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My mom had the same thing happen to her... except that she wanted yellow and recieved white. My dad knows full well what she thinks now, but I doubt she mentioned it 30 years ago. That is a tricky situation because the last thing you need is to start off on the wrong foot with your MIL. Just flat out explain to your FI how you feel if it is that important to you, perhaps show him pics of the ring you wanted; it will be his job to explain to his mom if you change the ring. Obviously do not bad mouth your FMIL, she probably has no clue what your jewelry tastes are. I don't think your overreacting, your e-ring is important; however don't hold this against anyone its not worth it.
Ok, so why did she pick out the ring and not your FI? Im pretty sure i would be upset too. That is something personal, that should be comming from his heart, not hers. Thats really a tough one though. If you take the ring back, then she will obviously know and in some way be offended. But if you keep it, you are stuck with a ring that you dont love. and you are the one who will be wearing it for the rest of your life. Honsetly, i would would probably tell him to take it back and let him deal with his mother. He can probably break it to her in a way that wont hurt her feelings. Maybe he can just tell her that you really wanted white gold and not yellow. Im sure she'd understand, and i bet she'd probably not want to wear a ring she wasnt in love with either. Good luck with that and i'd love to hear how this turns out!
I agree with soontobetoews. Seriously your gonna wear this thing forever and you can deal with the fact that he had his mom pick it out, but you cannot deal with it being gold when you hate gold jewelry. Of course I am being pretty frank about the situation but your fiance should understand, he purchased it and it should matter to him whether or not you like it period and getting a different setting or whatever you decide to do is not all on you to tell your fmil, I would have him let her know. Everyone's relationship is different with their in laws so it is hard to tell how your fmil will react so only you and your fiance can figure the best to let her know. Good Luck though with your decision!
I can understand that being tough but did he maybe just bring her along for a female opinion? My fiance did pick my ring out on his own but both his brothers brought his mom (funny she likes mine best). Regaerdless he paid for it and it is a symbol of his love and commitmemt to you, so I'd try not to dwell on the symbolic part of "who picked it" too much. But I totally understand where you are coming from on the gold. I hate gold, never wear it. Do you like the diamond? Do you like the setting or it just the band color? Resetting a ring into a white gold band I don't think is unreasonable and I don't think she should be offended. Good luck, speak your mind delicatlely on this one. You don't want to be stuck with a ring you hate.
I would not be upset if my FI had his mother help him pick my ring. (Actually, I'm pretty sure his dad helped him pick out my ring). I'm willing to bet he wanted a female opinion, and to be honest it is his fault, not your MILs, that he didn't know that you like silver/platinum/white gold over yellow gold. The fact that she helped pick out the ring symbolizes the fact that she approves of the marriage and probably loves you!
I think your FI and his mothers heart were in the right place. I don't think it will be really that bad to tell have your FI casually mention to your MIL during the holidays that you love your ring but you're more of a white gold kind of gal. I don't think its an insult at all, as most women understand that everyone has a preference. That would be a good way to "test the waters" on her reaction. Ultimately, the goal for you is to get a new ring, without upsetting her... I'm willing to bet this hint is enough for your MIL to say "oh, then you guys should exchange the ring for something she likes!"
If she reacts poorly (i.e. she calls you ungrateful), then you might have to try another tactic. In the end its your ring and your life, and you should do what makes you and your FI happy... but I'd try that tactic first.
I don't know if I'd involve your MIL in the ring replacement process/discussion at all. Even if she helped pick it out -- even if she picked it out entirely on her own -- it was your fiance who gave it to you, and it will be your fiance that goes with you to change it. Don't make it about who picked it out, make it about its objective characteristics (like the type of metal). After it's changed, if your MIL comments on the difference, just say something like, "We decided to switch out the metal to one that I wear more often. Isn't it beautiful?"
