Weddingbee boards

Hello everyone,

I can't believe my first post is in "emotional," and about my FMIL, lol!  My FMIL is generally very cordial and nice and has always welcomed me into the family.  But, once we started to plan the wedding, that has changed a bit.  She's still very nice, but has become very demanding and selfish.  The main issue is that my fiance and I had agreed for a long time that we would not invite kids to our wedding.  It's an extra cost that we just can't afford.  My fiance has about 20 cousins who are all under the age of 18.  We decided to invite his older cousins (the ones we are actually friends with and know), and to leave out the young ones.  I know this may be a somewhat controversial and some people do it differently, but this what we chose. 

So my FMIL first seemed ok with this, then started having major issues.  She had an awkward talk with me about how it's not fair that she has to make cuts from her side of the family, and that she would be really embarassed if we did not invite the young cousins.  I didn't really know how to respond, because I felt very put on the spot, and I just told her that I'd talk to my fiance about it but she should too.  So a few days go by and we're all at a big family gathering for his side.  EVERYONE is there, almost all of the little cousins too.  One of the little cousins asks us if we've invited to the wedding, and before we could even say anything my fiance's mom says "of course you are all invited!"  Of course they were very happy, but my fiance and I were just shocked.  We were put into an awkward situation and forced into inviting them.  My fiance has tried to talk to her about this once, but she got very angry and told him that we should take out a loan so we could afford to invite all of them.  There is no way we're taking out a loan!  My parents are paying for the wedding, but we are still on a budget.  To be honest, I would rather spend that extra $1500/$2000 on photography, or flowers or honeymoon, or something that we both want.

Sorry this is long, but I'm just upset at the situation.  We can't uninvite the cousins, and his mom refuses to help with the cost of the extra cousins, and I have to make cuts in other parts of our budget that is more important to me.  My fiance does not want to fight with his mom about this again, so I guess it's a done deal.  There have been a few more examples of my FMIL being a little too demanding and overstepping her boundaries. I know that weddings are about families and I want to make people as happy as I can, but a little part of me is maybe being selfish and thinking, weddings are also about the BRIDE!  And this is MY day, not hers, lol!

What do you guys think?  Am I being selfish and petty?  I'm also scared that for the next six months of wedding planning my FMIL will try to take over even more.  Does anyone else have this kind of problem?  Any advice?  Thank you guys!

Thank you all for your input.  Believe me, I COMPLETELY agree with all of you!  This happened two months ago and when I think about it I STILL get angry.  My fiance and his mom got into a HUGE fight about this, where she called him cheap, selfish, said she was disappointed in him, blah blah blah.  She is a very domineering woman, and then she proceeded to ignore us for a week (literally IGNORE, like not respond to questions or conversations).  It was insane.  I don't think that my fiance wants to get into all of that again.  I don't agree with him and have been trying to get him to at least talk to his mom again about chipping in for costs, but he's non-confrontational and just does not want to deal with it.  I feel bad for putting him in the middle, but I'm also just so upset that this happened. 

I think that maybe I just got unlucky with MILs and wedding planning.  Added to this cousin thing, she also told us pretty much right after we got engaged that we can't have the wedding in a certain season because she'll be too busy with work and too stressed and tired.  I was pretty shocked by this too. 

Then there was the issue of the wedding invitations.  She wanted to have her name on the invitation, even though like I said she is not paying for any of the wedding.  I absolutely put my foot down there, and said that if my parents are paying, they are being listed as the hosts, the ones who "request the honor of your presence."  There is NO way his parents will be on that way.  I fought with my fiance on this and he gave in, but I was shocked that he even considered doing otherwise.  He said that he just wanted to honor his parents as well and I don't think he really knows the ins and outs of invitation wording etiquette.  I said if he wanted to honor his parents, he could list it as "Fiance, son of Blah and Blah."  He decided not to do that and just have my parents' names on the invitation.

It's very difficult for me because I know that all families are different, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.  But I also REALLY think we need boundaries, but it's hard for me to talk about this with my fiance without him getting defensive about his familym or taking it like a criticism of his family (and who wants to hear that right).  It's getting to the point where we're fighting or arguing about this more than we should (I admit, usually because I'm so upset and angry at how all of this has happened).  I don't want this to turn into a recurring problem in our marriage, and I have heard so many horror stories about the MIL/wife relationship.  I'm really starting to get stressed out and don't know what else to do. 

Thanks for listening, everyone!  And for your feedback and support.