- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
So bear with me. This is probably going to end up being a very long post. If it is, then I’ve posted bullet points at the end to sum things up shorter so that I can get as much feedback as possible. I really have absloutely no idea what to do here and any advice is helpful. Thank you.
A little bit of back story:
My FI and I are on the young side, we are both 22. We just graduated college this past June, he has a job working for a bank, not doing what the wants to do for the rest of his life, but it’s a job. It is just hourly right now but he is making decent money, but there are no benefits. I’m substitute teaching and tutoring hourly for no benefits and not so much money. We both live at our respecitve homes (which are an hour away from eachother, but we visit eachother very often) because it makes the most sense for us right now in terms of being able to save money by not paying for food or any bills (we are lucky in the sense that neither of us have any bills to pay yet.) We are both still very dependent on our parents for money (FI doesn’t have to be, but opts to in order to save money rather than live pay check to pay check). We are waiting until the summer of 2014 to get married because I want a nice wedding (which is a sin right? ahh. jumping the gun, I’ll get to that later!!) and my dad is unable to give me that now, but feels confident that he will have saved and planned enough in about a year to give me what I want. I also have no benefits and neiher does FI so we don’t want to rush into anything now with hopes that benefits will come and then they don’t rather than wait until we are certian we have a better chance of getting benefits within 2 years.
SO that being stated, I was visiting FI’s house this past weekend and his mom decided to bring up somewhat of a tender subject to us. She told FI that his dad’s company was going to have a sales position open up probably aroud March/April in Harrisburg PA, about 10 hours East of where we live in Ohio now.This job is a traveling job, so FI would be on the road for 3 days straight every week. But, it also pays very well. FI comes from a wealthy family, his dad owns a company so they are VERY well off, I on the other hand do not and am very happy with my life the way it is. But this job would have great benefits and has the potential (if he works his way up and works very hard) to give him a $500,000 salary. We have been informed of such jobs before but they all fell through. The first time FI and his mom discussed a job like this he came to me and we had a huge fight over it. We argued about how I am really close to my mom and don’t really want to move that far away, and how the job means he would be away from home for 3 nights straigt every week the entire time he worked this job, which could potentially be for the rest of our lives until retirement. So basically he would be relocating me to a place where I had nobody and he wouldn’t even be home half the time to make it much better. This topic brings up a lot of feelings in me because if we did this, I would be sacrificing a lot…basically everything for a job for my husband. Not saying that I wouldn’t do it, because we have decided that we will but I am scared because I love FI and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle him being gone so often and me being in a completely new place by myself. But all in all, we decided a while back when this job was brought up that we would try it out and figure out if it worked for us or not.
WELL, his mom brought it up on Saturday and just hits me in the face with it. We hadn’t talked about this since last March but here her is bringing it up again saying how much money it may make and such, well FI, being the great man that he is, tells her that he is interested, but that we (he and I) would need to really talk about it and make the decision together. And me, being the great daughter-in-law that I am (or thought I was) thought that I would explain why I feel the way that I do, to make her understand what taking this job means for me and why I am a bit apprehensive. Going into this, I honestly thought she would understand but noooo she just says to me “When FI’s father and I were told that we had to move to Florida for his job, I just said okay and followed my husband.” She said all this stuff about the benefits of this job and how this shoud be a no brainer. She said stuff about how her husband was gone a lot in the beginning and how she was unhappy for the first 2 years she was in florida but that she got over it because it was for her husbands job. So I explained to her that I just didn’t want to jump into a situation where I knew that FI would be away from home 3 nights a week and knowingly put myself in a situation where I knew I would have to do all of the parenting with our future children, and how one of the reasons that I was marrying FI was because I knew he would be a fantastic dad, but with a job like this, he wouldn’t be able to do as much with our kids. She then tells me that, yeah, some days she wishes that her husband were more involved with the kids but she wouldn’t trade her life for anything. I asked her if she wanted FI to be involved with his kids and she said “of course I do!” and I said, well then you understand where I’m coming from. And she said, when I was in your situation, it wasn’t my decision, it was my husbands, he made it and I went with him to Florida. And then I got emotional, which I wasn’t going to do, and I brought up my mom and how close I am to both her and my younger brother, and how moving 10 hours away from them would also be very hard on me and she just looks at me and says “do you think all jobs are in Ohio?!” ugh. I was CRYING when she said this to me. CRYING. She then tells FI that he obviously doesn’t want the job because he wasn’t “jumping” at the offer. I tell her that if it were just him and his mom talking about this, he would be jumping at it because it’s an oppertunity that he would really like to try out and that if he didn’t try it out he would regret it for the resto f his life. She basically compared him to his dad and said that his dad would see that this was a huge oppertunity and would jump at it and since FI wasn’t, he obviously didn’t really want it. WHAT?!? ugh
