Post # 1
I can’t believe my first post is in “emotional,” and about my FMIL, lol! My FMIL is generally very cordial and nice and has always welcomed me into the family. But, once we started to plan the wedding, that has changed a bit. She’s still very nice, but has become very demanding and selfish. The main issue is that my fiance and I had agreed for a long time that we would not invite kids to our wedding. It’s an extra cost that we just can’t afford. My fiance has about 20 cousins who are all under the age of 18. We decided to invite his older cousins (the ones we are actually friends with and know), and to leave out the young ones. I know this may be a somewhat controversial and some people do it differently, but this what we chose.
So my FMIL first seemed ok with this, then started having major issues. She had an awkward talk with me about how it’s not fair that she has to make cuts from her side of the family, and that she would be really embarassed if we did not invite the young cousins. I didn’t really know how to respond, because I felt very put on the spot, and I just told her that I’d talk to my fiance about it but she should too. So a few days go by and we’re all at a big family gathering for his side. EVERYONE is there, almost all of the little cousins too. One of the little cousins asks us if we’ve invited to the wedding, and before we could even say anything my fiance’s mom says “of course you are all invited!” Of course they were very happy, but my fiance and I were just shocked. We were put into an awkward situation and forced into inviting them. My fiance has tried to talk to her about this once, but she got very angry and told him that we should take out a loan so we could afford to invite all of them. There is no way we’re taking out a loan! My parents are paying for the wedding, but we are still on a budget. To be honest, I would rather spend that extra $1500/$2000 on photography, or flowers or honeymoon, or something that we both want.
Sorry this is long, but I’m just upset at the situation. We can’t uninvite the cousins, and his mom refuses to help with the cost of the extra cousins, and I have to make cuts in other parts of our budget that is more important to me. My fiance does not want to fight with his mom about this again, so I guess it’s a done deal. There have been a few more examples of my FMIL being a little too demanding and overstepping her boundaries. I know that weddings are about families and I want to make people as happy as I can, but a little part of me is maybe being selfish and thinking, weddings are also about the BRIDE! And this is MY day, not hers, lol!
What do you guys think? Am I being selfish and petty? I’m also scared that for the next six months of wedding planning my FMIL will try to take over even more. Does anyone else have this kind of problem? Any advice? Thank you guys!
Post # 3
I lucked out and got one of the greatest, laid back FMILs ever, but my sister was in an almost identical situation. If there’s any advice I can give, it’s nip it in the bud NOW. It will be uncomfortable and might cause some hurt feelings, but if you don’t stand your ground with your FMIL now, it will only get worse. It will not only cause a rift between you and your FMIL, but it will also cause problems between you and your FI.
Post # 4
I know you said you can’t uninvite them, but YOU didn’t actually invite them. I would stick to your guns and just explain to their parents that you cannot afford to invite them all or are choosing to have a no kids under ___ reception. Your MIL way overstepped and since she is not paying nor will she help you cover the extra cost, she doesn’t trump you and your fiance. It is your wedding as a couple, not hers as the MOG!
If you really cannot uninvite them, then I would agree with your fiance that from now on MOG doesn’t call the shots and ask him to talk to her.
Post # 5
Honestly I would just address the envelopes with specifically who is invited and include on the invite that Adult Reception to Follow at such and such location.
If people have questions or offended I say pass the blame if you can (our caterer does not allow children if there is being alcohol served…) if you cannot pass the blame then put your fiance in the line of fire. His side of the family = his problem.
Post # 6
Wow. You are being 100x nicer than I would be. You said that you didn’t want children at YOUR wedding that YOUR parents are paying for. That should be enough. Then, she has the nerve to announce that they’re invited. I’d have flipped out at that point. Then, she has the nerve to not even pay for her extra uninvited guests. I’d probably have screamed at her and/or hurt her at that point.
Your fiance needs to grow a pair and speak to his mother. If not, you’ll have to do it yourself (and talk to your fiance about actually growing a pair). Be firm. It’s YOUR wedding. YOU get to make the decisions. And she’s not contributing, so she very much does NOT. That was incredibly rude and disrespectful of her. Probably one of the more rude and disrespectful wedding related stories I’ve ever read.
In the end, don’t sacrifice your photography budget to invite more of her guests that you didn’t want in the first place. Offer her two options (1) if it’s simply a budget constraint, say that she can invite her extra guests if she pays for them–perfectly fair; or (2) the extra guests will not be invited and any and all phone calls, emails, or comments on the subject will be forwarded or referred to her.
Post # 7
what Chicagobride092010 said and goodluck!
