Post # 1
I’ve been with my fiancé for over 7 1/2 years, we finally got engaged in May. His mother always makes me feel like what I do isn’t good enough from my choice in Laundry detergent to how I pack his work lunches and dinner etc. Her way is “always the best”. Tonight she really hurt my feelings. I’m 26 and naturally really thin framed. I’m 5’5 and I weigh 110-112lbs and I have barely a B cup breast size. I also have Ulcerative Colitis so it is hard for me to put on a lot of weight. Tonight she made the remark to me her words “you need to gain weight and grow some boobs so you can actually fill a wedding dress” and then she started laughing with his little sister. His mother and sisters all have DDs and here I am with basically a boy’s body. My breast size has always been an insecurity for me.
One time a few years back I even walked in (they didn’t know I was there yet) on his mom and oldest sister asking him if it bothers him that my breast are so small. His response was (thankfully) “I like them the way they are. At least she’ll never have to worry about being saggy and old looking”.
Back to the subject. This constant nagging and bullying from her makes me feel turned off tonight for even thinking about getting married . I’m going to look at a wedding dress with my mom and aunt on Tuesday and I’m not even going to tell her because she’ll have something negative to say about it. She also wants to plan my wedding her way and even cried and threw a fit to my future father-in-law when we said we want a laid back bbq style wedding.
Im so frustrated makes me not even want to get married anymore. Fiancé is on his way home from work. He wasn’t here when she said that tonight. Whenever I have expressed my concerns he just responds with “just ignore her. You know how she is”
I don’t know what to do with her… Do I really want her to try controlling my life the rest of my life? Help 🙁
Post # 2
Oh Bee, that is so horrible and I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult FMIL during what should be a happy time in your life.
I’m sure that without a doubt you’re going to look AMAZING on your wedding day. Your fiance chose you over thousands of women! He has eyes only for you!
Your FMIL and FSILs could just be jealous over your realtionship, if not your body itself.
Perhaps be more stern with your feelings towards your fiance and ask for his help instead of him strugging if off?? I know it’s an annoying conversation but at least one that might help. I know standing up to your FMIL isn’t exactly the easiest thing, but it is your wedding and not hers!
We all have our insecurities! And we all look beautiful on the day that matters!
Post # 3
gardener09 : Don’t let anyone steal your joy. Your FI needs to shut them down firmly. Google “DWIL nation” for more support – it looks like a “baby” site but there is terrific advice on dealing with in-laws. Wishing you strength.
Post # 4
Asking her own son about his fiance’s boobs is so beyond icky and creepy. I’m sorry bee. I personally would limit all contact with her to the absolute minimum and make sure FI understands fully how you feel and how to support you.
Post # 5
gardener09 : It must be really hard to hear criticism like that all the time. Do you live with them? I’m trying to figure out why they were around and your fiance wasn’t. If I were in your position, I would spend as little time as possible with them, especially if he’s not even there.
Post # 6
Cut her off next time she starts this cap with a stern “lady you need to mind your own f-ING business!*
She can plan her own daughter”s wedding when the time comes. Thus is YOUR wedding!
Tell FI to have a private talk with her and sternly let her know this stops now or she is out of the wedding and he and you will no longer be visiting or welcome her into your home.
She is doing this because she is getting away with it. You both need to call he r out.
Post # 7
Have you ever tried speaking up when she says something hurtful?
- Give a direct response to acknowledge that a comment is rude and to stop it in its tracks. For instance, “That was mean. Please stop.”
- Don’t get defensive — concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, “I’m tired today. How have you been?”
- Rudeness seeks to make others feel child-like and weak, so counter a biting statement with the tone of a reprimanding parent, like “If you have nothing nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.”
Post # 8
What??? Is this supposedly grown ass woman really trying to bully you about your cup size? Is this middle school? Is she overweight? It could be that she’s jealous of your slim figure.
That is absolutely terrible, but if it’s any consolation, there’s something very wrong with her. I’d ignore her as best I could (I know it’s hard!) and just try to accept that she’s crazy and terrible.
At least your fiance has no trouble putting her in her place, which puts you in a better situation than 90% of the bees with awful mothers-in-law.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
The “that’s just how she is” comment makes me furious. Next time your FI says that, tell him that you are not going to stand for her rudeness and bullying, and “that’s just how I am.” He needs to know in no uncertain terms that he has to stand up for YOU, the woman he has chosen to marry, against his awful mother. Pre-marital counselling might be helpful for the two of you.
You also need to lay down boundaries – next time she says or asks something obnoxious, call her out. Say “why would you say that?” and watch her struggle for an answer. If she does it when your FI is out of the room, when he comes back, say “honey, your mom just asked me xxxx. What do you think about that?”. He’ll soon realise that he needs to have your back.
Post # 10
I would keep all interactions with her to a minimum and ask your FI to intervene anytime she starts in on you.
She also might not really “see” herself and her behavior. It’s possible that she thinks she’s just an “honest” or “blunt personality and doesn’t realize that her behavior is bullying.
As a PP said, her commenting on your breast size to her son is inappropriate and it was nice that your FI stood up for you but she really needs to get the point that messing with you, period, is off limits.
I don’t know how to tell you what to do about it, though, because if you’re not really a confrontational person (and she’s a walking talking confrontation) it’s hard to find a reliable course of action that you can use whenever she opens her mouth other than walking away or telling her to stop and then walking away if she continues.
She seems like she’s simultaneously overly familiar yet doesn’t seem to know you very well.
Post # 11
I would ask her why she was so obsessed with my breasts.
Also sorry but I find your FI’s response to her pretty weird. Why talk about saggy boobs instead of just going wtf Mom?
Post # 12
Such good advice . Simply saying ” What do you mean” Or “why do say/think that?” and of course , saying “FI , what does your mum mean ” I( in front of her ) is a great ploy.
Personally I have to say I’m not crazy about your FI’s ‘they won’t get old and saggy ‘response., I can see he meant well, but it’s not the point. The inappropriateness of the whole thing is the point . Plus we are all going to get old and saggy at some point , and shouldn’t use women’s body types as insults ( even if they are awful women ! )
Post # 13
I kind of understand his response to his mom about your breasts. It’s not the perfect response but going “WTF mom” would just make her convinced that he is secretly diasppointed.
Post # 14
KiwiDerbyBride : +1. And OP, just based on what you posted here, I suspect that when you do call her out and ask why she said that, she’ll say she was just kidding. Don’t back down. Say “well I didn’t find that funny, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t joke like that in the future.”
Post # 15
Look her straight in the eye next time she makes a boob comment, smile, and say “well at least mine don’t rest on my knees when I sit down” give her a once over and walk away.
F that asshole. Your fiancé should stand up for you.