Post # 1
My original plans were to make my own wedding dress. I have a pretty specific idea on what I want and can’t find it anywhere. I’m looking for a tea length white dress with an off the shoulder lace neckline and can’t find one I like anywhere so I wanted to make one.
Well mom says she wants to take me dress shopping. Fair enough right? I am her only daughter after all. So I decide to change my ideas and make my reception dress what I want and let her pick out the ceremony dress. I told her this and she was happy.
Then FI’s mom, very very kindly offered me her wedding dress. Says it’s been in a box in the attic for 20+ years and she would like if I wore it. She of course told me I wasn’t at all obligated and she would understand if I didn’t want to but… I really want them to like me. I really want to make them happy. I really want to feel like I’m even more of his family (I love his family) on the wedding day and this dress could help that but…
My mom? What to do about that? And also… The heirloom dress (that she had hand made to her liking 20+ years ago) is 80’s style, when I’m looking for a more 50’s feel. Would it be ok to alter to my likings?
But the main question… She and I are about the same BMI but that’s about it. She’s about 5’4 and seems to weigh less than 100 pounds. I’m 5’9 and weigh at 130. Both of us are small framed to an extent but I have an hour glass figure… Would I alter the dress to fit me? Could I? Wouldn’t it be a little sad to the original dress owner to see her dress get cut up to fit someone else? Or do I nicely decline and accept my moms offer? Aaaah IDK what to do…
I’d be perfectly content in accepting this dress but the alterations I would want to have done, I don’t know if Future Mother-In-Law would be too comfortable with them and I don’t want to upset her… But I don’t want to upset mom either… What to do?!?!
Post # 3
You sure are having a doozy of a day, pinkgreenandyellow! Personally, (and esp. because she said no hard feelings about the dress), you should respectfully decline. Say that you are honored by her offer, but would like to be able to share the dress shopping experience with your mother and are looking for something with a different style, maybe even offer to include her in the dress shopping experience if that’d be ok with you/your mother. It’d be a bonding experience. If she doesn’t like you deep down because you won’t wear her dress, she’s got more problems than I can enumerate here.
Post # 4
I would at least go try it on, but don’t commit to anything until you’ve seen what it looks like on you. If it is too small in places it would be hard to alter, so it may not even be a problem at all. I would also let yourself think about it for a few days, and maybe invite your Future Mother-In-Law along to dress shopping if her dress doesn’t end up being something you want.
Post # 5
I agree with OP- I think it’d be okay to turn down the dress, saying that you guys have different body shapes, etc and invite her to the dress shopping expereience. Also, maybe you can ask her if you can borrow a braclet or necklace or something so that she still is involved with what you wear on your wedding day? Or maybe a veil?
Post # 6
Can you maybe respectfully decline, say you want your mom experience, but use some of the train to fashion a garter, or some kind of trim for your bouquet? Or maybe use a square foot to make a ring bearer pillow. SOMETHING that will be symbolic of her wedding, but not locking you into wearing the dress. Just chat with her about it. It’s not going to be offensive to run “what if” scenarios by her. She doesn’t have to agree, but it shows you are thinking to keep the tradition alive, if not add some flair to it.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I agree you should try it on at least- it probably won’t fit and you won’t have a problem!
Post # 8
I think it’s totally fine to decline. Say that you are touched by her offer, and that you are so excited to be a part of her family, but that you would feel bad having to cut up the dress to fit you, and that you don’t know if it would even be possible to do so without destroying it. Maybe have her come fabric shopping with you or something, so she continues to feel involved. If you do want to include the dress in some way (and she doens’t mind you picking at it a bit), you could take some lace, a decorative element, or some fabric from a not so obvious area and sew it onto your dress or include it in some way.
Post # 9
Could you maybe do two wedding dresses? Maybe do the one you want during the ceremony and pictures and wear your FMIL’s at the reception?
Just a thought–There is a way to politely decline her offer and tell her how much you love being a part of the family. However, you would like to go dress shopping with your mother. Maybe even invite her along for that 🙂
Post # 10
It is YOUR wedding, so do what YOU want! I am sure both your Mom and Mother-In-Law want you happy. Why use a 20+ year dress while you ahve one in mind that you love.
You are getting married just once (well that is what i hope for me…anyway…) so don’t do what other would like. Otherwise you will end up like those Mom’s in ‘toddlers and tiaras” that do with their kids what they wanted to do but didn’t… sorry maybe this is a guffy comparison…
Post # 11
@Pepperwoodsy: I agree with everything you said! Or…if she still has her veil and if you were planning on wearing one, you can offer to use that instead?
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
If FMIL’s dress fits, why not wear it for the rehearsal?