I wouldn't be so quick to blame him completely. My friend who recently got married and myself have been through a similar situation...excited but clueless FIs!!
my advice...IS NOT WORTH THE HASSLE...I understand and know that is not the ideal to have your FMIL pick out something so personal but it can be changed down the road.
My friend's MIL offered her some diamons from a ring she had to make a brand new wedding band..she was unsure but her FI jumped at the offer (it's his mommy, after all)...they both had described the diamonds as small so my friend figured that she would learn to like it for the sake of family peace. Well, the diamonds are huge and the whole ring looks gaudy...she'll wear it for a year and then will 'upgrade' to a smaller less flashy 'anniversary' ring. She had to compromise and it hurt.
In my case, my FI thought that his mother knew best about diamonds and jewelry...I don't wear yellow gold and wanted a round stone...my FI hates yellow gold and princess cut...he told this to his mother...guess what she got? right, a yellow gold ring with a princess cut diamond! She was pressuring to buy it cause she had found a great deal...it was a very tricky situation to get out of and he learned his lesson....he had to buy one before she decided to surprise him with the purchase...we got what we wanted in the end...but we were ready to keep quiet for the sake of family matters.
Compromise and 'upgrade' your setting as an anniversary present. Make him see how 'romantic' it would be if you guys chose your setting again and you could even use the yellow gold to make a small pendant for your future kid or as a present for you MIL!
My advice is to take a deep breath and try to remain calm and posisitve. Your fiance is in a very sensitive situation, and if you're not careful, you might hurt him very deeply. He probably spent a lot of time and money planning to propose and buying the ring. Just keep in mind how you would feel if you tried to do something this big for him, and then he later told you that you messed up.
I think it's totally fine to talk to your fiance about the metal color and see if you can't switch to something in white gold. Just be very sensitive about it, and I wouldn't bring up his mother or who picked out the ring.
Also, I would not be terribly hurt that your FMIL helped pick out the ring. Lots of guys are 100% clueless about rings, so they just end up buying whatever the sales girl/guy leads them to anyway. Your fiance was probably worried about picking something you wouldn't like, so he brought his mom along for a female opinion.
Sticky sticky sitch. But bottling up your feelings isn't good either. I think you should sit down w/you FI and talk about it. Tell him you love him and want to marry him, but the ring is something you want to be from HIS heart..and that this is just not your style.
One of my bff's had this happen to her. He bought her a 3 stone ring (very small diamonds) with gold (she had heart set on platinum and an oval solitaire..she even told him) but he went with his cousin (supposedly an elegant gal..don't know her but how he spoke of her) to the jeweler and she talked him into that (they work together..lawyers). My friend HATED the ring. Despised it.
So she sat him down and explained. Her mom had a diamond that was quite significant so she used that one as the solitaire and they got another band. She called that her "wedding ring" and slipped the teeny ring onto her right hand. Got married in both rings.
I dont' believe in being dishonest and let's face it. YOU have to wear that ring and yes Debeers and those diamond companies have definitely brainwashed me into thinking that a diamond is forever and a symbol of his love. If you're not happy w/it, speak with him gently and lovingly.
If not, say five years from now if he does something silly or inappropriate for a holiday, or anniversary it might "slip out"..such as "Getting me that treadmill for an anniversary is about as stupid as you having your mom pick out this ring I dont' like". Stuff like that slips out at the most inopportune moments if you don't face them head on and deal with them.
While it seems more romantic if your FI had picked out the ring himself, he probably wanted moral support and a second opinion, rather than taking a chance all alone on something that would make you happy. I'd take it as a compliment that both your FI and FMIL are supportive.
As to what to do, talk with your FI and gently let him know that you aren't a yellow gold person. Say you are moved that he spent so much time and effort picking it out and that you want it to represent both of you, suggest changing the setting.
did you and your FI discuss what kind of rings you like at all before you got engaged? sounds like he didn't know what you like! or he did and didn't stick up for and his mom influenced him. don't be hard on her! she was probably trying to help. you need to talk to him about it, and ask if there was a miscommunication, because you really don't wear gold jewelry much and would prefer white, and can you get the setting changed. if he says "well no i don't think so, my mom picked it out and it will hurt her feelings" just tell him that his mom doesn't have to look at the ring every day and that she is not the one in the marriage, it's between you and him!