Post # 9
@Addie – I’ve had some similar FMIL recently so I totally feel you. You are in the right, remind yourself of that every time you start to feel bad about the situation.
@ Miss Cherry Limeade: Having similar issues myself, any advice on how to “nip it in the bud?” I’d love some tips myself!
Post # 10
Thank you all for your input. Believe me, I COMPLETELY agree with all of you! This happened two months ago and when I think about it I STILL get angry. My fiance and his mom got into a HUGE fight about this, where she called him cheap, selfish, said she was disappointed in him, blah blah blah. She is a very domineering woman, and then she proceeded to ignore us for a week (literally IGNORE, like not respond to questions or conversations). It was insane. I don’t think that my fiance wants to get into all of that again. I don’t agree with him and have been trying to get him to at least talk to his mom again about chipping in for costs, but he’s non-confrontational and just does not want to deal with it. I feel bad for putting him in the middle, but I’m also just so upset that this happened.
I think that maybe I just got unlucky with MILs and wedding planning. Added to this cousin thing, she also told us pretty much right after we got engaged that we can’t have the wedding in a certain season because she’ll be too busy with work and too stressed and tired. I was pretty shocked by this too.
Then there was the issue of the wedding invitations. She wanted to have her name on the invitation, even though like I said she is not paying for any of the wedding. I absolutely put my foot down there, and said that if my parents are paying, they are being listed as the hosts, the ones who “request the honor of your presence.” There is NO way his parents will be on that way. I fought with my fiance on this and he gave in, but I was shocked that he even considered doing otherwise. He said that he just wanted to honor his parents as well and I don’t think he really knows the ins and outs of invitation wording etiquette. I said if he wanted to honor his parents, he could list it as “Fiance, son of Blah and Blah.” He decided not to do that and just have my parents’ names on the invitation.
It’s very difficult for me because I know that all families are different, and I’m trying to be respectful of that. But I also REALLY think we need boundaries, but it’s hard for me to talk about this with my fiance without him getting defensive about his familym or taking it like a criticism of his family (and who wants to hear that right). It’s getting to the point where we’re fighting or arguing about this more than we should (I admit, usually because I’m so upset and angry at how all of this has happened). I don’t want this to turn into a recurring problem in our marriage, and I have heard so many horror stories about the MIL/wife relationship. I’m really starting to get stressed out and don’t know what else to do.
Thanks for listening, everyone! And for your feedback and support.
Post # 11
she has no right inviting peope if shes not paying for it. pus, if she wants them to attend, why doesn’t she pay for them? my FMIL is getting pretty demanding as well. it is really getting on my nerves…so i know how you are feeling. hang in there!
Post # 12
How are you both cheap if it’s something you can’t afford in your budget? That’s just not right! And the fact that she won’t pay for the people SHE invited to YOUR wedding? I think you have every right to be upset.
Post # 13
Just remember that you have the power of the purse. And it’s always the trump card. Just like Congress always wins, you can too.
It sounds like your fiance is not being supportive. Try making him read etiquette articles that support your opinions (and they all will). Even though you’re right purely on logic, seeing authority behind your opinions might turn on a lightbulb in his head.
Your FMIL is ridiculous. Remind her she already had her wedding and she’s not the one getting married.
And you won’t be a bridezilla for standing up for yourself! It just makes you a strong woman. Now if you go around smashing cakes for being the correct flavor…
Post # 14
Look this is your fault, you should have said right there at the dinner no you re not, someone put that little girl up to that. You need to be firm and take back the reigns or SHE WILL be in charge of this wedding. The fiance s mother is NEVER supposed to intefere unless specifically asked… I would call her up and be like this is how much these kids are going to cost, can you write me a check for that amt, or they will not be invited. This is not a discussion this is my wedding, my money, and my parents money and this is how it is going to be. If you are upset about this you do not have to attend either, I also do not appreciate how you handled that situation at dinner, you knew kids were not invited. If you dont write me a check I will simply make sure that the ppl with kids know that the kids are not invited, its not up for discussion so I ll give you a day to think about it and I ll call you in a couple of days or you can call me and tell me you have sent the check. period. full stop. YOU BE IN CTRL
Post # 15
there is a reoccuring theme in this thread BE FIRM. BE FIRM. don t even tell your fiance what you are going to if she wants to ignore you great! then you dont have to deal with her crazy ass
Post # 16
I just went through almost the same stituation last night with my FMIL!!! I went home crying after dinner and my parents who are also the ones paying for it are furious about the whole thing! I feel that it is your choice on who you want to invite. I made clear to everyone that NO kids were invited! It just is how it is in my family! Even though it was hard she will get over it! Its your wedding and your the bride! Dont forget that!