Post # 1
My future mother in law I keeps asking to put everyone in my FI’s family either in the wedding or give them a job at the wedding.
This has become so out of control. First was”find a place for the kids”. I thought sure, no problem. There are three kids, and I would like to involve the three kids from my family as well. So I found roles for all of them and felt pretty great.
Next, it was “include FI’s sister in your wedding party”. Hmmm… Well in 9 years FI and I have been dating, I have only met her twice, but, okay. She’s my future sister in law, she is immediate family. Okay, I have another bridesmaid.
Next, it was “the eleven year old (one of the kids I already found a role for) has a beautiful voice and she would like her to be the lead vocalist at the ceremony.” luckily, my parents already booked the music, so this was a simple no. She was hurt. So I mentioned having her sing at the rehearsal dinner.
Now she asks me to find a role for FI’s brother in law. She’s afraid his feelings will be hurt if he isn’t in the wedding. FI and BIL do not get along. This Christmas was the first time I have ever met him. We do not want to add anyone else in the wedding!
I responded and told her that the first couple rows on either side of the ceremony venue are reserved for close family members, and corsages will be given to them in hopes to make everyone feel as important as they are to us. And, all roles of the wedding are filled. She was hurt.
My parents are footing 100% of the bill. And I literally have 2 people standing up from my side plus the 3 kids on my side handing out confetti to toss out of 18 people.
i have had to ask her for addresses 7 times so far and still haven’t received anything. Argh…
have any of you experienced anything like this? How would you handle it?
Post # 3
I put the kabash on crap like this from the get-go. Within a week of our engagement, I had told FMIL that we were not having a wedding party (the only exception was my cousin, our ringbearer). Our excuse was wanting to keep it small/being a bridesmaid would be too expensive and stressful for everyone. She had to be told 3 times (the last time asking FI what was ‘wrong’ behind my back).
Honestly, now might be the time for some fast-track backing out. Would you be willing to drop the wedding party? Having someone who’s pushy about getting EVERYONE involved and making sure that NO feelings are hurt is just going to drown you. At least you can make it ‘fair’ by not including anyone.
Not having a wedding party is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. It took a lot of stress off of the wedding (at the end of the day, the officiant can always carry the rings, and the bride can just set her bouquet off to the side). But I realize this doesn’t work for every wedding.
I had to pester FMIL for addresses, and then I eventually told FI to do it. His mom, his family – his mom moved much faster for him than she ever did for me, too!
It sounds like your MIL needs some firm boundaries, though (is your FI backing you up on this?). With someone who wants places for everyone, and is going to fret about it, it might be easier to forego the whole thing.
Or, at least, stick to your guns and as a united front with your FI, tell her the wedding’s complete and it won’t be changing. Thanks. She may get hurt, she may pout – but as I’m learning during this process, you can’t make everyone happy at the expense of yourself.
Post # 4
@Megnolia: Not from FI’s mom (since she’s overseas) but from my own mom. I had to practice saying “no” early. It’s a lot easier now. I joke (but I’m totally serious) by telling my mom that we’re going to plan a vow renewal for my mom and dad for their 30 yr anniversary. She simply wants to make choices for every single detail.
“Use your step brother as an usher…tie something to the chairs to stop people from walking down the aisle to their seats…can your bridesmaid sing? she has a beautiful voice…demand to have your tasting earlier to include more detail on your invitations”
I wish people would realize that it’s YOU and YOUR FI’S day and it’s NOT about anyone else.
Post # 5
I didn’t even read your entire post and I had an answer for you. Your Mother-in-law has already had her wedding day already. This is your big day and it should be filled with people that you and your fiance want involved. I would politely tell her to back off and that the only persons feelings that are being hurt here are yours.
I’ve had a similar situations where my future father-in-law wanted some of his family invited to the wedding…6 ppl to be exact. My Man never talks to them and I have never even met them. We put our foot down and said no. We expressed that having a small wedding was important to us and that our day consists of people who we love and care about and that have been there for us as a couple. They didn’t like that but it’s not their day it’s ours.
Post # 6
@Megnolia: I think it’ll be tough to tell her what she needs to hear. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding day and you deserve to be happy. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the wedding of your dreams for her happiness.
She’s definitely being way too demanding. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for putting your foot down.