Future mother-in-law is always hurting my feelings

posted 1 week ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

gardener09 :  As somebody that has a very diffficult relationship with my fiance’s family, my advice is never stoop down to their level. Always take the high road, and minimize contact. And tell your fiance that he needs to stand up to his family – those comments are completely inappropriate, and they shouldn’t be ignored. But, this is something he should battle out with his mother and sister on his own. Sorry OP, family drama sucks – I know. But don’t make other people’s bad behavior convince you to walk away from the person you love. 

Post # 17
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee

I have a MIL like this. She drove me flipping nuts, made me cry and infuriated me numerous times. Until I literally just stopped giving a shit. She says rude stuff and I roll my eyes, laugh inside and walk away or change the subject. 

My husband is a bit like your fiance in the sense that he says to just ignore her. He does stand up for me when it’s really out of line though. If she asked about my boobs, my husband would probably just look at her, say what the fuck? and walk away. 

You genuinely can’t change people. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself and your reactions. Some people just won’t ever get it. No matter how many times your husband tells your mom to knock it off, that’s how she is. Even though she is mean sometimes, I am sure he still loves her…because that’s his mom! If you end up giving her a big ultimatium “be nice or we wont see you ever again!” you are just asking for drama. I’d advise against that. 

If my MIL told me to grow some boobs, instead of being hurt or upset, I would probably just say “I’m sorry? Did you just tell me to grow boobs??” laugh and walk away. Go get a glass of water, go to the bathroom, sit in a different room (not walking away to pout, maybe go find someone else to talk to). And I avoid being in any 1-1 situations with my MIL at all costs. I find she’s somewhat more reserved in front of more people. 

Post # 18
Member
4309 posts
Honey bee

gardener09 :  These women seem oddly fixated on breast size. My guess is that they don’t have much going for them and so have built this up into being a Major Asset. It’s as petty and childish as that old Dr. Suess story The Star-Bellied Sneeches. Unfortunately they seem to build themselves up by taking you down a notch. Says a lot about their character. 

What you need to focus on is your fiance, because I’ve seen too many threads on this site where a family member has been allowed to be a passive-aggressive bully or unreasonably entitled because it’s just easier to let them get away with it than confront them. So likely your fiance has looked the other way for years, letting things go he shouldn’t let go. But he owes you more loyalty than that.

It is AWFUL to tell someone their body size/shape/type won’t look good in a wedding dress. It’s inappropriate AF for your FMIL to ask about or comment on your breasts. Not to mention all the countless comments that add up into a pattern of behaviour of making you try to feel bad. And throwing a tantrum because you’re not having the wedding she wants?!?! Your fiance needs to stop doing what’s easiest for him and start doing what’s loyal to you. 

Bottom line: He’s allowing people to treat you disrespectfully and instead of confronting them and taking a firm stance that this stops now, he’s wanting you to not take it so seriously, it’s just how she is etc….because that’s what’s least stressful for him even if it’s hurtful to you. That’s actually very selfish of him and rather spineless. You need to tell him what you’ve told us, how much this IS affecting you, to the point it’s affecting your happiness and well-being and giving you a bleak outlook of a future of more of the same from them. 

Post # 19
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this! She sounds very petty and honestly, is probably upset that her “darling boy” has a new #1 woman! Some MILs seem to have a really hard time letting their “little boys” have adult relationships and build a new family. The boob comment is especially weird. For some great support, check out the reddit “justnoMIL”. Those ladies have seen it all and have great advice! 

 

For rude comments, I always find it effective to embarrass them. “Wow, you must be so embarrassed you just said that out loud.” “I don’t understand, could you please explain xyz?” And watch them stutter. 

Post # 20
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

OP, I feel so bad for you.  Nothing is going to change until your FI stands up to them.

My best friend is going through something similar.  She dated her husband for around 4 years before they got engaged.  Before their engagement, her FMIL was really nice and seemed to like my friend, but once they announced their engagement, it was like a lightswitch was flipped.

My friend couldn’t do anything right but she was also afraid to stand up for herself.  She tried ignoring the comments and would vent to me.  I told her her then FI needed to say something; his response was to ignore it that he can’t change what his mom says.

They got married and things got a whole lot worse once she became pregnant.  Her MIL commented constantly on how much weight she was putting on and policed everything she ate.  Once she did have the baby, then the comments turned to why hasn’t she lost the baby weight.  My friend started standing up for herself, only to be called “too sensitive”.  Her husband did nothing and said maybe his mom is right, that she is too sensitive.

My friend finally reached her breaking point and one day went to her parents with the baby.  She told her husband she wanted a separation.  It was only after she left and he saw what he was about to lose that he did start standing up for her.  They’re now in counseling and I think it’s going to take a long time for them to get on track, if they can.  They had to set up boundaries – they used to see the ILs all the time (like a few times a week) to now maybe once a month.  Of course the MIL is having a fit with this, but her son is finally standing up to her.  It came out in counseling that she would make comments to her own son when he was younger, like about his weight and how his brother was a better athlete, so in their case, there were some deep seeded issues with him to begin with, and he is also going to a counselor by himself to work on being more assertive with his mom.

In my friend’s case, the damage may already be done. In your case OP, if your FI starts standing up for you, there may be hope.  Otherwise, there is no way I would subject myself to a lifetime of criticism.

Post # 21
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

She’s a rude, classless woman to even mention your breast size. How dare she! Call her out. And, I agree with others that your fiancé needs to stand up for you. 

She’s a bully. 

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