Post # 1
This is a really hard post for me to write, I feel like I have the weirdest dilemma, I am sure it could be worse but bare with me. The Future In Laws arent bad people at all, just different. When me and Mr. J 1st got engaged they were very quiet about the whole thing didnt really expess any emotion about it… then as months started going by they asked us to meet with them about wedding stuff. We thought they wanted to be involved… sadly they did not. They expressed how as the Grooms family they werent involved in anyway and didnt have to do a thing (i dont think some support was that much to hope for) and demanded we put 1 of my FI’s sisters in the wedding- he has 2 but just THE ONE had to be in it. My FI was amazing and completely stood up for us and said how they couldnt demand such things, things cooled off and they later agreed to give us a little bit of money for the traditional things the grooms family is supposed to pay for (not really a nice thing when they dont offer it with love). Anyway I am not saying they are obligated to pay for anything, money is not the issue at hand really -its primarily their actions. They arent remotely involved in anything that has to do with our wedding nor do they ask. When we try and get them involved it doesnt go over at all. IE: brought desserts for them to taste and his mother threw a fit b/c they were better than her cake?
Anyway so here is where i stand… I sent his mother an email just offering my help if she needed it for Future Sister in Law’s shower (FI’s brother is getting married too) so i was just trying to be helpful even though i knew she wasnt going to throw her a shower. Way weird, but apparently his family has never heard of the grooms side throwing a shower so they didnt want to do it for either of their soon to be daughters in law so ianyways…. i was just trying to show her i would help if thats what she was worried about and of course she blatently inored my question. So today i get a text on my phone from her stating " email me dates for a shower, sat. or sund. thanks" i am guessing this is for me, or maybe the future sil? weirdness…
is it just me or is this really impersonal? I am completely baffled by this woman!!! I feel like she truly doesnt care about me and isnt supporting our marriage… I dont know if i should tell my FI how i feel, i have brought up certain instances but for the most part he makes excuses for her. Just really unsure of what to do when i feel like she isnt genuine at all? Help – what would you do?
I may have rambled a bit, if you need me to clarify let me know, i gets confusing!
Post # 3
A lot can be lost in text messages and e-mails so I would either text her back or call her back and say "Saturday sounds good for FSIL’s shower" and see what she says.
A lot of parents like to be hands off and not give much input or say anything when asked..This is the case for my in-laws as well. They mean well, though…So I’m hoping I can give your in-laws the benefit of the doubt that they want you to do what you see fit and they don’t want to end up throwing a wedding for them. They want you to enjoy it..
I hope. 🙂 Speak to your DF (dear fi, heeh) and see what he says. Let him know that it’s making you feel a certain way (negatively) and that you’re not sure how to approach the situation so you were hoping he could speak with them or offer some advice.
This is how I found out the reasons why my in-laws were so stand-offish..Which in Chinese culture is huge because it usually means they don’t like the future daughter-in-law! It turns out they didn’t want to make us feel pressured to do anything we didn’t want to do. HTH
Post # 4
MILs are a scary thing. It sounds like you don’t want finacial support from them; just support (helping taste cake for example!). Maybe she is having issues about "losing" her two boys all at once. Maybe she is just trying to stay out of your way by not being involved. (Something I wish my MIL would do just a bit.)
I’m not much help, but I think you just need to try your best to not take any of this personally and sidestep any argument. They will be your family much longer than your wedding day and it is important to not start your marriage with your in-laws upset!
Post # 5
Oh jhearta – I REALLY feel your pain. I know what you mean for the most part. My FIL’s seem to be great, but they haven’t really participated or wanted to be involved, I think cuz they’re not paying for it. Their only comments are about things being too expensive (and they DO have a lot more money than my parents, btw.
Is it tradition for the groom’s side to throw the bride a shower? If so, I don’t think that’s happening either. I was really down about the fact they weren’t really involved. But after one shopping excursion with the FFIL – I was GLAD they aren’t too involved. I’d rather not have any of their input after all.
