Post # 1
I honestly don’t even know where to start with this post, as this struggle has gone on a long 4 & 1/2 years. My future mother in law and I get along most of the time, however when it comes to my fiance’ she can’t seem to let go and let him live his life, and thats where things get rocky. The best example of this is her latest suggestion. We’re getting married young (we’ll both be 21 on the big day), and we’re paying for the wedding ourselves. One of her major concerns is affording being on our own after the big day. I understand this concern, and it’s not something we’re just blowing off. However, she suggested that we stay in the living situation we’re in now after we get married, both living at our parents homes seperately (whats the point of even being married, right!?).
She also seems to have control issues over the wedding (which she’s not contributing financially to). A couple weeks ago we got into a heated debate because she told me I couldn’t serve alcohol at our wedding because there are former addicts attending our reception (herself being one of them) and that we didnt have to conform to what society said we had to have at our wedding. I told her that while I appreicate her input, it’s something we would like to serve wine and beer at our wedding.
These are just a few examples of her control issues, and I’m so close to the breaking point! I know I need to stay calm, but how do I get her to back off and let us live our lives?
I dont want a rocky relationship with my mother in law, but I also don’t want to start our relationship with her beliving it’s okay to control how we live.
Have any of you bee’s had to handle a similar situation?
Post # 3
Okay so take a deep breathe, and count to ten, heck make it 50. Hugs..and sorry your going through this. Sometimes its hard for moms to let go of their sons, that being said I dont agree that you all should continue you living situation after your married, as you pointed out whats the point of being married if your not going to live together.
As for former addicts and recovering alcoholics. That is there problem. You and your FI are paying for your wedding so she has no say so. A compromise might be that you serve some non alcoholic beer or sparkling cider to those who can not partake in the drinks.
You wont be able to monitor everyone and you shouldnt have too. If they dont have enough sense to stay away from their addictions they really arent ready to attend a wedding. Im not saying you shouldnt invite your FMIL but you need to be firm in your resolve and also ask FI to help make her understand that you and he are making all decisions with the wedding and that her suggestions are appreciated but that you mean to begin and you intend to go on.
Im lucky, my FMIL hates me so bad she isnt making a single suggestion for our wedding. She keeps hoping I will drop dead before the date even gets here.
Post # 4
I’m sure your relationship will grow and be better with her over time. If not, I guess you just have to do your best to live with it. I personally couldn’t marry a man whose family I didn’t get along with but that’s just me.
I do have to agree with her and I think she has a legitimate concern that you guys should ensure you are financially sound to be able to live alone after the wedding. I know my 21 year old bf and I couldnt have had we gotten married. I don’t think it’s a good start to a marriage to be living each with your own parents separately.
Post # 5
Stop talking to her about any of this. Do not discuss the wedding. Do not discuss your financial life. None of these things are any of her business.
If she tries to engage you on these, politely change the subject. “You don’t have to worry about that…did you get a change to catch the olympics last night?” “We already have things taken care of…gee this bean dip is fantastic, don’t you think?”
Post # 6
I would never be able to marry someone whose family I didn’t get along with, really its only a matter of time until that drama would cause the man to choose between his wife and his family, or the family ultimately causing problems in the marriage.
OP: Im sorry your in this situation, I agree it would be silly to get married and then live separately. The two of you need to sit down with his mother and address what the real issues are.
Post # 7
you are not living separately after you are married, then why would you even get married. I thought you were going to say she was going to suggest you BOTH live under her roof-still not a good idea but thats where i thought this was going- that would have irked me that she said it. Do you and FI have plans to get a place together after you are married, will you be able to afford it. Again not ideal, do any family members have like basement apartments that might be cheaper and you can pay rent to live there? Idk this is a toughie 🙁
Post # 8
This sucks! The great thing here is you guys do have positive aspects to your relationship. The one thing you haven’t metion is your Fi’s reaction to her. He needs to the main one to rein mom in, he needs to have big talk about boundaries and her realizing you guys are grown ups. Certain things you should automatically defer to her son, for example bring up living situation tell her to speak to your Fi about it. He shoud have a firm response and let her know you two have made choice and the topic is up for discussion.
I think providng a united front and letting him be firmly in the drivers seat will mean she will have to listen and she can’t place blame for things on you. This is a transitional time for everyone and given your age the fact both of you are living at home it will be a little tougher. Have boundaries and strong backbone, with a little compassion and understanding that she needs to adjust her thinking. You guys can set the tone for your future relationship with her and both set of parents. Hopefully once wedding over and married life has started, those things will fade to the background.
Post # 9
“That’s what we’ve decided.” “Thanks, I’ll think about that. We’ll let you know what we decide.” Repeat, with a smile, which ever one of those works better, over and over until she gets the hint. But be firm now – you don’t want her thinking she can control you later.
Post # 11
I broke up with an Ex beacuse he was too big a momas boy and had this issue-
So I say good luck
Post # 12
@MrsWBS: The weird thing is that we get along perfectly fine, until it comes to something about my FI moving out. She’s started to play the blame game, so he feels to bad to say anything to her about it.
@AshleyNicole9138: We are planning on living on our own after our wedding. We’ve calculated our expenses, and determined we have enough to live on plus about a $200 extra a month to save or have for “just in case”. I know $200 extra isn’t a lot to begin with, but because we are young any more than that would be unrealistic to expect from us. Her idea of financially stable is unrealistic, we wouldn’t be “financially stable” by her expectations until we were 30, and thats only if we have high paying jobs.
@TwoCityBride: Any tips on how to GET my FI to stick up to his mom? She uses the blame game a lot, and he feels bad. She also has a tendency to yell at him before he even can get his say in, and if he has a vaild point, he’s still wrong. He’s gotten to the point where he just sits there as she yells at him, tuning most of it out. I wouldn’t want to put up with that either, but something has to be done.
Thanks for your input ladies! I just keep trying to stay as calm as possible, it’s hard though. It’s just so different from how my mom is, and it’s really hard to get used to.
Post # 13
My future MIL and FIL are *kind* of like this too. They like to make all the big choices and have us follow them. Honestly, the best suggestion I can give you is to follow something that my BFF (and MOH) does when people make counter-suggestions.
She says (in a very tactful, kind, smiling way) “Okay, that is a wonderful suggestion and I really appreciate your input, but this is what we’re going to do (has been decided, has been already planned,etc.)” It seems to work a lot better than arguing, fighting, or trying to explain why.
I’ve used it when my my FMIL bought the UGLIEST FAVORS ahead of time and insisted we use them because they were “sooo cute” and when my FFIL tried to get a giant fish ice sculpture for our recpetion venue. (Idk what he was thinking with that one)
It may not solve all the issues, but it’s a pleasant way to resolve the wedding-butting-in.
Post # 14
I’m still struggling with this! I’ve asked her for a guest list about 20 times because we want to send out save the dates in a few weeks. I told her I understand it’s still 6 months but she has to have some kind of an idea of who she wants to invite! She told me to just give her the save the dates and she’ll make sure they get to the right people. What?! This makes no sense!! Why wouldn’t she just tell me who so I can make sure to include them in our count? I just keep getting more and more frustrated and moving as far away as possible is looking amazing right about now!