(Closed) Future-Mother-In-Law hijacking wedding cake!

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Maybe you could have a traditional wedding cake in whatever flavors you choose, and then a grooms cake or side cake in the puerto rican rum flavor?  Your FMIL sounds like she’s just assumed that’s the flavor you two are going with, because it’s traditional.  It’s always hard to go against tradition but if you don’t want that cake style, say so! It’s your wedding, your cake.

Post # 4
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Could you possible have a smaller “Grooms cake” as well that is the traditional rum cake (if that’s not what you want as your wedding cake)? That way she and her family could be appeased, but you still have the cake you want.

Post # 6
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think there are two separate issues here.  One is about cake, the other is about your FMIL’s intervention.

I think you need to talk to your husband about both.  It sounds like this particular kind of cake is important not only to her, but to him.  And it sounds like you understand and respect their reasoning.

But the way your FMIL has made this demand request is another story.  Can you somehow explain to your FI that while you understand and support their wish for this cake, it is the way his mother is demanding requesting it that is making you uncomfortable?  It is really up to him to deal with her.  Maybe if HE reassured her that he had input into the cake process and it was under control, she’d let up.

Could you perhaps do the cake they want as a groom’s cake and have whatever cake you were already planning on as a wedding cake?  Would that be an acceptable compromise?

Post # 7
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I would thank her for her suggestions and go ahead with what I was already planning. If your fiance has suddenly become genuinely interested in that flavour, maybe make it a groom’s cake or a tier of your cake. But I wouldn’t give in on the whole thing.

Post # 8
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

First off, call the bakery she made the appointment at and let them know you’re not coming if you don’t intend to show up. 

You get the cake where you and your FI want, not where she wants. She’s not paying, so she has NO SAY.

Post # 9
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think the grooms cake being in that flavor is brilliant!

Post # 10
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Personally, I would get the cake that you and fiance want then have your fiance deal with her.

You could  have a “faux cake” (a cake with one real layer you cut into and the rest is styrofoam covered with frosting). Have sheet cakes in the back for guests in the traditional PR cake, something you love, and maybe another option. 

I totally get why you’re upset about the tone. My MIL does something very similar when she wants her way, but she does it in a very passive persistent way. If you tell her what she doesn’t want to hear she turns on the sadness.

Post # 10
Member
46160 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes I think weddings were invented to teach young people how to stand up to their relatives.

I would just plaster a smile on my face, thank her for her research and tell her that we hadn’t made a decision yet and would let her know when we did.

You will also need to communicate to your FI that your wishes and dreams for your wedding cake also need to be taken into consideration. Compromise is also one of the lessons that we alll need to learn at some time.

The easy way out of course, is to have a small groom’s cake to honor his (and more importantly-his mother’s heritage).

Here’s a link where one of the responses gives some history to how the Peurto Rican wedding cake came about:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080208104157AAbNhkx

Post # 11
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@futuremrshc:  Normally, I’d agree that she has no say, but it seems a small compromise to have this cake as a groom’s cake or as one tier of the wedding cake if it will keep peace in the extended family.  I think you have to pick your battles and this is probably one that isn’t worth fighting, though I agree that really FMIL has no say in it.

Post # 15
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

All the bees said exactly what I was thinking and go the route of using her idea for a grooms cake.  I think that would work out wonderfully.  She gets her PR rum cake and you get the wedding cake you envisioned.

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