Post # 1
I have started to notice a bit of a trend when it comes to my future mother in law and plans for the wedding. We announced our engagement, and the date we were planning on getting married, she didn’t like it. Despite Dan looking me dead in the face and saying he didn’t care what she thought, the date changed and was planned for 6 months later. I am fine with it now, I have come to terms with it and moved on. The next thing that came up that she had an opinion on was about the processional. She wants Dan to walk her in and seat her. I was against it, that would put us in the same processional and at risk of him seeing me before the ceremony starts. The biggest moment I am looking forward to is him seeing me for the first time, so clearly, that moment being at risk of being ruined put me on edge. Of course, she is getting what she wants and I have worked it out for her to be walked down by Dan and I shouldn’t be seen in the process. They are going to be in the front of the line, and I will of course be in the back. I have gotten over these two things but Sunday, things just set me off.
We were at his mom’s and she was asking about the times for the ceremony and reception. I told her we are getting in to the ceremony location early to get ready. She said “ok, I will have Mandy show up then” Mandy is her sister-in-law and an aspiring photographer. I have had a photographer since before I even knew Dan, she is a very close friend and she told me that she would take my pictures a long time ago. I told his mom we had a photographer and we didn’t need another one. Her response was to say she just wanted “special” pictures of the day. Like ones of her and Dan and other various things. I told her Julie is going to take every photo we wanted and then some. She said something about Mandy needing practice and that this was the only time she would have anything like this (Dan is an only child). I was agitated and told her that Julie is the photographer I am PAYING and I don’t want anyone in her way. Dan came back in to the room and told us both to play nice. Needless to say I was still irritated and frustrated. It felt like she was taking a dig at me when she said she wouldn’t have another wedding like this (I have been married before) and it made me feel like she didn’t trust my decision on my photographer.
It just feels like she is going to keep having opinions and she is going to keep getting her way. I don’t know what to do. I told Dan my concerns and he said everything short of telling me I was crazy. He said once he understood how the whole photographer conversation happened and went he got why I was so frustrated by it. Should I just keep my mouth shut? Or should I try to talk to her or something? I just can’t figure out the best course of action here.
Post # 3
You need to stick up for yourself at some point or she will walk all over you for the rest of your life. I would say that the SIL can photograph the boys getting ready and do a short 20 minute shoot of her and her son while your photographer takes your bridal photos. That’s all. She is not to take photos over the paid photographers shoulder or get in front of her to take a photo, ever. This includes the reception. She is not to take photos during the ceremony.
Discuss this with your. FI and have a united front. Put your foot down.
Post # 4
@AngelKidAllan: 99.99999% of photographers will have a clause in their contracts that they are to be the ONLY photographer there and will leave/consider the contract null and void if another is there. So your MIL needs to take a seat and stop.
Post # 5
@mixtapehearts: +1!!! I would tell her that your photog has a clause that there can be no other photogs.
Post # 6
My concern is not with the photos, but with the fact that your fiance is bowing to her whims, AFTER you two agreed that you were doing something different. While I agree with picking your battles, you two need to be a unified front, and he needs to stand up to his mother. Weddings are where precedents get set for future interactions. If he shows her that she can push him into getting her way, over your objections, the behavior will not stop after the wedding.
Talk to your fiance. There needs to be an agreement that when you two reach a decision on something, it stands. Period.
Post # 7
There’s a reason FMIL and FML are so close. I like mine 99% of the time, but she too is opinionated about our weeding. You need to just learn to say no, as intimidating as that may be, and your FI needs to back you up.
Post # 8
AT this point, as big of an issue that your FMIL, your FI is an equal problem. I have dated the only male child before. His mother was a pain at every point in our relationship, and my ex was constantly defending her. You need to have a long talk with your FI about where the boundaries will be with his mother.
