Post # 1
I don’t usually post but right now I feel like I could use some advise.
Just to give you some information: me and my FI are both in our twenties, we have been together for 5 years and living together for 3.
We got engaged in January but didn’t really tell anyone until now, when we decided that we have figured out our plans a little more. My mother knew and since we’re very close, we discussed many thing with her and she told us many times how happy she was for us etc.
We planned on telling my FI’s part of the family this weekend, as they have this family barbeque evening planned and we just wanted to let his parents know before others. Here’s the part that confuses me: his mother got upset and told us that she can’t imagine us getting married, lectured us on the cost of weddings until FI got so upset that we left. Her mother called later, didn’t apologize or congratulate us, just asked all kinds of questions like who will be invited and what venue do we have in mind etc.
Yesterday, however, she called again and this time started telling us how everything we had planned wasn’t good enough and how my ideas, our ideas were cheap and will look cheap and how we really should do it. She didn’t like any of the ideas: the date (we didn’t even have a specific date yet, just August 2014), the venue, the music and so on. She also kept saying that she knows better and mentioned several times that we should wait even longer.. She still hasn’t congratulated us or said a single nice thing about it.
I’m really sad, bees. Until now I thought we were rather close but now I feel like I don’t even want to see her. On top of everything, we got into a huge fight with FI because he doesn’t want to be in the middle of me and his mom, trying to make both happy but truthfully I feel like he should be on my side, because it’s our wedding..
I was very happy about the wedding but now I don’t even know what to do. I don’t want to have the “cheap” wedding anymore because she ruined the whole idea for me but I know we can’t afford something bigger and fancier..
Post # 3
That really sucks. I never understand why family can’t just be excited. It’s natural to be curious and to ask questions and even voice opinions, but you should never, EVER call someone’s ideas cheap. That’s way out of line on your FMIL’s part, and it sounds like she’s having some boundary issues.
But you shouldn’t let your FMIL dictate your wedding. You should absolutely do everything and only anything you and your fiance want. This sounds like a catalyst moment to me in forcing her to set boundaries with your relationship. I would stop mentioning wedding things to her and change the subject whenever she tries to bring it up. She will hopefully move past it if you give her time to adjust.
Don’t be too hard on your FI, though. I’m sure he does side with you; he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and he did get upset at his mother’s initial outburst. But it can be really hard to move into that full-adulthood relationship with a parent and to go against the wishes of someone that you sought for direction and advice your whole life until this point.
Post # 4
@tigerlily85: that is a really rough situation…I would say that weddings can be cheap and doable! Many of my favorite weddings were the ones with intimate touches that were made via DIY. His mother seems very distressed over something (whether it being her son finally getting married or her trying to live her dreams through you). Tell your FI that he doesn’t need to get in the middle but he does need to help you decide what to do. Best you can do if make a date to see you FMIL and discuss the wedding so that she can get he ideas out. Then you can either take some of her ideas or reject them all (at least you listened).
I hope things work out dear but remember it is YOUR wedding and choices can only be made by you and your FI
Post # 5
@tigerlily85: Screw her. She’s had her wedding and did it the way she wanted. Now it’s your turn to do it the way you want. If she wants to do something different, she can throw her own vow renewal or anniversary party, where she’s free to do whatever she wants.
Repeat this over and over to FI until he gets onside (you are 100% right, he should be siding with you). Then if it comes up again, the two of you (preferably him) say the above (minus my first sentence!) to his mother.