 month old not totally awesome jobs and can save for the wedding and pitch in as much as we are, I just assume they should to. I don’t think his dad really realizeA but he would be more able to want to chip in. They’re married but idk. It’s weird. I’ve tried telling her it feels like 1000 times. 🙁
Post # 6
Just tell her, “FMIL, you get X amount of invitations. You can divide them up however you choose. That number is firm, I’m sorry.” Don’t allow her to pay for any extras, because that just opens the door to her trying to get more and more. Get the addresses from her and send out the invitations yourself, and have your FI communicate with her forom now on.