Post # 1
preface; I am having my wedding in florida, where i live, where FI lives, where F-MIL lives.
I knew I wasn’t ever going to have my wedding in my hometown, and knew that if I decided to do it in Florida, that I knew planning a wedding in FL I wouldn’t have my mother by my side to help.
Meanwhile, F-MIL is so caught up in her other son’s drama, her brother’s drama. And everyone else’s drama that she hasn’t ever offered to help (well she offered to have one thing, but then withdrew her offer…bc she was too stressed). She is too stressed, has lost all concentration on the wedding, hasn’t asked about anything except her RSVPs.
She constantly calls the FI and emails me about all her stress…MEANWHILE it stresses me out 100%. I am almost comtemplating saying something to her in a nice way. But today the straw that broke the camels back…I will see her Saturday, and any advice to break it to her nicely.??
I am about to explode, and last thing i want to do is explode on her.
I am carrying too much weight, and although I know it…but I need to break it to her nicely…that if she doesn’t have anything to offer, don’t involve me in the drama that my wedding date is causing…UGHHHHHHHH
(sorry have to vent)
Post # 3
Do you have any examples of what she’s done that is stressing you out so much?
Post # 4
What types of things is she doing?
Post # 5
1. gave me the wrong addresses (+ wrong spelling of names and last names) for her guest list….she decided to use yellow pages rather than contact individuals and get current address, etc. (no big deal, resent all the six of the ones returned although didn’t have extra envelopes and already had everything calligraphies….stuck it in an orange ugly envelope and resent…..)
2. her other son is having custody issues with her grandkids. They aren’t sure they are coming to the wedding (which is sad, but fine…it is what it is). She booked them tickets already, and is upset that she booked them and what if she lost all her money.
3. FI’s Aunt and Uncle lost their RSVP card, and so she emailed us on their behalf that the Aunt and her three kids are coming, but Aunt and Uncle got into a fight and the Uncle is still not sure (not much of an RSVP if you ask me, but whatever…so She is basically telling me I should follow up with Uncle (great thanks for adding another thing on my to do list).
4. We need to have something on Friday night for the family, she offered her house but then withdrew and said too much is going on. I agreed and said it was fine (hoping she would still offer to help plan it—-my expectations are too high).
5. do i have to go on?
is this petty sh*t, or am i just way overwhelmed??
Post # 6
@notintoplanning: I think you’re over reacting a little bit. If she’s under a great deal of stress as well you need to cut her some slack. Other peoples’ lives don’t get put on hold just because there’s a wedding to plan. And at least she was trying to help (with getting the addresses). I would just let it go and remind yourself that you are bothed stressed right now.
Post # 7
yeh i hear ya.
It’s just she is dragging her stress into my life.
I guess i am over reacting.
Post # 8
While some of the things you mentioned she is going through are stressful for her, I think you have a right to be somewhat upset. Your wedding date is fast approaching and your stress level is already high. Since her contacting you is stressing you, maybe politely tell her that you yourself are also stressed out and if she can refrain from adding to that stress by constantly unloading on you until the wedding is over, then that would be a big help.
I wouldn’t blow up on her because some of her reasons sound like legit reasons for her to be stressed, though I must admit, I would’ve probably been super irritated if someone just got me addresses out of the yellow pages. I can do that myself thanks, I wanted you to contact your family for me so I knew for sure they would be correct.
Good luck. Relax, remember it will all be worth it in the end.
Post # 9
I can see how her actions are stressing you out when you have a full plate yourself!
I read her actions this way: she trusts you enough to tell you what’s going on in her life and with your FI’s family. She must think you’re a level headed/ smart girl since you’re pulling together your weding yourself.
Ask your FI for help in contacting relatives on his side, you shouldn’t have to do that and break up the remaining tasks into managable smaller to-dos. Maybe invite FMIL for an afternoon of wedding activity to “distract” her from what else is going on.
Post # 10
Thanks for seeing my side a little. I really do appreciate it.
We had a breakthrough last night, and FI finally told her that she needs to concern herself less in the drama that other people are surrounding her in, and that WE too are stressed out. When everyday we come home from full time jobs, we are working on something wedding related and no one to help us. And so she felt bad, and apologized to him (of course)— although not to me…but I’ll take it- its fine. So she offered her help for once, and asked him what she can help us with…but isn’t that just adding stress her to.
Ah well, at least FI laid down the law and said listen, you have stress, we have stress, don’t add to ours.
Post # 11
Sounds like you resolved it. But just remember that as the wedding day approaches, EVERYONE, including your parents, gets more stressed out and it’s common to look to the couple to make decisions and fix things–not because they want to throw off the responsibility necessarily, but because it’s your day and they don’t want to step on your toes. And–and I AM on your side–but it does sound like she could use a little sympathy–it is not fun to feel like you’re losing grandkids or to watch your sister/brother’s marriage fall apart.
You also seem to have a knee-jerk reaction when she asks you to do something, which is totally understandable, but for your own sanity, perhaps just start a list, write down things that she asks you to do, and promise to put that list away and only deal with it every Wednesday and Saturday or something–that can give you a few days to cool off and get a level head to look at what it is she wants you to do and assess whether you want to do it, you want someone else to, or you want to throw it back to her.
That said, don’t be afraid to delegate. You have a FI and you have BMs and other friends whom I’m sure would be okay with making a phone call here and there just to help you out.