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It's hard to tell what to think. If your FI knew what kind of ring you wanted, and somehow his mom talked him into buying something different, that's a bad thing. If he really didn't have much of an idea, and he just asked her to help thinking that it might give him a better chance at buying something you would like, it's understandable. Regardless, he has gotten you something that is not to your taste, and I would let him know (nicely, and without dwelling on the fact that his mom picked it out). The good thing is that, with the price of gold today, even if the ring was custom made you can probably get it reset in white gold for very little. We had to have my wedding ring reworked, and the jeweler was happy to "buy back" the gold for resuse, so we essentially just paid for the work. Depending on where he bought the ring, they might also have a return policy that allows exchange for a limited period of time. But if you wait longer than that, it could be difficult or expensive to get a different ring - so I would speak up now.
One of the first expensive presents my husband got me was a watch. It was a really spendy designer watch, and I knew it cost an arm and a leg - but it was really flashy, and just not me. Unfortunately he ordered it online, and couldn't return it. But once he knew that I really wouldn't wear it, he was just really sorry that he hadn't asked me for some idea of what I would like. We ended up selling it to a friend of mine - who loves it - and he ordered something that I like much better.
Part of the lesson here is maybe to let your FI know that in the future, if he has any doubts about what you would like in the jewelry department, he needs to ask you. Some guys are clueless about stuff like that, and don't realize that what one woman just loves another woman wouldn't be seen in. And apparently you and his mom and very different taste. If his mom is a woman with very specific likes and dislikes, she should understand the situation perfectly.
maybe you could just conveniently lose the ring... haha jk but seriously if he didn't know then you can't blame the man, but if he did know and his mother just didn't care what you wanted. i would say the problems go deeper than a ring.
I think you just talk to your fiance. It shouldn't be a hard conversation: unless you've got a fantastic poker face, he probably realizes that you're not thrilled with the ring.
The ring my fiance proposed with was a beautiful ring, but simply not my style (big bold ruby that would have been getting caught every time I reached into my jeans pockets)--it was the ring the salesladies talked him into. I preferred something with a lower profile. When I told him this (and as thrilled as I was with the proposal, he could tell that ), he gladly went with me to the store so we could exchange it for something more my style. End of story. No guilt; no hurt feelings. Your FMIL should understand that she doesn't know the ins-and-outs of your personal jewelry style any better than her son does, and not be offended when you return it for a ring that's more fitting for you.
I would be upset that she picked it out....I'm upset that my fiance left the ring at his parents house and that when he went to pick the ring up from them his mother was wearing it...
But I agree with most everyone else. I would tell him. I hate gold...mine is white as well...Its a ring your going to be wearing for a very very very long time....you should have it be a ring you like...
maybe you could say you developed an allergy to gold. and thus needed to change out the ring? 
