(Closed) Future Mother In Law problems..(not all wedding related)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow…your FMIL sounds just like mine. Except I would never ever have a conversation like this with her – it’s too late to change it now, but that is not something I would have discussed with her. She is clearly not the kind of person where you can tell her where your thoughts are coming from and she’ll try to understand – she is just going to try to shut you down and tell you that you’re wrong and need to be more like her and do everything the way she thinks you should because of course she is always right. So in the future, you and your FI need to have a plan here. Your FI did the right thing by telling her you two would need to think it over – but that should’ve been the end of the conversation. So in the future you need to not start a further conversation about these matters, and if your FMIL does try to discuss if further your FI needs to shut it down and tell his mother that you already know her opinion, and the two of you will think it over and discuss it later. And I also think he messed up by telling you his mom was saying crap about your relationship being unhealthy – you didn’t need to hear that. And I hope he stuck up for you, because him taking a job without thinking over how it would affect both of you and getting your opinion would be selfish and UNhealthy.

I can’t tell you what the right thing to do with the job is, but you two need to have a serious talk about how you’ll deal with his mother in the future.

Post # 4
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh wow, I’m sorry you had to go through that 2 hour conversation from hell with your FMIL. She sounds like a real peach. 🙂 In my opinion, you two need to figure this stuff out without anyone else’s influence. I know that’s hard, especially now after she has CLEARLY made her opinion known. But it will be good practice for you, as getting married means you are starting your own little family unit, and you need to make decisions together, based on what is best for your own family, not what’s best for FMIL.

Question – is this potential job in the company that your FFIL owns? As in, will he be your FI’s ultimate boss? Because that would be a big issue, given the control issues in that family. 

Otherwise, it sounds like a great opportunity for your FI. Yes, it would be really difficult with him being gone 3 days of the week, and being so far from your family. But maybe give it a try? If you go into it with an open mind, you might find a great new community of friends, you might find a better job, and you might find that the distance isn’t so terrible. But if you go into it convinced that you will be miserable, you will probably end up miserable. 

If you do give it a try, that doesn’t necessarily mean you two have to do it for the rest of your lives. Maybe set some agreed-upon timeline that really gives you a chance to establish yourselves. Three years? Something like that. And if it’s just not working out, then you get to make the call on where you move next. 

Oh, and also – live together first if that’s what you want to do. Have the wedding you want, on your own timeline. Your FMIL had her own wedding – this is yours. Don’t let her bully you into doing things her way. 

Stay strong! 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It sounds like you are trying to get your FMIL to agree with you, or at least understand your perspective.  It also sounds like that will never happen.  So, I suggest you stop including her in your decision-making process.  It is best to make a decision as a couple and then announce it once the decision is finalized.  Always appear as a united front.  You don’t owe her any explanations about this stuff.

Post # 6
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ElbieKay:  <– This. Nothing more to discuss. She’s entitled to her opinion. But if you keep trying to get her to see your side, its a losing fight. So leave her out of it. 

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Wonderstruck:  Agreed.

@imagine8204:  I’m wondering if part of her frustration is that you (and I’m not saying you’re not right) basically told her that the choices she made as a newlywed were wrong.  At least, that’s what she heard.  She obviously became extremely defensive extremely quickly, so I’m going to guess that this is also a sore spot for her.  

Whether your FI takes this job or not is up to you two…but you both brought her into this conversation and now you’re going to have to deal with that.  It’s clearly none of her business if you guys choose to live together.

So, I think that your FI needs to have a talk with her.  Part of the problem here is that most of this came from you, so it’s entirely possible that your FMIL thinks you’ve roped your FI into feeling this way.  It’s now on him to tell her that this is from both of you and then to stop talking about with her.

Post # 8
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

@ElbieKay:  I agree. Really she doesn’t need all of the information. You two are adults and will make the choices you want. She can feel however she wants to about it.

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Your FMIL sounds difficult. I get your, very valid concerns, about your FI taking this job. If this job is as great of an opportunity for him as you say, it would be unfair to hold him back from it, just as it would be unfair for him to just take the offer with no care about your feelings.

Post # 15
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your FMIL doesn’t realize it’s 2012, and that A) As a wife, you don’t have to be 100% subservient to your husband, and B) Many couples move in together before marriage.  I agree with PP’s that you should leave her out of these sorts of discussions from now on.  

 

 

Post # 16
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

@ElbieKay:  Took the words out of my mouth. 

Details like this don’t really need to be discussed with her. By giving that LOAD of information about your feelings and questioning and how your beliefs differ from hers and how you feel you guys know best for yourselves (and I know you do) but then sounding like you’re trying to convince her or get her approval…huge recipe for disaster. Parents have a tendancy – sometimes – to treat their children like children until they can prove they’re adults. By allowing her to be this involved in your life choices you make it sound like you aren’t prepared for the transistion which could make her think you just aren’t ready which is why she then makes your business her business. 

Not saying you need to cut her out of everything. And I’m sure tone had a lot to do with it because just based on what you wrote (without all the tone and nonverbal cues) I don’t see how she did much that was genuinely offensive or worth getting into tears over. But I do believe that you’ll need to cut down on how much you tell her in the future. Leave those conversations for your FI and yourself.

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