Well, while all of this was going on we were also talking about another topic which I had wanted to discuss with her for awhile but never knew how to bring it up (good timing, right?) This was all mixed into the conversation above, I just seperated it to keep everyone reading (is anyone reading) sane. I told her that if FI took this job, that I was 100% going to move with him to Harrisburg and that we would be living together before we got married (which we plan to do wether we move or not, but she doesn’t know this).She says right away “well we can’t have that”. She belives very strongly that if a couple lives together before they are married, there is always a “back door” and that it’s an easy out and basically that it will ruin our relationship. she explained this to me, and I attempted to explain to her that I love her son very much and that I really didn’t feel that living together would ruin our relationship. She didn’t get it and asked why we couldn’t get married this coming year rather than wait for 2014. I told her that my dad was going to pay for my wedding and I neeed to give him time to save. I also told her about the insurance thing about how it would be irresponsible to get married not knowing if we would have insurance or not (we are both on medication and have frequent dr. appointments, we need medican insturance). She said “if you have faith, insurance will come” whatever. She also told us all about how her wedding was 250 people, the reception was in the church basement, her dress was $250, and her friends helped out with the food by cooking and serving. She told me she and her husband paid for their own wedding and how it was beautiful. She told me that I didn’t need to have a fairytale wedding like the ones on TV and rather than having a great wedding, why don’t I think about having a great marriage insted. Gee, thanks. I told her that weddings are more expensive now a days, and very politely told her that while a cheeper wedding in the basement of a church might have been great for her, I wanted a nice wedding (not super nice, I’m literally taking $20,000 which isn’t terrible I know all of you agree with me on this). I told her that it was important to me and it wasn’t something I was going to sacrifcie to make her happy. I probably shouldn’t have said that but it’s the truth and since FI never tells it to her like it is, I thought that I would. She got upset. She told us again how living together before you are married is a huge mistake and how she is so against it. She asked me what we would do if I got pregnant, I told her that I wasn’t sure if I would get married in a rushed wedding or not. I told her I would probably have a legal ceremony and then plan a larger dream wedding for later. She is very religious and really tried to force her beliefs on us. I did tell her that we don’t believe in those things like she does (the whole not living together and how there is a back door before we are married, and that we believe if we are so unhappy and can’t work it out so that we are both happy, we have talked about it and aren’t against divorse, so wouldn’t it be better to figure that stuff out and break up rather than get a divorce?) I explained these things to her and told her that I felt that her beliefs about marriage are what made living together married different than living together not married. And that since we don’t believe those things, she can’t really apply them to us (or something like that, FI says that he was really impressed with what I said so it was obviously better than what I wrote). After that she was kinda quiet then she brought up the fact that I was taught a lot of things about marriage and relationships from my mom, whose relationship failed (because my father cheated on her, and yes FMIL knows this.) where as I should be listening to her beacuse she has been married for 29 years and is really happy, so obviously she knows all of the secrets about a happy marriage.
That was basically the extent of the conversation more or less. It lasted for more than 2 hours and at the end, both FI and I were furious with her so we slept together in his room (which is a big no-no, but we didn’t care, we wanted to comfort eachother that night). Sunday we didn’t have to much to say to her, we somewhat acted like nothing happened. And I left to go home Sunday night. Well I always text FI to let him know that I got home safe and everything. Well he tells me that as soon as I left his mom started talking to him about how she thinks our relationship is unhealthy because I was scared about him taking the job in Penn. and that she thinks we would move back to Ohio after about 2 years because I was unhappy. FI told her that he cares about my happiness and would obviously move back to Ohio if I was still misriable after 2 years of living there because he puts me above money (which he should, right?). She told him that she just doesn’t think that our relationship is healthy and now that I think about it, she didn’t give me a hug when I left last night and she always hugs me goodbye. So now I’m convinced that she hates me.
WHAT DO I DO? Am I wrong to think the things that I do? Should I just be happy for FI and get on a plane for PA?
RECAP for those of you who didn’t have time to read a novel but would still like to help 🙂
- FI may get a job in PA, 10 hours away, where he will be gone on business for 3 days/nights every week with no way to work his way out of it (he will be traveling for his entire career)
- This job pays $$$$$$$
- I’m scared that he won’t be home enough, and that I would be really lonely moving to a new place basically all by myself. I’m afraid I’ll miss my mom too much and that it will be really hard, but I’m willing to try it out.
- FMIL thinks we should just jump at the idea and because we didn’t and because I’m scared, she thinks our relationship is “unhealthy”
- FMIL also thinks that if we live together before marriage that our relationship will fail and that we will never end up getting married, or thinks I’ll get pregnant and have a bastard child if we live together and aren’t married
- She thinks that I need to give up my dreams of having a nice wedding and get married sooner so that we can live together because thats what she did and we obviously have to be just like her so that our marriage works out like hers did. rather than do anything that my mom suggests because my dad cheated on her and obviously it’s because she didn’t live her life like FI’s mom.