So, not to go against the grain but maybe you should consider keeping it. I was disapointed with my engagement ring when my FI proposed (it was bad, there were tears). It was nothing like what I imagined except that it was white gold and to make it worse he asked me what I wanted in a ring after he had already purchased this one. I knew what style I wanted and was excited to see what he picked out but he proposed to me with s TOTALLY different ring. It's a pretty ring but nothing I ever wanted and I had a hard time balancing the fact that I wanted something different but liked that he picked this out from his heart. He loved that it was simple and understated (not how I would ever want to describe my engagement ring) and I knew it hurt his feelings that I didn't love it. He offered to take it back but when I thought of it, this is the ring he used as a symbol when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and another ring would be prettier and suit my style but not have the same sentimental value. I can always buy myself a diamond ring but no other ring will ever be able to be my engagement ring. It took me a while to get used to this being my engagement ring but every time I look at it I think of his proposal. I wish I could have been less outwardly disapointed in the ring when he proposed so we could have savored the moment with only joy but I can't picture myself trading in this ring for one I like better. I hope that he will get me my dream ring for an anniversary present sometime in the future and I will wear it on my right hand but until then I will keep the one true engagement ring for its sentimental value. I also don't wear gold right now but if it was gold, I would still wear it with my silver jewlery becasue it is special for what it stands for more so than what it looks like. So before you trade in the setting for somehting that fits your style, think about the meaning behind this ring, the fact that his mother helped him pick it out means that she approves of you and while she may have different tastes it's a reflection of her support for your union that she would help him pick what she feels is a beautiful ring and he must like it other wise I'm sure he wouldn't have given you something he hates. Good luck in your decision but remember you can always buy yourself a diamond, this is the one that came from him on that special day and he claerly put time into picking it for you.
yeah i kinda do agree with Slicey19. I had an issue with my engagement ring also, mine was a little different situation though. I have been married once before. I wanted my ring to look completly different from my first one. It was a pretty classic looking ring, it was 1 carat princess cut with a couple diamonds on each side. I loved my first ring, i had picked it out after all! But i didnt want anything like it this time. So what does my FI give me...a ring that looks almost identical! The same size, same cute, only diference was there were smaller diamonds on each side. I was a little disapointed, for about a second! Then i realized that he went out, without me, found this ring that he loved and it came from his heart. In his mind he thought it would be perfect. I mean the poor guy made 4 trips to the jewerly store before before he bought it. He thought it was perfect. So now, to me it is! I guess you should give him the benifit of the doubt. Keep the ring. But get him to buy you another ring for an anniversary!!
I have a couple of additional thoughts to add, though most here have covered the subject well.
The first is this: Some guys use their mom as a deflector. If he sensed that you didn't like the ring initially (back to that perfect poker face) then maybe he deflected by saying it was all up to his mom. That means when you talk to him about it, you need to be equally sensitive to the fact that you might be talking about him or his mother... so tread gently.
Secondly, I wanted to share an story that happened to a friend of mine. She was proposed to, and her fiance had given her this really cool chunky ring that he designed himself. It was totally *his* style, but she hated it. She didn't bring up the subject, she stewed on it for weeks, but it was eating her up. They ended up in a huge fight about it and the result was a broken engagement over some stupid ring.
They eventually worked things out a couple of years later, but the whole ring debacle made them re-assess the entire relationship. What I'm saying here is that you should ask yourself: How important is this issue to me? Is it so important that you really want a different ring? That you would want to risk the relationship?
I fully support having a conversation about the issue... gently... but I think that you have to come to terms with and accept the way things went down before you go into the conversation. You can't be steamed about the way he went about getting the ring or the fact that it is not your style. That way, whatever the outcome of the conversation, you and he will be ok. I find that a good dose of humor goes far in these types of conversations!
That is a tough situation. My future in laws gave my fiance the ring that his father proposed to his mother with. To make it his own, he changed the band to something he thought better suited me. It is more of a win-win situation, because they got to help out, there is sentiment involved and I got a beautiful ring my fiance picked out for me. Why don't you explain that you want it to be more of your own. Maybe keep the diamond, but try a new setting?
I think it's sweet that your FMIL was involved!
The part about the yellow gold is difficult though - and still could (and probably would) have happened if your FI picked out the ring unaided. My friend has been happily married almost 30 years... and has never liked her engagement/wedding ring! She also prefers white gold and platinum, but her husband picked out yellow gold. She has suggested getting it reset, but still has the original because it always makes her husband sad.
I'd get a wedding band that does not go with your engagment ring, and say you plan on wearing the engagement ring on your right hand. That way, you can wear it for special events (like holidays with your ILs!), but you can wear what you like most days. Sometime in the future, you can have it reset. For example, when you have children, you can have it reset into a "family ring" with the diamond in the center and your children's birthstones on the sides.
