Post # 1
I’ve been with my SO for nearly 6 years. Things are great, we’re moving across the country soon, and soon would be a fine time to be married. No one’s in any particular rush (except maybe his mom and “society” in the abstract). But, I’m worried his mom will lead him astray in the ring department. Also, I’m worried that the timing is too close to the upcoming weddings of my twin sister and my best friend.
On the mom topic : He spent a day with his mom recently and since then has clearly had the wedding bug. Exhibit A: Remarking, wide eyed, that “we’ve been dating for a really long time,” as if he’d just realized it. Exhibit B: Pointing out we were eating lunch near where his mom suggested we get married etc… That’s great, and I’m glad he’s having these realizations. I’m also glad she’s excited. However, I’m *DEEPLY CONCERNED* that his mom, in her endeavor to see us married, will convince him to buy me an expensive, boring, traditional ring. She helped his brother pick a ring and they ended up with something I would totally hate for 10x what I would be comfortable with anyone paying. I’d rather a $400 vintage, yellow gold, american sapphire, but she likes the white gold tiffany top-of-the-line-blood-diamond solitaire.
Question: Should I tell her what kind of ring I like (or will that just invite her to further steamroll him into marrying me)? Should I tell him what kind of ring I like (or is he under enough pressure already, geezus)?
On the timing topic: My twin sister finally picked a date (March 2014) and my best friend is popping the question to his girlfriend next weekend. So : Is it ok for me to get engaged soon? Should I instead use whatever power I have to delay any of this so that I don’t steal anyone’s limelight? It feels ridiculous to worry about this, since SO and I have been together way longer than the rest of these lovebirds, but I worry that I’m going to make some kind of faux pas.
Post # 3
@veilofanonymity: I think it would be fun to be engaged at the same time as my (hypothetical) twin sister and best friend (mine got engaged a little after me and married a little before me). But, I would pick a date after their weddings if possible. Or at least a couple months before if they are planning extremely long engagements (1.5+ years).
I would tell your boyfriend, not his mom, what kind of ring you want. He shouldn’t be surprised that you thought about it given how long you two have been together. I wouldn’t put a price on it, just discuss style. (Yellow gold, vintage sapphire should point him in the right price direction anyways.) I would tell him you’re only mentioning it because you know its not the most common engagement ring and you plan on wearing it for the rest of your life. I would also mention that you don’t expect to get engaged anytime soon, but you wouldn’t complain if you did. He might decided to go by himself, and he should be the one picking the ring, not your FMIL. He might not like that kind of ring, so I would be prepared for a discussion if he is picturing the kind of ring your FMIL is.
Post # 4
@veilofanonymity: Are you comfortable picking out your own ring?
Side note: Tiffany doesn’t sell “blood” diamonds nor do many other companies. Ethically sourced diamonds are very prevalent these days. Of course high quality ethically sourced diamonds are quite expensive…. If you want vintage and/or a colored sapphire, there are issues with all mined genuine gemstones…and the metals..of course. There is always man made jewels like moissanite or cz, or even actual synthetic gemstones and recycled metal.
In any event, timing wise, think it’s ok to get engaged now.
Marriage is a partnership if you have particular thoughts about what you want and don’t want in a ring (& it sounds like you do) then I would speak with your bf..not his mom. Or better yet, go shopping with him!
Post # 5
@asscherlover: Thanks! Great advice. I’m sure he’d rush out and buy something as soon as I told him I’d be willing to wear it, so it’ll be tricky to convince him to take any discussion on the topic casually.
@gemgirl6: Sorry about the blood comment. I should have been more careful. It’s true that, since Kimberly, Tiffany has stopped allowing conflict diamonds to enter their inventory. It’s my understanding that the inventories of all the retailers, Tiffany and Cartier included, contain plenty of pre-Kimberly stones, though, so I still don’t want to take part, personally. In any case, I take your point. Thank you. I also appreciate your suggestions for other ring options, but I’ve thought a little about it and I feel like a reused setting and an american, colored stone is as ethical as it will get, for my personal priorities.
The fact is, I’m happy with no ring, and I’m not particularly interested in shopping for rings, nor is my SO. I hesitate to tell him about reasonable alternatives to what his mom will suggest because, after saying some are nice, it will be hard to convince him that I would be happy without a ring at all (again, something his mom is unlikely to believe either).