(Closed) Future “Monster” in Law?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Oh my… that sounds tough!

What is your FMIL like with your FI?

Post # 5
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

Your situation sounds very similar to one that I was in a years ago. My ex’s mother was exactly the same. I would try to have conversations with her but she was often short.  When I would go to their house she would always be on the computer and barely acknowledge that I had entered the room.  His dad was exactly the opposite and would always chat me up and even had a nickname for me. I did everything I could think of to try to get her to come around…sent flowers on mothers day, birthdays, anniversaries…you name it.  I often told the ex that I felt his mom didn’t like me but he’d always brush it off and say "she buys you stuff doesn’t she". They were pretty well off and I think that her buying me stuff was easier than getting to know me. (We were together for close to 4 years by the way) I often noticed that she was never affectionate with her husband…they never held hands, hugged, or even sat together. I also never heard her tell her kids that she loved them. When she left notes instead of saying Love Mom, or Mom she would simply sign C. I came to the conclusion that she just wasn’t a warm person and was unhappy. But she also had catty remarks….we were planning to go to colorado and were going to take a side trip to go camping and she said something along the lines of it being our "honeymoon".  Everything came to a head one New Years Eve when she very publicly yelled not so nice things at me at the country club.  It hurt my feelings so much that I decided I could not be in a relationship where I knew his mother did not like me without a doubt.  After we broke up her and her husband got a divorce.  I realized that she was indeed unhappy and obviously didn’t want anyone else around her to be happy either.

Whew! Ok sorry that was so long, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one to go through something like that.  My advice is give her some time to come around. Perhaps going through a divorce and having a son getting married is making her feel like her family is falling apart and she could possibly blame you for taking her son away. I know that sounds crazy but some Moms are like that with their sons. Or maybe since her own marriage has failed has made her lose her faith in love. Whatever the case she sounds pretty unhappy. If I were you I would continue to make small talk and hope that she loosens up. If she doesn’t then I would only deal with her when it was absolutely necessary…like holidays. Nothing says that you have to be BFF with your FMIL.

Post # 6
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

That’s a very good point about her feeling you’re taking sides. Or she could just be immature and feel jealous that he gives you attention.

Post # 7
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yikes, that is definitely an awkward situation! It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to bridge the gap that exists between you but she’s having none of it. I’m sure I’d react the same way in your situation!

If it were me, I’d probably have to mention it simply because I mention just about everything that bothers me to my FI. Eventually it would drive me to the point that I’d feel compelled to blurt it out to him anyway.

Does your FI seem to notice your FMIL’s behavior towards you at all? Do you think he’d be offended if you brought it up?

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like she has decided to give you the silent tratment!  I googled "silent treatment" and "daughter in law" and found this article:
http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/SilentTreatment.html

I have no idea if the article is on point or not… is this the sort of thing that she did with the ocean scenery?

I have seen mother-in-laws give the "silent treatment" to daughter-in-laws, or son-in-laws, when their child is not in the room, completely ignoring them, and then when their child walks back in the room, all of a sudden they will start talking to the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, being very friendly, as if just five seconds ago they had not been giving them the silent treatment. This is so their child will think that their parent likes their spouse. And then when the spouse tries to tell their mate what REALLY happened while they were out of the room, meaning they were completely ignored by the family member, their spouse does not believe them. This is just one example of how the silent treatment can work.

Post # 11
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@mrbee: Wow, that’s sounds almost SINISTER. As if the FMIL is making an effort to drive some kind of wedge between the couple? Very underhanded!

Post # 12
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@ticachica: You are definitely not alone on THAT one! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "I think you’re reading into this" or "I think you’re taking this too seriously"!!!

Post # 15
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

@TicaChica:  It was pretty awful but in hindsight I can see that she was starting all kinds of drama for no reason. She was a miserable person to be around.  Thankfully I’ve found the ONE and we’ve been together for almost 2 years…and he jokes that his mom likes me more than she does him. The ring should be coming anytime soon!! If I were you I would say something to the FI. But bring it up in a non-confrontational way so he doesn’t get defensive about his mom. Maybe if you say something he’ll notice the way she treats you and take the initiative to say something to her about it. Best of wishes and good luck!

Post # 16
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I would DEF talk to your FH about her.  He needs to know how you feel!  And you don’t need to overextend yourself.  If she’s uninterested, then don’t bother.  She’ll either come around on her own or not.  Hang in there!

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