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Another note: The trend of getting a simple wedding band to complement a larger engagement ring is still pretty new. Most newlyweds 5 or 10 years back still got two separate rings and only wore one at a time. Nothing says you can't hang on to the engagement ring for now and then buy something more to your liking for your wedding ring and put the engagement ring away.
My fiance once told me, while we were discussing rings before we got engaged, that if I didn't like the ring he picked out for me and I wanted to exchange it for something else, he'd be so offended that he'd consider breaking up with me! Wtf, right? I thought this was incredibly ridiculous, but now that it's all said and done, he agrees with me that it is better that I have something i LOVE than something i HATE every single day and he would have gotten over it if he'd chosen the 'wrong' ring. Be prepared for some backlash. Start off by telling him how much it means to him that he's proposed and butter him up before you comment that the ring really isn't your thing and you'd really prefer something along X style/cut/color/etc. Sometimes a jeweler will let you change your diamond out for a comprable stone. It's not like a used diamond is worth any less when it's used. If it's just the gold that's an issue, you can always have the stones reset into a new setting. Or if it's yellow gold, have it blasted with rhodium to replate it white! If not, consider having them reworked into a style you love more, but still holding onto the original diamonds. I'm sure after the initial anger blows away, he'll realize that you're unhappy, and honestly, I've never met a guy who doesn't want to make his fiance happy. Then gush about it all the time when you get it! Good luck! Just handle it as delicately as possible. Guys have huge egos underneath all that macho business 
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Also, I think you could have the yellow gold treated to look like "white gold" a jeweler told me that white gold doesn't exist, it's really just yellow gold treated to look like white gold. Good luck with this! (This, of course won't help you, if the issue here is gold itself, not the color!)
My opinion is this: Regardless of the fact that your FMIL helped FI pick out the ring, now that he has given it to you, it is YOURS.
So, wouldn't it be simple to take the diamond out, melt down the yellow gold, make it into white gold (by simply adding some metal alloys- that's all there is to it) and reset the diamond into the exact same ring but in white gold??
I think this is very understandable and still sensitive to the style of ring your FI and FMIL picked out.
i understand to a point. My FMIL did not pick out the ring but since she thought we should wait till we are almost 30 to get married she had a fit and said it should be a promise ring and not an engagment ring. Oh all of this in a public restaraunt very loudly and all. She is opionated and the next thing I knew she was saying he should go buy a better ring and one that looked nicer. Gahh..
Being a hopeless romantic who adores the few great surprises in life, I never understood why a woman goes to the jeweler with her boyfriend to pick out an engagement ring.....until now. Now I get it completely. What an uncomfortable situation to be in. I do like the allergic to yellow gold idea.
You could always have the ring dipped in rhodium (plating). All white gold rings start off as yellow gold and are plated to be white gold, even if you orginally got a white gold ring it would have to eventually be re-plated. I'm getting a yellow gold e-ring this summer (yayyy) and the jeweler said they could do that for me if I ever changed my mind about the gold. Just something to keep in mind.
I completely agree with amysue. I wouldn't involve your FMIL in the switcharoo at all. It's an unfortunate situation, but one that can be handled tactfully. I wouldn't be dishonest about why you want a different one. Like others have suggested, have FI talk to her and explain you are THRILLED to marry him, but had a different ring style in mind. He can throw in that business about how every woman's taste is different, and he wants you to wear this forever and love it! Good luck.
P.S. You'll want to act quickly b/c of the return/exchange policy.
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Am i overreacting by being upset that my ring was picked out by my future mother in law? My fiance cant seem to understand this and thinks i should be honored that my mother in law thought about me in such a way. Not only am i upset that my fiance didnt pick it but it is a yellow gold ring. I do not wear gold. What do i do? How do i tell him so he understands me? How do i tell my future mother in law i dont like the ring?