Post # 9
You and your FI need to get on the same page. I had/am still having FMIL issues, so FI and I came up with some standard things to say when his mom gets pushy. Things like:
– We appreciate your advice, but we’ve already decided on xyz
– This is something for us (meaning me and FI) to discuss privately
– We understand where you’re coming from, but we’re more comfortable with xyz
Basically, really vague things that shut the conversation down but would make her look like a crazy person if she got defensive and loud about it. My FI is still working on standing up to his mom, but the most important thing was that we talked and made sure we’re a team. Your FI needs to be on your side and express that to his mom.
Post # 10
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the support. I sent my photographer a message and she was really cool about it. She said she is used to family and everyone taking photos and she is viewing her as someone like that. I think what bothered me the most is the way she said it to begin with, that she wanted her own set of pictures and all of that. I made it VERY clear that NO ONE is to get in Julie’s way and to divert our attention from her. We are going to have every minute planned down to the second with everything and we don’t have time for other people demanding our attention away from her.
Post # 11
I’m with @MariContrary
Your FI needs to keep a united front with you and stop giving in to his mother, this is NOT her wedding.
Tell her your photographer has a clause that she is the only photographer and there is no need for another one. You don’t need 2 people pulling people in different directions to get pictures. I mean what if you are waiting for him to do pics with you and he’s off somewhere taking photos with mommy dearest? NOT COOL. He needs to grow a pair.
Post # 12
@AngelKidAllan: This is not a pattern with your FMIL, it’s a pattern with your Fiance.
Now is the time to set the precedent and boundary that you and he will be making the decisions where you and he are concerned, not her. If she is not shown this, she will continue to act this way and he will most likely continue to give in. What’s next? How you spend holidays? How you set up and run your household? How you raise your kids? It’s going to be a long life if he can’t put his wife first when it comes to decisions that are important to you and the new family he starting with you.
He needs to take the lead on that as she is his mother. I would have a serious talk with him about the impact this has on you and areas you are willing to compromise vs. areas you are not. Hopefully he just has not been made aware how upetting to you this is, and once he is, he will step up. If he is not willing to back you up on these things I’m not sure what to say besides I know a lot of women who are very unhappy being married to mama’s boys.
Post # 13
I would say that the SIL can photograph the boys getting ready and do a short 20 minute shoot of her and her son while your photographer takes your bridal photos
OP this PP nailed it…. I did this myself because my IL’s pulled the same crap with me. There wasnt another photog but they were being really ridiculous about having certain pictures done with them and I swear if I had my time back I wouldnt have let them away with it because it actually ATE into my bridal shoot time…. but we had the photog do the boys getting ready shots… then my bridal shots…. but in between (during the guys getting ready) his parents basically INSISTED they hve some getting ready shots specifically at their house (they didnt get ready there because there was 500 OOT people staying there an dthey have a white long haired dog that sheds and DH is allergic to…..)… so at 3 min to when the photog was supposed to be with me…she texted to say they JUST got to IL’s house….I was fuming because there was just NO NEED to go there (not a childhood home or anything)….yet there was literally a tantrum thrown… like a 5 year old…..
anyways…. it was supposed to be half their time there, and half at the IL’s but they were slow as molasses getting out the door.
SO point…. have their relative take their parents pics during the getting ready photos while shes with you, but do not let her interfear with the main shoots.
Post # 14
Yeah, your FI needs to back you up on this. Insist that your photographer has a clause that says they’re to be the only photographers present and get your man to be insistent with his mom! I believe in the rule of each person being in charge of the difficult relative(s) that they are related to. His mom, he needs to deal with her!
Post # 15
Well, I had another discussion with Dan last night about everything. He said he can stand up to her and he doesn’t have a problem discussing things rather than giving her her way.
I texted her today and asked what all pictures she is wanting this other person to take. She told me, and I told her that Julie could get all of those pictures but I would try to work her girl in around the schedule we will have with my photographer. I am trying to work with her but she said not to worry about it and just go with Julie. I am still going to make it work for her and just hope Dan really will stand up to her if it comes down to doing so again.