I wouldn’t really bring it up with the IL’s or even FI if it’s not too big of a deal. He knows how his parents are and their idiosyncracies. It’s just something we have to accept marrying into someone else’s family. As I told my FI – "you better be nicer to my family then" cuz I think that’s who’ll support us the most. hth.
Post # 6
JHeartA I feel your pain!!! I completely agree with haslehand and the fact that FMIL feels like she’s losing her sons instead of gaining 2 daughters, unfortuantely I don’t have any advice as to how to overcome this as she also has 2 daughters of her own. I am eager to hear what other bee’s advice is on how to win someone over who feels like you’re taking her son. I’m sad for you…and me…and every other bride to be that has this issue. Stay close to your family and to your FSIL who is probably going through the same thing.
Post # 7
jhearta you are not alone!
Throughout my 3 year engagement with DH my MIL was awesome. She and I became very close and then a week before the wedding she started to reject having any contact with me and didnt even look me in the eye on our wedding day and just hid away crying most of the reception! It was so bizarre!
My advice is try not to take it personally. It really is not about you but as the other wise commenters have said its probably about losing her son/s. I know it hurts but just try to do your part to continue be a good daughter in law and they will come around when they see you’re not in this to take their son away from them.
I made sure my DH spent lots of time with his mum even though we were just newlyweds and this helped her cheer up alot.
Post # 8
Oh ish – what a icky situation to be in. I totally get where you’re baffeled and wondering WTH? Unfortuantly it doens’t sound like with some talking to she will come around either, it seems to be a personaity flaw to me.
FH sounds AWESOME about it though, don’t you wonder how people like that can produce such a fab guy?? I’ve wondered that about other boyfriends parents before.
Clarify the dates situation and let her know reaching you is eaiser on e-mail, maybe that will help. She seems a little emotionally diconnected all together. Has she been like this about everything. Does she maybe just feel taped out money wise because the other gal is getting married and they didn’t want you to think they could afford to hand that over too?
I wish I could help more, hang in there!!! HUGS!
Post # 9
Ugh, FMILs. I actually really like mine, and I believe that she likes me. But she goes back and forth between really glad that I’m marrying her boy and going to mother his kids – with a huge list of things about they I really need to fix – and being pretty standoffish. I just try to roll with it – be polite, and nice enough. It would be nice to get along, but it sounds like you mostly do – after all, its not like they are refusing to come to the wedding or anything like that. You don’t say how long you have known her, or whether your FI can offer any insight as to why she behaves the way she does. Try to remember that you don’t actually have to be best friends with her, and don’t knock yourself out trying to be. I think that sometimes we expect FMILs to be more like our moms – and of course, they’re not (our moms, that is). I would guess that over time you will have a more comfortable, and maybe even a better relationship with her. I just wouldn’t expect it to happen overnight.
Maybe you could talk to FSIL and see what her experience has been? If you think that would help.
Post # 10
i would also suggest talking to the FSIL. if she has had a similiar experience, then you might chalk it up to her particular quirks and let it go.
if FSIL is having a different experience, then the issue lies within the dynamic of your relationship. So I would talk to the FH about it. let him know how you feel. make him aware so he can help come up with a way to cope with his mother.
Post # 11
I completely sympathize! I too, have issues with my in-laws (although it is the opposite of your situation–they are very critical but are offering no financial assistance). I have been trying to make the best of the situation and just hoping that it is the wedding process that is bring out this behavior. I decided that some things were not worth fighting with my FI or my in-laws about. It sounds like you are getting support from your family and I would look to friends as well. I am sure your bridesmaids would love to throw you a shower, for instance. Anyway, good luck and know that people here support you!
Post # 12
Oh girl, I feel you.
It sounds EXACTLY like my FMIL situation. You’re in Orange County, too? So am I!
I’m having to deal with such drama. If you evern need support or someone to talk to, drop me a line here. I may be able to give you some ideas with situations I’ve had to deal with.
Best of luck to you!